They pretty much adore me :)

Sunday, May 23

Shortest post ever.Mobile blogging sucks ass. Home computers suck ass. Laptop crashed after last post. Been busy. Miss you all dearly. Will be back.Toodles

Friday, April 23

Blogger Quote of the Week : Keenya


"When our guys act up and we still choose to deal with them, have sex with them, cater to them, and allow them access to our heart, we aren't sending the message that we love them and down for whatever... we are sending a message that we stand for nothing and will allow anything..."--Keenya [Her Blog]

If you haven't already stopped by go ahead slide on over there now! Toodles!!

Thursday, April 22

Flaw #2: Shallow Bitch

Hello, My name is Robyn and I am a shallow bitch. Yeap...shallow on too many levels. I'm the girl who looks everyone I meet from head to toe..and judge them before they even open their mouth. I'm the girl who listens to the way people pronounce their words and automatically correct every word in my head. I'm the girl who looks at someone and says " she know she/he shouldnt wear that.", or " she/he should have worn this with that." I am the girl who would never date a guy based SOLEY on his personality. I am the girl who will not go on a "date" with someone I dont find cute at the moment.[I say "at the moment" because I have looked back and thought what was I thinking?..] Point blank, I am the girl who bases too many things on apperance. And, I am working on it. I try to contol those first thoughts that come in my mind...try to judge people based on their personality instead of their looks. I have always been scared to face my insecurities and weaknesses and now that I'm trying to confront them all at the same time...I'm realizing too many things that I never knew.I'm finding myself and trying to be my definition of a better person. It's working...kinda. I don't know how to just turn off my judgement when I see people! Don't get me wrong..I am very open-minded...but when it comes to how ones apperance should be,my mind closes. And I become THAT bitch, that shallow bitch too scared to face her own insecurities, so she picks at others! I'm a work in progress...Toodles

Thursday, April 15

Phone Sex :X..blah!

So a fellow blogger,Khaki, is having a "30 Day Quest to Phone Sex" over on her blog--> [*Not All Baltimore Chicks are Stupid*]. She's attempting to perfect her lack of skills at phone sex. Swear it is hella entertaining...and if you haven’t checked her blog out...What the hell are you waiting for?

Anywho her post got me thinking on the whole phone sex thing...and how much I totally despise it! The purpose of phone sex is an alternative form of pleasure when you’re not really in that person’s presence. But for me...that shit does nothing but leave me irritated as hell. I used to participate just for the satisfaction of the guy...It used to be interesting to hear their reactions...and the shit they say to continue my "fantasy" I’m describing at the moment. I assume they all just love hearing the nasty fantasy filled words escaping my mouth. They enjoy the fake moaning, the thought that I’m actually masturbating while on the phone...I always wondered were the guys on the other side really jacking off to the sound of my voice. Well my slightly altered voice. *Softened voice, light moans building to loud if dick were really being delivered to me.*Or were they acting like me? Either way...they enjoyed it, and I'd like to think I was damn good at it. My moans alone would leave me in a state ready to...*clears throat*, ... I mean I have a way with my words that could make any freak horny....

*excerpt from the OTHER blog:*
Hello, My name is [insert alter ego name here], Ms.Extacee if you nasty. Would you like a quickie? --Excuse me, I meant would you like to fuck me senseless?...Ready?.....

[Insert the nasty beggining that I think is too raunchy for this blog]....
Let me put my pretty pussy on your face. Mmmm, yes that's right daddy [mami] , lick it like you own it. Stick that tongue in deep, flick it rapidly over my clit...and don’t forget to slightly nibble. Yes, I love that shit. Show me that you have the skills I yearn for. Make sure you grip my ass, roughly...Please. Oooooh, dig your nails into my ass....[continued with the extra raunchyness.]

& those are the cleanest line I could find on that post. Point proven?...Anywho,Back to the point!
I enjoyed phone sex the firsttime i tried it. It was a bit awkward but I wasnt the one doing all the talking, he basically just wanted to hear me moan. Interesting..but then it just got really boring for me. The constant request to have phone sex...the constant irritation I am left with & the pleasure I am left without. Why participate in something that makes me crave dick even more...just to hear the sound of someone’s voice while you’re supposedly pleasing yourself? And some have talked up some extra nasty shit [Yes, I love nasty!]...leaving me moist and ready to walk to get the dick.

I no longer participate in phone sex...If the only thing I get from it is left in an even worse horny position than I started...I just see no point. You want an alternative? How about I send a few pics...or a video? But as far as that phone sex thing, I retired a while sorry bruh, call a hotline or some other shit. What are your thoughts on phone sex? To participate or not to participate?...Ok, Toodles!

Wednesday, April 14

Blogger Quote of the Week : Tzitzi

I recently came across a blogger..that quickly made her way into my favorites. Her writting style.... fuckin amazing.

"Hearts are never made to be bulletproof, but they can chip like paint peeling from steel dungeons of heat."--Tzitzi [*HER BLOG*]

If you haven't checked her..gone head and go do that now! :) Toodles!

Monday, April 12

Hello, My name is Random, Bytch :x


Writers block is kicking my ass today. I’ve started 5 poems today and have yet to finish one. I was trying to get a late start on participating in poetry month...but clearly that shit just isn’t working out for me. I only write well when something is on my mind bothering me. Or giving me a feeling of complete bliss. And today neither is really going on. Today I am blank as a canvas ready to be painted on. Hmm, reminds me that I haven’t painted in a while. I keep telling myself that I want to paint a picture of my father holding me...but I just can't bring myself to do that...not now. I don’t want a tear drenched painting. I want it to be happy, joyful...and I have a beautiful effect to add to it...whenever I finish it. Well whenever I start it. I painted a total of 3 pictures of the ex. I think I’m going to discard them today...I no longer wish to look at them. They no longer mean anything to me. I should be happy about that but I'm really indifferent. It took an eternity to get over him...and now that I'm finally here...past eternity, what next? Someone new right? But what if I don’t feel like going to someone new either? The fact that I really don’t want anyone in my life right now scares me too. Scares me because I have to wonder have I given up on love so early? What happened to that love obsessed girl...the one who believed in fairytales? The one who dreamed of nothing more than possessing all the love in the world...what happened to her? I want her back.

