Sometimes when I wake up,
I wish I hadn't.
I wish that God would have spared me...and just let me live in the dream.
In my beautiful dreams of perfection.
Sometimes...I just don't want to be here.
Yea, I know.
I never really confess that to anyone.
Never really talk about what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling that way.
Today, I will.
I feel stuck.
Like I'm drowning in this point of my life.
Like I'm at a stand still...
like my dreams will never come true.
I remember this beautiful life plan that I made when I was in elementary.
One that consists of an awesome career, an amazing husband, beautiful and healthy children,...all living in the home of my dreams happily ever after.
A life plan that has never changed.
A life plan that I thought would be easy to achieve.
I guess I used to think just because I said it, it would happen.
Just because it's what I've wanted since forever...that it would be given to me.
I never worried about what if it doesn't happen.
What if I don't make it in the career field I've dreamed of?
What if I never meet that awesome man?
What starts to happen when your dreams fall apart?
Here I am, in college...
Still working towards those dreams.
But more and more they begin to seem unrealistic.
Like I'll never achieve them.
In my mind, I'm not trying hard enough.
But how hard can you really try in Arkansas.
What would I be able to do with my journalism degree here?
Nothing...well nothing that would fit in to my dream career.
Here...I am miserable.
Each and every day.
But I wake up, and smile.
Dress up. Attend class.
Pretend...that everything is peachy.
When, for the most part, I feel stuck.
And I hate it.
As soon as my funds are right, I'll be on the first plane out of this place.
But then I get this scary thought,
What if it isn't just Arkansas that makes me feel like this?
What if it's deeper?
Man...I pray that it's just this place, this city, this state.
I refuse to end up like everyone else here.
I just refuse.