Today I am changing my writing style for this blog. Since I am in a place where it feels like I can't speak to anyone in my life comfortably, this blog will be my new therapist...until my insurance kicks in and I can get the help I really need.So.....
Good afternoon Therapist,
Today is hard. Every time I feel overwhelmed, I realize that I don't fully trust confiding in anyone. Seriously, not one single person. Today it's back to this business shit. I don't know if I've told you...I have been building a cleaning business. For my boyfriend.
Everything that has gotten done to make the business legit, I've done. Everything that needs to be done, I will be doing...including the actual cleaning. Something that I have no problem with...if I'm thinking about it as if I am helping my bf build, which will help US build in the long run.
Which may or may not be true. I will help him build, but more than likely it will not help me the same. I think at the end of this, I will regret helping with this. I feel like I will do all the work, just for him to use this as a means to help other women. Women from his past.
And how in the hell is that supposed to make me feel? Other bitches possibly benefiting off of something that I put together? That thought has taken over today. In the ugliest ways.
I've watched this happen many times since I've been "DOWN". As I've gone out of my way to give this man my last. As I've remained faithful and hopeful that one day I'd be all he'd need. And I'm realizing, that that will never be reality for me with him.
I've tried to show just how perfect I am. How I only want him for him. Show how much of "wife material" I am....only to keep getting shown that no matter how much I do for him...it will truly never be enough to get to the place I want to be with him. I want to work for US, Not for him and his nothing hoes.
I AM SO OVER THIS BULLSHIT LIFE.
My heart is too good for this. I've never deserved to feel less than....
I never want a man to marry me just because he's settling because the one he "really wants" is a nothing hoe that he knows he can't build with.
I don't want to be anyone's fucking backup plan.
4 1/2 years in a relationship, and I feel like a fucking backup plan.
I'm just tired of everything and everyone.
Seems like I'm crying daily as my dreams silently crash around me. Closing me in, Unable to breathe..I need help sorting through my thoughts. I need help knowing if I'm wrong or right. I need help figuring out my next step.
I've never prayed so hard on a subject. I've never begged for guidance as much as I have through this. I don't want to love anyone anymore.I hate loving someone more than myself. It is by far the worst mistake I've ever made.
Stop these tears. Please.