My mind is drowning in the thoughts of sex. But giving up on celibacy feels like such a huge decision now that I've went so long. Seems like I'd regret it if I gave up just for some reliable mind blowing dick. *sigh*...Mind-blowing, back-breaking, pussy-aching...lovely dick. [Comes back from my building fantasy]...Where was I? Oh yea, celibacy. It's somewhat easy to not really act on impulse because I have to remember that I don’t want to be wanted for my pussy. If we break up and you contact me telling me how much you miss me...and my pussy?...I just don’t wanna hear it. Just miss inner beauty, not how my pussy feels.

Shit, I need a nice trip to Mars. Yes...that would be lovely right now. Make a phone call and have someone deliver me some good. pharmacist. But I gave that up too...I’m making so many sacrifices...they all better be worth it in the end. I'm trying to be a better person. Trying to grow...I'm making minimal progress. I recently started reading my bible every day. I was sitting in church wondering why I had never taken the time out to read the whole thing...I mean I read sooo many books for pleasure but haven’t even read half of the bible. A big part of that having to do with all the questions I am left with...all the stuff that I just can't and won’t believe...But that is for a completely different post. A bunch of random shit is running through my mind right now...taking a pit stop to discuss all of them would take forever. Besides...I think I feel like starting my painting now. Toodles.

Sunday, April 11

He say/She say bullshit...

Because I feel I need to do a post BUT I'm being so lazy tonight...I'll post another old poem! Enjoy!

HE say....SHE say.
THEY say.....
and THEY believe.

Walk into a room and imediatley THEY whisper.
I search the crowd for a familiar face, but i see none.
But still THEY whisper.
I continue to walk..
thinking maybe they dislike my looks...maybe.
And if thats the case, i like i continue to stride with pride.
When i get close enough i hear select words.
Words to let me know, it isnt my attire their attacking.
Whispers of "I heard she fucked him"...and" Girl, i know she did him.."Knowing they cant be talking about me....KNOWING,
because i dont even know them nor the names they speak.

HE say....SHE say.
THEY say.....
and THEY believe.

The whispers continue though,
this time i hear my name and a brief description of my life.
So i think who are these people..
..why is my name coming from their lips?
& what are these things that i did?
....When did i do them?
because I know i damn for sure dont remember him....or him.
I dont remember that or.....that
Oh.... it's ok, these people must have me confused
confused with some "hoe"..
So i take a seat and listen to all the other things
....& i think damn this "hoe" must be a porn star,
one of the best,got them talking bout her like that!
......I just wished they didn't confuse our names.

HE say....SHE say.
THEY say.....
and THEY believe.

The looks of disgust and dissatifation are thrown my way
...I look back and say no..i have to warn them of their mistake
"Um, not being nosey..but you must have me confused with someone else...
I dont even know those people...and I have never done those things.
But the girl yall have me confused with Im sure is pretty paid..
She know all the tricks and shit, she's a pornstar right?"
They look back and laugh...I start to laugh as well at their mistake.
Laughs continue..
Then they start to respond..
"Pornstar huh?..Thats what you call yo self?..
Just cause you do what they do..dont mean u tht good."
...confused, i look back and say "No ma'am that aint me..
I havent done those things, BUT ITS OK, its a simple mistake!"

HE say....SHE say.
THEY say.....
and THEY believe.

The laughs continue as they walk away
....So i think gosh me and tht girl must look alot alike!
I see now that its no changing their minds
....they think im her. No. They think thats me.
But how..and why?! These people dont even know me.
They heard this..and they heard that, all from their BESTfriends
so it has to be true?! or at least thats what SHE, HE...and THEY think.
But i want to prove them wrong....
Dont want those lies to be me.
So everytime i hear the whispers, i come to my defense...
"No ma'am/sir that aint me"..
same reaction everytime?!
Confusion circles my brain..
why does no one believe me?
..I mean i know me best right?
I know my actions....
I know more than they do!

HE say....SHE say.
THEY say.....
and THEY believe.

But everyone thinks they know..
So everywhere i go, the whispers go as well.
"I heard she fucked him" and "Girl, i know she did him"
...and instead of wasting my breath i smile back at them
let them talk that shit!
Because no matter what I say...
THEY alway "know" more...
"know" more about me than i do?!
..i know right??? can that be true?
but its cool just let THEM do what they do.
Because the simple-minded are starting to takeover
People that will believe whatever
...until it comes to their name.
..Until their name gets confused with someone elses
...Until their defenses dont work
....Until the whispers start to follow them.

HE say....SHE say.
THEY say.....
and yea, THEY always believe.

Thursday, April 8

Stupid Facebook Drama!


I'm sure I stated this in a previous post but I'm hardly ever really on facebook anymore. I stop by regularly to accept friend request and respond to messages...but other than that I could do without the boredom of it all. Something that really bothers me on facebook is when silly females decide to have full-blown arguments over men that are supposed to be theirs. Every time I log in this one girl in particulars status ALWAYS pops up on my newsfeed. Every time it is a different status about her "boyfriend"[notice the quotation marks...they are on a "break" or whatev.] and how she is laughing at all the girls approaching her saying they talk to/fuck/love him. How he is hers and how all the girls making these "false" claims need to back off and stop hating. It always bothers me to read it and to read some of her so called "haters" response to them. Personally I think if she is fighting with a new bitch everyday about someone that is supposed to be hers she needs to let that shit go. Especially since I know the guy she is fighting over. This guy does not claim her at all. I KNOW at least 3 other girls he is fucking and he talks so badly about his "girlfriend" because she was supposedly "going" [got around] before they got together. [Side note: Yes, he is all kinds of wrong for that because he knew the deal before he started to lead her everybody saying he dating a hoe and he wants to renege...naw nigga, you deal with yo shit.]

She always claims to be a "grown woman" but always takes time out of her day to address every other bitch in her not so perfect picture of life. Every status she makes sounds very childish...arguing over someone who doesn’t even claim her. People coming to her page just to tell her how stupid she is, but she has friends that support it. Her friends should step in and tell her even if she is tripping about the other bitches do not entertain the people of facebook with your life drama...or better yet to leave his ass. She recently went and got a tattoo on her neck that states his name big as day.[while on their "break", BUT he's still fucking her he just doesnt claim to even hang out with her anymore.] Smh, I understand people have to make their own mistakes to really learn but how can she not see the stupidity in the whole situation.

