Today I am changing my writing style for this blog. Since I am in a place where it feels like I can't speak to anyone in my life comfortably, this blog will be my new therapist...until my insurance kicks in and I can get the help I really need.So.....
Good afternoon Therapist,
Today is hard. Every time I feel overwhelmed, I realize that I don't fully trust confiding in anyone. Seriously, not one single person. Today it's back to this business shit. I don't know if I've told you...I have been building a cleaning business. For my boyfriend.
Everything that has gotten done to make the business legit, I've done. Everything that needs to be done, I will be doing...including the actual cleaning. Something that I have no problem with...if I'm thinking about it as if I am helping my bf build, which will help US build in the long run.
Which may or may not be true. I will help him build, but more than likely it will not help me the same. I think at the end of this, I will regret helping with this. I feel like I will do all the work, just for him to use this as a means to help other women. Women from his past.
And how in the hell is that supposed to make me feel? Other bitches possibly benefiting off of something that I put together? That thought has taken over today. In the ugliest ways.
I've watched this happen many times since I've been "DOWN". As I've gone out of my way to give this man my last. As I've remained faithful and hopeful that one day I'd be all he'd need. And I'm realizing, that that will never be reality for me with him.
I've tried to show just how perfect I am. How I only want him for him. Show how much of "wife material" I am....only to keep getting shown that no matter how much I do for him...it will truly never be enough to get to the place I want to be with him. I want to work for US, Not for him and his nothing hoes.
I AM SO OVER THIS BULLSHIT LIFE.
My heart is too good for this. I've never deserved to feel less than....
I never want a man to marry me just because he's settling because the one he "really wants" is a nothing hoe that he knows he can't build with.
I don't want to be anyone's fucking backup plan.
4 1/2 years in a relationship, and I feel like a fucking backup plan.
I'm just tired of everything and everyone.
Seems like I'm crying daily as my dreams silently crash around me. Closing me in, Unable to breathe..I need help sorting through my thoughts. I need help knowing if I'm wrong or right. I need help figuring out my next step.
I've never prayed so hard on a subject. I've never begged for guidance as much as I have through this. I don't want to love anyone anymore.I hate loving someone more than myself. It is by far the worst mistake I've ever made.
Stop these tears. Please.
-Robyn
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 13
Friday, October 28
Acceptance...
Hello again,
Today, I'm sane. Completly sane. Not overly emotional. Not mad. Not pissed. Not sad. Just at ease.
I think I've finally accepted where we are. What he has been saying to me.
When my friends constantly complain about their men problems I'm always the first to tell them not to take the mans words and twist them into what you think he means deep down inside. Or in other words, change them into what you really want to hear. I've been doing that for about a year now. That never works out.
He's been telling me he needs space. Needs time to enjoy the world. Something that is hard for me to understand because his actions show the complete opposite. Him encouraging me not to get a job, him providing a business for me, him providing EVERYthing for me...makes his words null and void for me, usually. Telling me how he likes taking care of me. How I only need to cook, clean, and work on the business. But since the whole Facebook stunt, I think it has finally registered. In 4 years he has never posted anything about me on his page. He does not comment/like any of my pictures, but is always watching. Which is cool. Meanwhile, he's always my cover photo...any and everyone who comes to my page can see that I am in a relationship and see who with. His? You'd think he was single. He barely posts, so I never had a problem with it because he is private. But for the first thing he posts (besides a birthday post) to be negative? Out of all the positive I've done in these last 4 years is mind-boggling. Like I said in the last post, it's a game changer.
No matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough for him. New meaning has been given to that. And unlike the first few hundred times I've said that, I feel it in my soul this go round. He feels the same way about me. I know that statement to be true. It does not affect me at this point. It just tells me I need to quit. Really quit. I could go down a list of shit I've done for him that I never have for anyone, but why does it matter? I did it all out of love, nothing else. So no reason to bring it up now. Just know, I am not your average 20 something year old. I'm on a different playing field, and to have someone so blind that they don't see it? You can't force someone to see you for who you are. If they see you like everyone else, and easily disposable...dispose of yourself.
Those are the words I need to live by. Stop fighting to prove my worth. Because it shines bright in everything I do.
Despite the way it sounds, I'm feeling invincible. I feel like a new door has been open with endless possibilities. For the first time, starting over doesn't feel like a death sentence for me. It doesn't make my heart speed to dangerous speeds. It doesn't make my eyes water. It doesn't have me all sweaty. I'm not damn near balled in a corner praying for strength. I'm not having to talk myself out of a panic attack. Or a killing spree. I am at ease.
It may be just for today, but this is what I will need to get through this. This needs to be my everyday mood until I walk away for good.
I'm thankful for this process. The good and the bad.
Today, I'm sane. Completly sane. Not overly emotional. Not mad. Not pissed. Not sad. Just at ease.
I think I've finally accepted where we are. What he has been saying to me.
When my friends constantly complain about their men problems I'm always the first to tell them not to take the mans words and twist them into what you think he means deep down inside. Or in other words, change them into what you really want to hear. I've been doing that for about a year now. That never works out.
He's been telling me he needs space. Needs time to enjoy the world. Something that is hard for me to understand because his actions show the complete opposite. Him encouraging me not to get a job, him providing a business for me, him providing EVERYthing for me...makes his words null and void for me, usually. Telling me how he likes taking care of me. How I only need to cook, clean, and work on the business. But since the whole Facebook stunt, I think it has finally registered. In 4 years he has never posted anything about me on his page. He does not comment/like any of my pictures, but is always watching. Which is cool. Meanwhile, he's always my cover photo...any and everyone who comes to my page can see that I am in a relationship and see who with. His? You'd think he was single. He barely posts, so I never had a problem with it because he is private. But for the first thing he posts (besides a birthday post) to be negative? Out of all the positive I've done in these last 4 years is mind-boggling. Like I said in the last post, it's a game changer.
No matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough for him. New meaning has been given to that. And unlike the first few hundred times I've said that, I feel it in my soul this go round. He feels the same way about me. I know that statement to be true. It does not affect me at this point. It just tells me I need to quit. Really quit. I could go down a list of shit I've done for him that I never have for anyone, but why does it matter? I did it all out of love, nothing else. So no reason to bring it up now. Just know, I am not your average 20 something year old. I'm on a different playing field, and to have someone so blind that they don't see it? You can't force someone to see you for who you are. If they see you like everyone else, and easily disposable...dispose of yourself.
Those are the words I need to live by. