Hello, My name is Random, Bytch :x

Yo.

Writers block is kicking my ass today. I’ve started 5 poems today and have yet to finish one. I was trying to get a late start on participating in poetry month...but clearly that shit just isn’t working out for me. I only write well when something is on my mind bothering me. Or giving me a feeling of complete bliss. And today neither is really going on. Today I am blank as a canvas ready to be painted on. Hmm, reminds me that I haven’t painted in a while. I keep telling myself that I want to paint a picture of my father holding me...but I just can't bring myself to do that...not now. I don’t want a tear drenched painting. I want it to be happy, joyful...and I have a beautiful effect to add to it...whenever I finish it. Well whenever I start it. I painted a total of 3 pictures of the ex. I think I’m going to discard them today...I no longer wish to look at them. They no longer mean anything to me. I should be happy about that but I'm really indifferent. It took an eternity to get over him...and now that I'm finally here...past eternity, what next? Someone new right? But what if I don’t feel like going to someone new either? The fact that I really don’t want anyone in my life right now scares me too. Scares me because I have to wonder have I given up on love so early? What happened to that love obsessed girl...the one who believed in fairytales? The one who dreamed of nothing more than possessing all the love in the world...what happened to her? I want her back.

My mind is drowning in the thoughts of sex. But giving up on celibacy feels like such a huge decision now that I've went so long. Seems like I'd regret it if I gave up just for some reliable mind blowing dick. *sigh*...Mind-blowing, back-breaking, pussy-aching...lovely dick. [Comes back from my building fantasy]...Where was I? Oh yea, celibacy. It's somewhat easy to not really act on impulse because I have to remember that I don’t want to be wanted for my pussy. If we break up and you contact me telling me how much you miss me...and my pussy?...I just don’t wanna hear it. Just miss me...my inner beauty, not how my pussy feels.

Shit, I need a nice trip to Mars. Yes...that would be lovely right now. Make a phone call and have someone deliver me some good. Lol...delivery pharmacist. But I gave that up too...I’m making so many sacrifices...they all better be worth it in the end. I'm trying to be a better person. Trying to grow...I'm making minimal progress. I recently started reading my bible every day. I was sitting in church wondering why I had never taken the time out to read the whole thing...I mean I read sooo many books for pleasure but haven’t even read half of the bible. A big part of that having to do with all the questions I am left with...all the stuff that I just can't and won’t believe...But that is for a completely different post. A bunch of random shit is running through my mind right now...taking a pit stop to discuss all of them would take forever. Besides...I think I feel like starting my painting now. Toodles.

Withdrawals are a BITCH!

Yo.
When I started this whole "celibacy" thing I really didnt think I'd last this long. I mean..I KNOW me..and umm....I just thought I would have given in by now. AND surprisingly...I havent. I should be writting this post in a month and a few days..bc It will mark my 1 year mark, but um...right now I'm having withdrawals. Sex has always taken up a big portion of my thoughts! For the pure pleasure of my partner... And now...now that Im without it..Its worse than ever. & to make things worse my thoughts only revolve around one dick.

Setting up the scene mentally:
[Might wanna skip over this part.idk..all I know is it's my blog and I say whatever the hell I please :)!]

*Dial his number and get straight to the point*----
" I know I dont even contact you anymore...but lately I've been missing you. Well missing HIM. SHE needs HIM in her....delivering like HE usually does. I need to taste HIM...Ive just missed HIM so much! ...Need your tongue to lap HER up....Damn, its an understatement to say I crave it. Honey..Did I ever tell you you were the best? So...Get out of your plans with your girl and come fulfill my fantasies like only you can. One night honey, no one has to know but you and I....and my camera. Ohhhhh, Did I mention I wanna make a video?....Video so that the last time will ALWAYS be the most memorable....Video so that I can have a visual to go along with my usual thoughts of you...and NO you cant have a copy, we've already discussed that ;). When we get in the room...Call your girl and make up a lie to let her know you'll be TIED UP for the rest of the night. Clothes off...Lights dim.Tell her Goodnight and that you love her while I nibble at your ear. You already told me you miss it...Let me be the best you'll ever have.Then go home to your wife. No more calls..no more communication, Just come give me MY dick, then take your ass home well over satisfied. Muah! "
[Of coarse his response would be a non hesitant OK..Im on the way!]

[Like I said earlier skinny doesnt equal sexy...& its my blog so I do what I want! lol :)]

......Ughh...talk about fuckin frustrated.! But I respect relationships a little too much for that, so it will remain a fantasy. No homewrecking bitch here. But these withdrawals are terrible. Starting to get to me. But I know my reasons outweigh my urges..and I will continue to tell myself that to get through this with out having to make a phone call...ok Toodles!

So...I MIGHT be celibate?

Yo.


So today has been a MUCH better day. Like I said I’m trying to be off that depressing shit! Oh, and to my new followers...*waves hands frantically*Hello lovely's! It's so nice of you to join me! :)

 Ok, so I've finally deleted all of his messages...and guess what I actually feel A LOT better! I thought I'd be sad but it's like having a fresh start finally! Anywho my topic for tonight came from reading a fellow bloggers, Epitome, post on her not hvaing sex. [Visit -Epitome-  *Here*] in this post I will be discussing my whole “I might be celibate?" thing. Yeah...celibate! Me? For those who know me yall are probably thinking "Girl hell naw, shut that shit up."...But if you scroll down I’m keeping a counter at the very bottom of the last time I've had sex. And...IT'S ALMOST BEEN 6 MONTHS! Wow!-- Now, I hate when people throw the word celibate around because most of the time if they not having sex its involuntary. Celibacy is usually based around religious reasons...and that is definetly not the case here. So I will not be throwing it around. I'm not taking a vow to be celibate, I’m just going without sex until I find someone who I feel doesn’t just want to hit. You know? And that’s been hella hard lately! Lately I just don’t trust guys as far as I can throw them [cliché I know!] But I don't. None of them.

 I mean at one point in my life I used to believe that it was possible for boys and girls to be just friends without either ever thinking any sexual thoughts about their friend. But yea...that’s proven not to be true for me. But...maybe just me. My friends that happen to be male have all expressed in some sort of way that they'd love a chance to sleep with me. I find it quite annoying. I mean here I am talking to you about all my life problems and how triflin' dudes are in general...and you’re lusting after me?! Ughhh...who does that leave me to talk to if all yall motherfuckas wanna screw me?! I mean is it really so hard to find a dude that I can just be friends with...? Without them ever thinking "Damn...if only she let me."...Ladies? Let me know if it's just me! I guess I just need to find a new group of people to hang with. New dudes, news females...cause the ones now, it just isn’t hitting on shit! [Well except my besties...love those girls to death.]

Anywho back to this whole not having sex thing. Ok, so at first it wasn’t intentional. It was just that after my last sex partner I became anti-social to the EXTREME. Which I still am, but then I didn’t even notice that I hadn’t had sex. Now? Now this shit is starting to get to me. but I’m not just gone walk up to the first dick I see and jump on it...oooh but some days...some days make me want to call up the closest dick from my past.... And I'll leave it to that. Simple. But now I’m determined to find someone who convinces me [which is gone be pretty hard] that they want more than just sex. Yeap, let’s see how high my counter gets before I take it down. Hopefully it doesn’t take ANOTHER 6 months...but who knows! :)! I hope my lovelys are having a wonderful day...Until next time...
TOODLES!