The situation leaves her looking silly and him being triflin' as hell. [Mind you, she is only 17.] I wish I were her "friend" or even a close enough associate to tell her to do better. Her past doesn’t define her and she doesn’t
deserve the treatment from her "boyfriend" and his bitches. She's such a pretty girl...but no matter how pretty you are it can never fill the void of the brain she lacks.*sigh* I just hope if I have a daughter one day I can raise her to be better, that she IS better. Toodles.

Tuesday, April 6

[-Surprise-]: Welcome, Formspring, Blogger Quote..and all that jazz


Yes, there are limits too the questions I will actually "answer" in formspring. I will always "respond" but I will not necessarily answer the question at hand. EVERYthing doesnt need to be discussed over the internet! Ok? Especially not on my personal blog.

For those who don't follow me on twitter I recently had a mini confessional tweet session. & during the tweet session i admitted having a sex blog. A sex blog that I shut down yesterday. Some of my followers from there have decided to click the link I left there and follow me here...[*whispers: Hello playmates*]. I had 4 blogs to keep every aspect of my life seperate. One is a diary..only I can access. One is a confessional blog..and the other beside this one was the sex blog.I started it to discuss all things sexual without judgement from those who read my blog from my hometown. Without everyone knowing my that extent. But since I'm "celibate" I decided to let that one go. It was fun while it lasted.

I started that blog after this one, only had 28 post on that blog, and got up to 307 followers. The anonymous twitter account I had to link up with the sex blog got up to 904 followers in the short time I had it. Crazy right? Sex sells. Sells people to quickly push the follow button. Intrest people more than everyday life and life situations. I felt that blog was too easy. Too easy for people to be interested. Too easy...for people to really care about the substance in my writting...therefore I lost interest.The followers of this blog follow because they want to read what I have to say on a daily..without it being "raunchy", they have a sincere interest in my words. & i love you all for that. I will occasionally mix the two blogs..but to the "playmates", this blog will never be that blog...EVER!

I'm going to start doing a " Blogger Quote of the Week" type thing. When I read other blogs some words just really stand out to me..and lately its been two of which I recently discovered! :) Anywho..I'm going to collect a few quotes throughout every week from different blogs..and feature just that quote on my blog! :) For starters:

"To the emerald eyes of a mystery, when will you tell me what you want from me? if we played Scrabble would you at least spell it out for me?"--- Gwen [*Her Blog*] Check her out.

I love ALL of my followers. Thanks for even taking the time to look at the contents of my blog!... Toodles!

Monday, April 5

10 to 1

Remember, the 10 to 1 is basically writing down the 10 things I wish I could say to 10 different people but...cant, won't or just haven't. And I don't say who they are :)

1. To the young man with the game of a thousand players, the one who murdered my heart, you may keep it's remains. I no longer have the will to love someone with all of my "heart", but with all of my soul. If you get a bad [broken] heart, the doctors can fix or replace it...but a soul they can not. When you miss me...try to place the pieces back together and remember what you had. But when i miss you...I'll remember that you have the remains, that now I am heartless.
2. To the chaser who tried with all of his being to steal my heart that had already been stolen, I'm sorry. Sorry that I led you on..Sorry that I hurt you, constantly. Sorry that I played with your emotions for my own satisfaction I loved you at one point...." I tried to love you, tried to love you but I can't. I was wrong about you, wrong about i need to love you need to love you..but I can't."
3. To the laughing spirit who looks over me...I miss you. I speak with you everyday, but still i miss you. I need you to hug me, i need you to kiss me, i need you to reassure me on a daily that things will be okay. Come take my tears away.
4. To the woman with the metal exterior. I love you...i need you, please never leave me. The days that i want to walk away from you I remember you made me who I am.. & if you werent available...I dont know if I'd be able to cope!
5.To the pair with enough "crazy" between you two to fill a pyschiatric hospital, Even though I hardly say it...i love you. You both have gotten me threw some of my roughest times. Even when you didnt know my pain existed , you helped more than you'll ever know. Ever. They dont get any better than you! :)
6.To the bitch...the bitch turned hoe. How I have so much disgust building up for you. So many things I'd love to say to you but I am trying to keep the peace. Stop being so fake..and tell me how you really that we no longer have to communicate.
7. To the man of many wise words, you taught me to follow my dreams; taught me never to let anyone stop me from doing what i want. You have always supported me in every situation, take care of yourself.You were a father to me when mine went missing, I love you.  & i dont want to have to say goodbye anytime soon. My heart couldnt take it!
8. To the girl who over-analyzes everything, full of beautiful dreams, and the only person i can truly be myself with...Thank you for helping me grow up. Finally.
9. To the eyes peering in my soul, reading my deepest desires, fears, and aspirations...I need you.
10.To...the other form of giver...I desserted you for a while...and now I am back. I've asked for forgiveness and i promise i will do everything in my power to rebuild that old relationship. Everything...just guide me and be with me. Please?
the mind of the dreamer with the corrupt heart, dying to be pryed open.

Saturday, April 3

I'm just so tired.

Me & her relationship....remains rocky.
& somethings I try soo hard to hold in but I am unable!

All to familiar yelling.
A few punches to the face.
Tears stream from my eyes.
Shock on your face.
You want to know why tears are rollng down my face?
You want to know why I'm crying this time...
What makes this time different from all the others?
Psychically...I feel nothing. Repeatedly
But mentally?...I'm breaking down.

Does it make you feel better when you hit me?
Does it set all of your anger free?
What pushes you to think...that I am a punching bag?
What drives you to feel relief after you bruise me?
How much damage have I done to deserve this?
....& when will it end?

Because frankly...I'm tired.

Bruised face...swollen eyes,
But I tell myself that it will be okay.
It usually is.
Where else would the anger go if not to me?
Who would have to recieve it if not me?

But this time, I am tired.

Tired of the threats,
....the mood swings
....the bruises
Tired that you never apologize.
You think it's okay.
You think because you are my shelter...
that you've purchased this punching bag.

But today, I'm just so tired Mama.
Too Tired.

Random: Love?

