Maybe HE taught me for someone else...

A peek inside my personal journal:

January 15, 2012:

I want to call.

Call to almost…ask permission.

Ask permission to be involved fully in someone else.

I want him to hear it from me.

I want him to know that even through this…

I love him, forever.

That I love him more than any and every one….that if I had the option to chose,

it would always be him.

ALWAYS.

BUT for now…right now, I must move on.

I can no longer sacrafice my happiness for what might turn out to be just another dream. Another fantasy, a figment of my imagination.

January 21,2012:

WE finally talked.

Talked about the new guy and him wanting a relationship.

I asked his advice,

I felt as if I needed his permission to begin anew.

The lover said that I should give the new guy, Gregory, a try.

He gave me permission.

The permission that I was seeking.

And shortly after, I had a breakdown.

A breakdown because I know that my heart only beats for him.

That the only thing I’ve ever craved…is him.

And that starting this new thing…might drive me insane.

What if it actually works with this new guy?

What if it actually lasts?

Where will that leave the lover?

When will I have my time with him?

Confession.

I’m scared.

Scared that I’m just going to fuck things up in this new relationship.

Scared to fall in love.

Scared shitless.

Scared to…what feels like, leave the lover…

Scared to let go of my dreams of him. Of us.

I feel stupid.

More so than you could even begin to imagine.

Why am I letting whatever we have…possibly affect my present?

Why am I scared to just live in the moment?

Oh yea, because it’s my heart we’re playing with now.

Tugging at its strings, testing it in every way.

I’m probably failing.

ANd I dont know how to fix it.

BUT he gave me permission. 

I wonder how he feels about it, is he really ok with it.

I guess he has to be, he isn’t here with me.

Maybe I shouldn’t go into this with so much baggage. 

Hidden baggage.

Because in the end it will all come out.

Explode in my face like it usually does.

But I can’t run from it…and no longer will I let it affect my NOW.

So…welcome the new guy.

But the most potent part of my heart will always be saved for the lover. 

Through tragedy and all.

-Robyn Latice

I'm back....again. (But forreal this time)

Yo.

So, If your here you probably notice the new changes. I've finally gotten the time to change my blog. And why exactly? Because I actually plan on blogging on it again.

I have a lot to say. And blogging is like an online journal. Helping me keep track of my progress through life.

Any who...hello to the followers who are actually still blogging...and those who come to check on me occasionally.

What's going on now?
School has started for the semester.

I'm SO over school. And my slacking has bought me another year, I would be graduating in May if I stayed on my shit. *shrugs*...I will be out of here soon enough though.

I need to find a job. I have a lot of bad habits that need to be supported. Smoking, drinking, weave, hair colors, shoes, and clothing....!I'm in my "finding my style" phase of my life...and I have SOOO much that I want to try. This should be fun.
Oh.....& there is someone new in my life too!

Finally.
His name?
For the sake of my personal creepers we'll call him....Gregory. (I think that's his middle name)
And the lover that moved to Portland, we'll refer to him as Xavier.
As not to get the two confused.

So the new guy?
He's pretty cool.
Funny as fuck, handsome, older (25), can hold a bomb ass conversation, entertains the fuck out of me,....ohhh and he's nasty. Filthy really. All positive things.
He asked me to be his girl.

I haven't been in a relationship since the ex. Yes, the ex I used to discuss when I first started this blog in 09. SO, it's been a while. BUT, I actually wouldn't mind getting into this. We've only talked for about a month....but we vibe so well together. He's a Cancer. My last two serious loves were Cancers (like myself)....I swear those make the craziest relationships. I had sworn off of male Cancers...but for some reason they seem to be the only ones to "catch me". Everything feels so good with him...

Problem though.
I miss the lover, incredibly.
Miss him more than I could ever begin to express.

Man.
So much that subconsciously I'm sabotaging what could be with the next.
I guess the details on that situation can be saved for a separate post though.

Man, I have so much to discuss.
Happy to be back on blogger, Tumblr lacks substance. (But it it addicting as fuck.)
Feel free to follow me there too. Links on the sidebar somewhere.

Even when no one is reading, this blog will forever be my favorite.

-Muah