They pretty much adore me :)

Wednesday, March 31


SO I was tagged by the lovely penandpaper [Gwen] over at Permanent Issues ![Her blog is the<---lol. Check her out!]

Here goes....

Hair -Transistioning...1/2 Natural 1/2 Permed...Terrible to deal with.

Your Mother- Protector, Provider, Comforter...My everything.
Your Father- Gone physically...but finally here w/ me everyday! :)
Fav Food- BREAD [Type:]Chinese....Yummy! I could eat it everyday!
Dream last night -Talking to daddy about my life...that he missed.
Fav drink- Coke...but I mostly drink water.
What room are you in - Bedroom?
Hobby - Writting! Reading! Blogging...& Painting! :)
Fear - I always say Rejection but I couldnt imagine losing my mom & sisters. i wouldnt be able to cope!
Where were you last night - Bed, confused as hell trying to figure out HTML!
Something that you aren't - Fake. Simple-minded.
Muffins - Chocolate Chip!
Wish list item - *Every woman too truly know her worth*
Where you grow up - Greatgranny's house on Rock street...Had our own home but was hardly there.
What you are wearing - Blue sweats, Red work shirt from when I used to wrk at Target.
Your Pet -We got rid of them all. All 3 dogs..and my Turtle, Thomas Anthony Alexander! I miss Him:(
Friends - Um, I'm sure Ive answered this somewhere on my blog.
Something your not wearing - Socks...I never wear them.
Fav Store - Walmart for everything. Forever 21 for Clothes.
Fav Color - BLACK! :)
Last time you laughed -A few minutes ago..watching Living Single! " In a 90's kind of world, Im glad I got my girls."
Your Best Friend[s] - Karimah Marie & Ally Maree! :)
Best Place you go over and over - My dreams...escape from reality.
Person who email you regularly -Blogger..tracking all my post comments.
Fav place to eat - Cheesecake Factory when im out of town! WANT one in LR!

& Im supposed to tag people...But um, I'm too lazy to put the links and stuff up! So...if you'd like to do it..Go for it! :) Toodles!

Tuesday, March 30

Let me speak hood to you..


Hello Lovelies. Today was absolutely wonderful. I mean I am still suffering through my withdrawals...but today was just beautiful. I’m in a REALLY good mood...but for some reason I still feel like ranting about something. If you don’t like to read my shit talking...move the fuck on...Ok? Anywho, My cousin and I were having a conversation. He told me that I had changed...turned into a "white girl" since we moved out of his "hood". Of course I’m like what the hell? Skin check...Still looks brown to me. He said that the way I talk makes me white. He said “You’re from the where the fuck you get that shit from? I talk like this cause I’m from the same place as you...and this how we talk." Um, excuse me? So because I grew up in the hood I'm supposed to have a certain vocabulary? I hate when people use "growing up in the hood" as an excuse for their choice of dialect. Ridiculous if you ask me. I don’t think that because you grew up in a certain area that you should dumb down your whole demeanor to fit in with them,Make up dumb ass words and say it in a dumb ass slurred tone...Nope. That is not a sufficient argument. Talking as if you’re illiterate is not an option for me and should not be to those in the hood. When has that every been a good excuse for anything?

..And then I’m fake because I grew up in the hood and talk like I have some damn sense? I mean what the fuck am I supposed to sound like? Like I have very little education? Like all I have going for me is street smarts? No thanks I don’t want to be one of the ratchets. One of the bitches you listen to and try to decipher what the fuck she is talking about. Nope...that shit is for birds! It doesn’t take much to add subjects and verbs in fucking sentences. It doesn’t take much to pronounce a word correctly. And it never hurts to expand your vocabulary. White girl my ass...I speak like I’m educated. Yes, I have something to prove...I don’t like people looking at me and thinking I'm just another dumb ghetto bitch when I open my mouth to speak. Ughh, this type of conversatin always bothers me. Because at the end the other person always argues that I think Im better than the hood..from which I was made. & I know better..I just would like others to do better! Feel me? lol...Toodles!


Monday, March 29

Withdrawals are a BITCH!

When I started this whole "celibacy" thing I really didnt think I'd last this long. I mean..I KNOW me..and umm....I just thought I would have given in by now. AND surprisingly...I havent. I should be writting this post in a month and a few days..bc It will mark my 1 year mark, but um...right now I'm having withdrawals. Sex has always taken up a big portion of my thoughts! For the pure pleasure of my partner... And that Im without it..Its worse than ever. & to make things worse my thoughts only revolve around one dick.

Setting up the scene mentally:
[Might wanna skip over this part.idk..all I know is it's my blog and I say whatever the hell I please :)!]