I always discuss how I hate the way guys come to me; trying to converse with me. How it’s unacceptable...and unwanted! The same "type" of guys...the same tired lines. So now I unknowingly walk around looking extra "stuck-up" so that they won’t even attempt to hold a conversation. I've become unapproachable. & for the time being it is fine. But what about when I DO have time for dealing with a relationship and every up and down that comes with it? What about when I think that I have gotten myself be with a man... Will I be able to show them at first glance that I really am a cool down to earth young woman? Will I be able to ever open up to him if he does come in my life....or will I hold on to past failed relations and assume that the next one won’t go any I usually do? Will I sabotage myself...will I be willing to be there for him, and not just have him there for me? Will I be able to show him love? Will I be too scared? Too scared to be hurt again? Will he be scared that I will hurt him? Will he be willing to be with me...fuckups and all? Will I be with him through the same? Will this one last?...

What about when I think I am ready....Will I be truly ready?

"I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing "

-- India.Arie


Thursday, April 1

I'm too MY blog?


Today I recieved an e-mail from some random e-mail address. Telling me how enjoyable my blog was but asking why I cursed so much..why I felt the need to be vulgar to get my point across.

When  I first started my blog I censored myself so much because I thought only about my audience. ALL of my audience. I thought about how some people may be offended if I cursed too much..or if I mentioned the gritty details on sex..! So, I toned it all down. Then I got tired of censoring myself.I started this blog so that I would have somewhere to vent, somewhere to discuss what runs thru my mind on a daily--- non sugar-coated. Meaning, No fake bullshit. For my older audience I apologize for my vulgarness. I do respect my elders...I don't like older people looking at me thinking I'm just your average disrectful young woman. Mother taught me better. I was at an associates house today and I saw how he cursed sooo much in front of his parents and his grandparents. Something I just couldn't wrap my mind around. As soon as I'm in someone's presence who has 10 years or more on me I turn my vulgar-ness off...not to be fake, but out of respect. However in my blog??....I will not do that. My cursing isnt intentionally to bother anyone...these are my thoughts in rare form. No editing. I just felt I needed to address that to those who might judge me because " I curse too much". Understand, I respect EVERYone who takes the time to read my thoughts..but here, in my blog...I will not change anything. It is like asking me to change the contents in my diary...Why would I?

Dear Worrisome Fuck-ups:

I've been reading all of these websites trying to figure out how to work HTML. I want to make my own layout, not just manipulate the one I have to deal with! *sigh*....I think this is one fight I'm just probably going to have to lose...because I can't for the life of me understand it! Smh! .[Sidenote to a fellow blogger: Ro, i cant leave my thoughts and comments on your blog because of your settings :( !]

Anywho,I dont understand why some people cant catch a hint. I dont understand why some people still try. UghhClearly i dont wish to try to develop a relationship at the moment...I still have shit that I need to get together before being a pain to someone else. I dont know how many times I have to express that before they leave me alone..So,

Dear Worrisome Fuck-ups:
If you text me and 90% of the time I dont respond...more than likely I'd like you to lose contact. If the 10% of the time when I do respond and I am a TOTAL bitch to you...more than likely I'd like you to catch the hint to politely fuck off. If more than half of my responses read " Im not responding to that." Please catch the fucking hint.If I abruptly end our conversation everytime you feel like discussing your feelings or trying to hang...wake the hell up! Clearly, I could give a rats ass about your feelings and I'm one step from texting, "Not to be a bitch, but please reframe from texting me ever again"...but that would be the definition of a bitch right? Put your feelings aside...and move on to someone who cares..Please?

<3- Robyn

I hate that some people can't catch the hint no matter how much you ignore them.
Someone sent me a text saying that he was "done trying to cater to my ego."....I thought it was the funniest thing ever! I'm sure he wasnt joking...but If I cared all that much I wouldnt have acted in such a way where he ever felt like he needed to "cater to my ego." With people I care for I'm completly different. Caring...Nice even! For the rest...Um, catch the hint! Ok, Toodles!

Wednesday, March 31


SO I was tagged by the lovely penandpaper [Gwen] over at Permanent Issues ![Her blog is the<---lol. Check her out!]

Here goes....

Hair -Transistioning...1/2 Natural 1/2 Permed...Terrible to deal with.

Your Mother- Protector, Provider, Comforter...My everything.
Your Father- Gone physically...but finally here w/ me everyday! :)
Fav Food- BREAD [Type:]Chinese....Yummy! I could eat it everyday!
Dream last night -Talking to daddy about my life...that he missed.
Fav drink- Coke...but I mostly drink water.
What room are you in - Bedroom?
Hobby - Writting! Reading! Blogging...& Painting! :)
Fear - I always say Rejection but I couldnt imagine losing my mom & sisters. i wouldnt be able to cope!
Where were you last night - Bed, confused as hell trying to figure out HTML!
Something that you aren't - Fake. Simple-minded.
Muffins - Chocolate Chip!
Wish list item - *Every woman too truly know her worth*
Where you grow up - Greatgranny's house on Rock street...Had our own home but was hardly there.
What you are wearing - Blue sweats, Red work shirt from when I used to wrk at Target.
Your Pet -We got rid of them all. All 3 dogs..and my Turtle, Thomas Anthony Alexander! I miss Him:(
Friends - Um, I'm sure Ive answered this somewhere on my blog.
Something your not wearing - Socks...I never wear them.
Fav Store - Walmart for everything. Forever 21 for Clothes.
Fav Color - BLACK! :)
Last time you laughed -A few minutes ago..watching Living Single! " In a 90's kind of world, Im glad I got my girls."
Your Best Friend[s] - Karimah Marie & Ally Maree! :)
Best Place you go over and over - My dreams...escape from reality.
Person who email you regularly -Blogger..tracking all my post comments.
Fav place to eat - Cheesecake Factory when im out of town! WANT one in LR!

& Im supposed to tag people...But um, I'm too lazy to put the links and stuff up! So...if you'd like to do it..Go for it! :) Toodles!

Tuesday, March 30

Let me speak hood to you..


Hello Lovelies. Today was absolutely wonderful. I mean I am still suffering through my withdrawals...but today was just beautiful. I’m in a REALLY good mood...but for some reason I still feel like ranting about something. If you don’t like to read my shit talking...move the fuck on...Ok? Anywho, My cousin and I were having a conversation. He told me that I had changed...turned into a "white girl" since we moved out of his "hood". Of course I’m like what the hell? Skin check...Still looks brown to me. He said that the way I talk makes me white. He said “You’re from the where the fuck you get that shit from? I talk like this cause I’m from the same place as you...and this how we talk." Um, excuse me? So because I grew up in the hood I'm supposed to have a certain vocabulary? I hate when people use "growing up in the hood" as an excuse for their choice of dialect. Ridiculous if you ask me. I don’t think that because you grew up in a certain area that you should dumb down your whole demeanor to fit in with them,Make up dumb ass words and say it in a dumb ass slurred tone...Nope. That is not a sufficient argument. Talking as if you’re illiterate is not an option for me and should not be to those in the hood. When has that every been a good excuse for anything?

..And then I’m fake because I grew up in the hood and talk like I have some damn sense? I mean what the fuck am I supposed to sound like? Like I have very little education? Like all I have going for me is street smarts? No thanks I don’t want to be one of the ratchets. One of the bitches you listen to and try to decipher what the fuck she is talking about. Nope...that shit is for birds! It doesn’t take much to add subjects and verbs in fucking sentences. It doesn’t take much to pronounce a word correctly. And it never hurts to expand your vocabulary. White girl my ass...I speak like I’m educated. Yes, I have something to prove...I don’t like people looking at me and thinking I'm just another dumb ghetto bitch when I open my mouth to speak. Ughh, this type of conversatin always bothers me. Because at the end the other person always argues that I think Im better than the hood..from which I was made. & I know better..I just would like others to do better! Feel me? lol...Toodles!


Monday, March 29

Withdrawals are a BITCH!

When I started this whole "celibacy" thing I really didnt think I'd last this long. I mean..I KNOW me..and umm....I just thought I would have given in by now. AND surprisingly...I havent. I should be writting this post in a month and a few days..bc It will mark my 1 year mark, but um...right now I'm having withdrawals. Sex has always taken up a big portion of my thoughts! For the pure pleasure of my partner... And that Im without it..Its worse than ever. & to make things worse my thoughts only revolve around one dick.

Setting up the scene mentally:
[Might wanna skip over this part.idk..all I know is it's my blog and I say whatever the hell I please :)!]

*Dial his number and get straight to the point*----
" I know I dont even contact you anymore...but lately I've been missing you. Well missing HIM. SHE needs HIM in her....delivering like HE usually does. I need to taste HIM...Ive just missed HIM so much! ...Need your tongue to lap HER up....Damn, its an understatement to say I crave it. Honey..Did I ever tell you you were the best? So...Get out of your plans with your girl and come fulfill my fantasies like only you can. One night honey, no one has to know but you and I....and my camera. Ohhhhh, Did I mention I wanna make a video?....Video so that the last time will ALWAYS be the most memorable....Video so that I can have a visual to go along with my usual thoughts of you...and NO you cant have a copy, we've already discussed that ;). When we get in the room...Call your girl and make up a lie to let her know you'll be TIED UP for the rest of the night. Clothes off...Lights dim.Tell her Goodnight and that you love her while I nibble at your ear. You already told me you miss it...Let me be the best you'll ever have.Then go home to your wife. No more more communication, Just come give me MY dick, then take your ass home well over satisfied. Muah! "
[Of coarse his response would be a non hesitant OK..Im on the way!]
[Like I said earlier skinny doesnt equal sexy...& its my blog so I do what I want! lol :)] about fuckin frustrated.! But I respect relationships a little too much for that, so it will remain a fantasy. No homewrecking bitch here. But these withdrawals are terrible. Starting to get to me. But I know my reasons outweigh my urges..and I will continue to tell myself that to get through this with out having to make a phone call...ok Toodles!

Friday, March 26

Update: Funeral and My Shawty

Okay, so I'll be back to my regular posting now.Thanks for all the comments under my last post. The actual funeral? Complete hell on me. I mean I've only cried at one funeral in my life and even then it was controlable. This time?...Nonstop and they actually had to drag me out of the funeral view...crazy right? I leaned in to kiss him and he was just so....hard and cold. That seriously fucked my mind up. Ughh, anywho no more details of that day. I got reaquainted with that side of my family...oh how I love those fools! life is pretty much at a stand-still right now.

This little purple monkey here is my love, Shawty[He named him that jokingly bc he used to say that word too much]. My ex won him for me at the fair during our relationship. It meant sooo much to me. No one has ever "won" anything for I thought it was really sweet. I had him for a little over a year....then I had to get rid of him.

He meant TOO much to me. Everytime I looked at him that memory would come back...and many others. && that I can not deal with . Stuffed animals never mean much to me..but this one did..and he had to go. What do you do with past loves items that they have given you? Do you throw them away or keep them tucked away out of sight. I have too many other things...odd things to remind me of him. But none with the same effect as Shawty. So to my little Shawty, Im sorry sweetheart but you were a thing of the point in hanging on to you anymore. Toodles.

Friday, March 12

TTYL Daddy:

Yo. my last post totally fucked itself up!, I havent really been up on my blog. Going through too much..and now I've lost my father. I'm posting my facebook letter on here...just to subsitute for not posting. Sorry you all. I will be back to my normal posting here soon!


I always wondered how I would feel when this day came…but I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this so soon. I thought I had time…time to rebuild a relationship. When I got the news, everything around me froze. Total silence…As feeling started to rush back into my body, I sat there trying to keep my face dry; trying to appear strong. The tears yelled “Fuck you”, and came down anyway. It was all so surreal. Not now Daddy. Not Now! I never got to say goodbye.

After hearing what took place; what led to your murder… I thought “This all could have been avoided.” But of course Mr. Hot-head can’t keep his words or his hands to himself. I can’t blame the others involved…nor God. I only can blame you Daddy; YOU because you had many opportunities to turn your life around…to get it together. Too many near death situations and still…you didn’t wake up. Same shit new day right Daddy? Well not today Daddy. Today you’re gone…Gone and how do I feel?

Out of my 19 years on this earth, 10 you spent steadily in my life. 10 years of constant memories and then you disappear. Come back in my life momentarily only to disappear again. It’s not enough to know when I graduate, my birthday, and what I was like as a child. It’s not enough, Daddy. You wondered why I never really talked to you as I got older. Well…I couldn’t deal with having a daddy that loves me when it’s convenient for him. Loves me enough to stay in life for a month or two and disappear for a year. Each time getting my hopes up high thinking maybe you would stay for the long run. Daddy…I just couldn’t deal with you being less than part-time.