*Dial his number and get straight to the point*----
" I know I dont even contact you anymore...but lately I've been missing you. Well missing HIM. SHE needs HIM in her....delivering like HE usually does. I need to taste HIM...Ive just missed HIM so much! ...Need your tongue to lap HER up....Damn, its an understatement to say I crave it. Honey..Did I ever tell you you were the best? So...Get out of your plans with your girl and come fulfill my fantasies like only you can. One night honey, no one has to know but you and I....and my camera. Ohhhhh, Did I mention I wanna make a video?....Video so that the last time will ALWAYS be the most memorable....Video so that I can have a visual to go along with my usual thoughts of you...and NO you cant have a copy, we've already discussed that ;). When we get in the room...Call your girl and make up a lie to let her know you'll be TIED UP for the rest of the night. Clothes off...Lights dim.Tell her Goodnight and that you love her while I nibble at your ear. You already told me you miss it...Let me be the best you'll ever have.Then go home to your wife. No more more communication, Just come give me MY dick, then take your ass home well over satisfied. Muah! "
[Of coarse his response would be a non hesitant OK..Im on the way!]
[Like I said earlier skinny doesnt equal sexy...& its my blog so I do what I want! lol :)] about fuckin frustrated.! But I respect relationships a little too much for that, so it will remain a fantasy. No homewrecking bitch here. But these withdrawals are terrible. Starting to get to me. But I know my reasons outweigh my urges..and I will continue to tell myself that to get through this with out having to make a phone call...ok Toodles!

Friday, March 26

Update: Funeral and My Shawty

Okay, so I'll be back to my regular posting now.Thanks for all the comments under my last post. The actual funeral? Complete hell on me. I mean I've only cried at one funeral in my life and even then it was controlable. This time?...Nonstop and they actually had to drag me out of the funeral view...crazy right? I leaned in to kiss him and he was just so....hard and cold. That seriously fucked my mind up. Ughh, anywho no more details of that day. I got reaquainted with that side of my family...oh how I love those fools! life is pretty much at a stand-still right now.

This little purple monkey here is my love, Shawty[He named him that jokingly bc he used to say that word too much]. My ex won him for me at the fair during our relationship. It meant sooo much to me. No one has ever "won" anything for I thought it was really sweet. I had him for a little over a year....then I had to get rid of him.

He meant TOO much to me. Everytime I looked at him that memory would come back...and many others. && that I can not deal with . Stuffed animals never mean much to me..but this one did..and he had to go. What do you do with past loves items that they have given you? Do you throw them away or keep them tucked away out of sight. I have too many other things...odd things to remind me of him. But none with the same effect as Shawty. So to my little Shawty, Im sorry sweetheart but you were a thing of the point in hanging on to you anymore. Toodles.

Friday, March 12

TTYL Daddy:

Yo. my last post totally fucked itself up!, I havent really been up on my blog. Going through too much..and now I've lost my father. I'm posting my facebook letter on here...just to subsitute for not posting. Sorry you all. I will be back to my normal posting here soon!


I always wondered how I would feel when this day came…but I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this so soon. I thought I had time…time to rebuild a relationship. When I got the news, everything around me froze. Total silence…As feeling started to rush back into my body, I sat there trying to keep my face dry; trying to appear strong. The tears yelled “Fuck you”, and came down anyway. It was all so surreal. Not now Daddy. Not Now! I never got to say goodbye.

After hearing what took place; what led to your murder… I thought “This all could have been avoided.” But of course Mr. Hot-head can’t keep his words or his hands to himself. I can’t blame the others involved…nor God. I only can blame you Daddy; YOU because you had many opportunities to turn your life around…to get it together. Too many near death situations and still…you didn’t wake up. Same shit new day right Daddy? Well not today Daddy. Today you’re gone…Gone and how do I feel?

Out of my 19 years on this earth, 10 you spent steadily in my life. 10 years of constant memories and then you disappear. Come back in my life momentarily only to disappear again. It’s not enough to know when I graduate, my birthday, and what I was like as a child. It’s not enough, Daddy. You wondered why I never really talked to you as I got older. Well…I couldn’t deal with having a daddy that loves me when it’s convenient for him. Loves me enough to stay in life for a month or two and disappear for a year. Each time getting my hopes up high thinking maybe you would stay for the long run. Daddy…I just couldn’t deal with you being less than part-time.

All I have to go by is the man I knew when I was a child…the man I adored. How hard you fought to stay in my life when my mother was so insistent on having you out. How much you went out of your way slipping money under the door, leaving toys on the porch. Coming by on Sundays and taking us to the park, out to get pizza, and all the junk food a child could ask for. Always smiling and joking..playing and laughing. Loving…like a father should be. I missed that…and sometimes wished I could have pressed rewind. Pressed rewind to when giving up was not in your vocabulary when it came to being there for me and Ilysha. When did it become easier to walk away Daddy?

Tears flood from my eyes because I never got to show you that under all the bitterness I loved you…more than you could ever imagine. I didn’t want you to leave without knowing that I cared Daddy. I wanted to be at the hospital to keep you company in your last hours. I needed to hear you tell me not to worry…that everything was going to be fine. But I didn’t. You left me. How am I supposed to feel? What about me Daddy...What about me?

All I know is wherever you are it has to be better than here for you. It has to be less stressful, less hard on you. You have to be happier. And now….I can finally reach you whenever I need you. God needed you. I needed you. Now, I finally have you…In my life where you belong. No more running away. No more fear. No more worrying about you. I love you Daddy! Until next time…[Muah]!