All I have to go by is the man I knew when I was a child…the man I adored. How hard you fought to stay in my life when my mother was so insistent on having you out. How much you went out of your way slipping money under the door, leaving toys on the porch. Coming by on Sundays and taking us to the park, out to get pizza, and all the junk food a child could ask for. Always smiling and joking..playing and laughing. Loving…like a father should be. I missed that…and sometimes wished I could have pressed rewind. Pressed rewind to when giving up was not in your vocabulary when it came to being there for me and Ilysha. When did it become easier to walk away Daddy?

Tears flood from my eyes because I never got to show you that under all the bitterness I loved you…more than you could ever imagine. I didn’t want you to leave without knowing that I cared Daddy. I wanted to be at the hospital to keep you company in your last hours. I needed to hear you tell me not to worry…that everything was going to be fine. But I didn’t. You left me. How am I supposed to feel? What about me Daddy...What about me?

All I know is wherever you are it has to be better than here for you. It has to be less stressful, less hard on you. You have to be happier. And now….I can finally reach you whenever I need you. God needed you. I needed you. Now, I finally have you…In my life where you belong. No more running away. No more fear. No more worrying about you. I love you Daddy! Until next time…[Muah]!


Friday, February 19

Tat that pussy up...wth?

Ok, now off that depressing shit. Thanks to all my lovely followers. Ive been going through my shit...and now Im feeling a tad bit better. My "Flaw" post will be a continuous thing and yes anyone who wants to use the idea can! :) I'm glad I can inspire and uplift some of you with my random post! Your feedback means sooo much too me. I'm trying to get caught back up on things in the Blog World. Sorry for my absence. Anywho...I came to talk about one specific thing that just urks the hell out of me.

My sister was telling me about how one of her friends [a senior in high school] went and got a tattoo on her bikini line that read "{enter her boyfriends name here}"! They are not married..nor engaged. Havent even been dating for a full year and she went and got his name tatted. Did he get her name on him somewhere?...HELL NAW! I fuckin' hate when people do dumb shit like that. Too many times I've seen this and I just think its the silliest decision a young girl can make. I understand that it is always a way to get it removed but why do tht to your body? WHY do people go out and do this? To prove to their mates how much they love them? To show that they are the only ones in that pussy? Why go that far for someone who isnt willing do the same? And when he leaves..when something goes wrong your stuck with his name damn near on your pussy. Smh, complete sillilness. The only way I can see it being ok to get his name tatted is if he puts a ring on it...and you have a marriage license in hand! Then and only then is that ok! There are not enough words I can say to truley show how disgusted I am with this whole concept. Smh at these silly hoes! [If you are one of them...please explain why you got it?]....Smh! Toodles!

Just one of those days...


I've been writting full blogs for the past week and just cant make myself push the publish button. One reason and one reason only; they have all been about the same thing, the same person. Valentines Day someone contacted me.[Mind you Valentines Day marked our exact one year mark since our last date, since our last...everything.]
 During the conversation he threw in " I miss you". An " I miss you" that I just didnt need to hear. I wrote so many letters, wrote all my existing feelings..wrote out all my fantasies that came about from our chatting. I have let it seriously fuck with my mind for the last week. I rather not go into complete detail over the short conversation because I want his words to be kept to myself. I love him....I truley love him from the bottom of my heart but I can not have him. CAN NOT and no matter what i say or do their is nothing I can do to change that. It's best that I keep my sanity and not contact him. But I miss him...I miss everything about him. But I'm sure life will work itself out for the best. Being left alone with my thoughts helped me to realize that maybe....we arent the best fit. Maybe we arent the best couple. He was not meant to marry me...He was not THE one. BUT, I will never truley be over him until I find someone who takes my thoughts about him away. Until he is just a far memory that comes up every once and a while...not everyday. [*sigh*] Why do I still care about him? Why can't our memories just dissapear?! [No reason to respond..]

Sunday, February 7

Super quick update:

Yes, yes I know Im slacking. Completley. Ive actually been pretty busy with life and discissions. More than likely I'll be doing a lot of mobile blogging this week. Random thoughts and serious thoughts. Some of my blog post just never make it to my blog...smh, something is wrong with the communication between my phone and the internet. Anywho....Saints won. Of coarse I was going for them...anyone who, how do you feel? lol....I love that this is their first time at the Superbowl..and they won.! Yah! One of my fav commercials was the Palamalu Commercial when they pulled him out of the stump like a groundhog...ughh I have a serious cruxh on that man. Mmmm, MMmm, MMmm. Not to mention Reggie Bush was some beautiful eye candy to keep me going through the game. Uhuh!
I'm up to 101 followers! Aghhhh![definitely an understatement.]! I'm sooo happy to be at 100. I appreciate that people actually like to hear what I have to say!
Anyone going Natural, I could use hair style ideas for short hair. I havent cut all my permed ends yetbut um, I cut some of them..and this hair is getting to hard to manage. Smh. But I'm liking it right now!
Ok, Clearly Im kind of rushing right now[Sorry]...I have to leave to go back to school now. SMh, how I  HATE that school with a passion. Yeap..Ok, I will be checking in soon. Toodles!

Fw:Flaw #1

I'm not a big fan of people picking at themselves... but everyone knows their flaws.

I have the tendency to shut people out. ALL people. No matter how close I'm supposed to be with someone ,I wont say too much of anything. My best friends for example: I hardly go to them when I have a problem. They come to me and ask whats wrong....even then I hardly share. & It's not that I dont feel comfortable with them, most times I just rather stress alone. & Most times people can't and won't say the right things to make it better or make it go away. It eventually becomes a huge downfall and ultimately the demise of my serious relationships. Im kind of backwards though. When I'm just "in-like" with someone I wont hold my tongue on anything. Meaning everytime they say something I have my input and a story to relate..but as soon [and i do mean AS SOON] as I start to like them a tad bit more I completly shut down. I dont share life stories and experiences and I hardly share my opinion on too much of anything. When asked important questions relating to emotion I can not answer them outloud...but I could write them in a heartbeat. I could put most of my feelings in a long ass txt or letter and send it. [which i hardly do]...but my effort of writting to open up goes unnoticed. If i cant verballly open up to them...things seem to go wrong. Which i understand, you cant really have a txt relatinship. but...i dont know hw to fix it; i dont know how to open up without writting. I tried again and again...but nothing works. I dont like people completly inside of my head. I really hope to overcome this because I'm sure it will continue to be nothing but an extreme problem. Any tips? Ok....Toodles!

Wednesday, January 27

...Flawed Barbie --->

So...I was going through some old poems I wrote when i used to write frequently. Smh, I need to get back on it. I forgot I had wrote this one.....ENJOY!

[Excuse the way it is typed..I was going through a little phase when I thought I'd type all my shit like that..smh!] EDIT: I came back and fixed the way it was typed, it was realllyyyyy bothering me to see it! Ughh!


The way I live is like a false reality...
Like a toyland ====> & Im the BARBiiE
My world seems as if Im trapped in plastic
................................I can not breathe
I only move at the control of their hands
Im made up to perfection but no true happiness
I sit with that permanent smile on my face
========> unable to show emotion
because I'm trapped.................
trapped in this colorful box with a film of plastic.
My body is in a weird pose...but still I'm smiling.
My hands are pressed against the film...
begging someone to save me from this box purchase me and save me from display.
&& SOMEONE does..........
SOMEONE likes my look & the possibilities they see in me
SOMEONE purchases me & takes me home
rips me from my safe enviornment
careful to save the wrapping just incase
...just incase Im not exactly what they want
Im immediatley thrown into my new life...
my new surroundings--to see how I work.
They move me around making up things they think I would say...
...............................things I would never say.

Smiling trapped in plastic--yea thats how I feel

They control my movement...what I wear...everything but my mind.
So quickly they realize Im boring--Just another toy
.....just another toy that can be tossed to the side
They put me back in the box--
positioning me in an even wierder position, my hair a little tossled
& they return me to where I came from.
...Return me because once again I am unwanted.
Once again i am just on display
Waiting on my next potential owner to use me and toss me back into this box.
............toss me back like trash

My life is on display.........
My heart lies cold and plastic
...Just another unperfected BARBiiE!

-December 1, 2008

Tuesday, January 26

Dear Mother:

We interrupt your normal program to bring you:
So I've been going through a few things...and my mother has been helping me cope. If you know me and my mothers past relationship it would be a shock. Our relationship only got better when i went away to college. Even then it was good every once and a while. Well today I woke up to a text message from her :

[Good morning baby. I know you’re having a hard time 2. I’m here 4 u. We will get thru this. Hope you have a better day. I love you. From now on I will be uplifting and more understanding. I get so raveled up in my own problems that I act like yall don’t have problems, worries, or pain and I’m SO SORRY FOR THAT! From this day forward I am going to be more understanding of yall concerns. I can’t take back the years I lacked but you make sure it doesn’t happen again. I promise. I love you more than words can say. We will get through this, just don’t worry yourself.]

--------mind you we have never been the family to speak openely on mushy gushy feelings. No hugging, no kissing, we dont even say i love you regularly...because we know its there and doesnt need to be said.
She really has made my day! So to her....

Dear Mother:

Let me start by saying...I LOVE YOU! I know we have had our down times. Times when you’re yelling feels like its suffocating me. Times when you didn’t want me near you. Times…times when things were just horrible. But know that through every and anything I love you more than I could ever show.I depend so much on you some might think it’s ridiculous. You’ve spoiled me to be this way and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even when you disapprove of everything I do, I love you. If anything ever happened to you I don’t know where I’d be. I don’t know if I could stay here...on this earth. Now I am going through what seems like the hardest time of my life so far and you are right here by my you always are when things outside of our relationship get tough. You are the only person keeping me sane right now and if you only knew how much that truly meant to me. When I can’t see the sun shining you grab my hand and lead me there. You have been understanding through this whole process and please continue to bear with me. I could never ask nor need a better mother than you. Granted we have our issues; we might not agree 98% of the time…but we cannot be perfect. Thanks for every sacrifice you have ever made for me. It took a little maturing to see how much you’ve worked for me and my sisters. Being a single mother is never easy...and believe I appreciate it. You are my hero; my idol. I want to be able to provide and do for my child when that day comes as you have always done for me and my sisters. You would give your last for me and know that I would do the same. I am and will always be available for you whenever you need me. KNOW that! I love you!
With sooo much love,
Robyn back to your normal scheduled program! Toodles! :)

Whats the difference?

So I was browsing through Single Black Male and one of his readers left an interesting question under one of his post. The post was saying all types of things that I just didnt agree with. i.e : "If you’re standing in a party and your female friends leans notices you looking at a girl and she says, “That girl is a ho.” If she’s pointing to you, you’re a ho." Or...she could be just one hating ass female that doesnt even know you?...Had that shit happen to me before...def was ready to hurt this ignorant chick that knew nothing about me....ANYWHO that is def not what i came to write about. The website above is actually a really good website and I encourage you all to go check it out.! So the question one of his readers left was as follows:
What’s the difference between being “sexually liberated” and being a hoe?

Hmmm, I really just want to hear my readers opinions on this question. I've always wondered this. When asked what was my definition of a hoe...I used to respond " Someone who sleeps with any and every one and never has any standards."...That was my old response. Now? Now it has changed a little completly due to the fact that i dont have a definition for the word anymore. I have always been open minded to what people do behind closed doors...I have always thought if you like it then do it, no one should look down on or talk about what another does sexually if it has nothing to do with them. I hardly use the word in a serious manner..If and when i have used it Its expressing serious dislike for a girl who fucks with peoples boyfriends/husbands/ and anyone else that will tell her she is remotely attractive..basically the ones sleeping around bc they have self esteem issues. BUT I mean how would i really know if ole girl/guy had "no standards" as listed in my definition. Even if he/she had slept with 150 people [random ass number and I know a few guys who claim this is their goal...and shit they close enuff. smh]there is always at least one dick/pussy they have turned down or walked away from. So who am I to really sit around and judge them? I still believe people should have all the sexual freedom they want...but I admit sometimes hearing that people are fucking 3 different dudes a week [from their nt the one to believe he say/ she say] bothers the hell out of me. I just dont think thats anything to brag on...but if they like it and are happy with themselves that really gives me no place to go around judging them. I dont know the difference between a hoe and someone sexually liberated! I guess Hoe is just the trashy version of someone sexually liberated...but how can they be the trashy version if their doing the same thing?  If they like having every hole filled and 7 dudes in line watching and waiting for their turn..thats them. It has nothing to do with me unless one of those niggas was my man. Nope..nothing at all to do with me.! If people want to get down like that and thats truley what turns them on..more power to them. So your opinion, "What’s the difference between being “sexually liberated” and being a hoe?"!

Doug E Fresh...

Okay...usually I dont even post videos..But I was going through a whole bunch of old rapper videos on YouTube..and stumbled across an old interview with Doug.E.Fresh. I love him! I had never seen this one though..and apparently its a documentary of old school hiphop..I want it! Anywho...Im pretty much in love with his beatboxing section on this.[especially the breathing part..oooooh!] Anywho..I think its amazing how people can do this with their mouth. i love old school rap...thats the only rap I would listen to until last year..then I start listening to this stuff called rap today. Anywho...enjoy his beatboxing! :)

and just because i thought this shit was HILARIOUS! Who the hell decided to put Biz Markie on Yo Gabba Gabba [a childs show]..? He is a wonderful beatboxer from back in the day..but he would scare the hell out of me if i were a child watching this. Lol..Im dying over attention to his poses at 0.05! Hahahaah!Sorry Biz.


Monday, January 25

Continuing the "fuckage" after the breakup...


Yesterday I was talking to a close friend when she said something that just made me want to blog. We were talking about 2 couples that broke up recently. She stated how she thought it was just a plot so they would be single for Valentines' Day and that they'd hook right back up with them after that. I said something about being pretty sure that their still fucking anyway. She then said " Well duh, there's still sex! Its 2010!"..."Wth? What does that have to do with anything?"..."Everybody's doin it these days...Continuing the fuckage after the relationship"! [Sidenote: Fuckage? Yea..I def have no clue why she used that word..or made up that word either!] What kind of statement is that to be made?....A damn true one. Why once people fall out of love, make mistakes, or what the hell ever it is that breaks them up...they continue " the fuckage" after the relationship? Is it not just silly?
I know a couple who had been together a few years and broke up, claiming it was for good. A guy [an ex] stated his opinion on it. " You know she still fucking him right? Thats just so stupid. How stupid can you get. He broke up with her and she still giving him pussy?..The one thing that a lack of could possibly get them back together..She just dumb." Mind you that me and him basically had the same shit going on....but he claims our shit is different...smh. Hearing him say that was an eye opener...!I always think its a silly idea to be without the relationship title but getting all the relationship benefits. Even when I was in that same position. Its silly to continue to go out, fuck, chill, talk on the phone the same but not have a title? When situations go down like that my mind says he just wants to be a hoe. Ya'll are dating...unofficially so that he can fuck whoever without you really being able to bitch over it. But why has it become so fuckin common. Mostly every couple [i know] who has had a failed relationship have continued fucking after...unless the breakup was drastic. [& i know a few that still fuck even then]...Why?? I really would love to hear the answer to this! Does it lose a guys respect if your still fucking him afterwards..? I know girls who have said its because they would settle for having a little of him instead of losing all of him. Why though? Explain the whole continuing "the fuckage" after the relationship to me. Ive been there, done that..but still I need to get a grasp on it all!

Sunday, January 24

More Awards :)!

Hello YO!

I'm pretty much caught up on everyones blogs now. Some of you really do make my days better. Others force me to think about shit that i dont necessarily want to think about..but need to. While catching up I realized I dont even care for some of the blogs i follow i need to get on to removing them ASAP. Somethings i just cant relate to..nor do I want to. Anywho because I said I'd do this award goes[I'm going to shortcut rules: Yall know the deal]!
During my catching up I've collected 5 awards! *Gasp*! :o!

I feel so loved! Ok...I received the Happy Blog award 4 times. From Keenya over at Golden Mind, *Cook over at Musik & Soul *,Mz.AuNatural-Beauty over at Truth on the Rocks, and Von digne over at My Mind StateI love all of their blogs. Hilarious,talented bloggers...they wont dissapoint. Gone Head over and check them out! NOW! :)Anywho, 4 times Meaning that I would have to do the rules for this x's 4...40 things that make me happy and 40 bloggers who brighten my day. Smh...bullshit, yall know i hardly follow the original rules. I'll do 20 facts & 20 bloggers. Yeap..sounds fair to me!

Shit that makes me all giggly inside:
  •  Family...[well some of them, the rest? smh..]
  • Friends...[sometimes those tricks can be a bit much though...but I love them all the same]
  • Writting...[gotta get my feelings out somehow..right?]
  • Art...[lovvvve painting]
  • Sex...[def has to be at the top of the list somewhere.]
  • Porn...[what? wasnt expecting that? I watch tht shit like TV! It soothes me!]
  • My fingers...[think about the two above...self-explanatory]
  • Shopping...[although I havent shopped for myself in months..aghh Im so deprived]
  • Poetry...[love seeing people perform spoken word...!]
  • Pretty Woman, Nip/Tuck, Bad Girls Club, Set it Off..and all of my other fav shows & movies.
  • Taking pics of myself...[clearly...]
  • Dudes catching the hint to fuck off...[Seriously!]
  • Blogging...[love yalls blogs! :)]
  • Music...[usually all my oldies! ]
  • Love...[pretty much obsessed/infatuated with the whole concept of it]
  • Sucess...[achieving goals I've set for myself]
  • Strippers...[as of yesterday...Mmmm yall that man def gave me new ideas! ;)]
  • Other happy truly happy people...[a real smile realy can make me feel better]
  • Intellectuals...[People that just dont have simple ass conversations]
  •, Me?[I ran out of shit!]
ok..Im being lazy on my editing too....smh!
20 Bloggers Who make me happy reading their shit:
 In no way is this in order! [Not that most of the blogs that i follow dont make me happy..Im just lazy and refuse to go through ALL of them!]Anywho...the next award was given to me by Vincia over at Mocha.Sister. Wonderful blog... gone head and go check her out if you havent already.

 I only have to tell awards I love under this...and really the blogs I LOVE on an EVERY post basis are listed in those above. Figure it out...and since I wont point them all out...those listed above also get this one![Yeap..Im just being lazy...who cares? :)]

Oh...and guess what else? Yall dont have to follow those icky rules. Nope..just accept it and be happy...I mean unless you really would like to do all of that...then be my guest. Anywho I really appreciate all of my faithful followers and stalkers! It feels wonderful to be appreciated.! [Get so much pussy I can probably guess yo panty size??lol..remix on Vincia's page..hilarious line. i know someone who can do that :)!] Ok...Toodles for now!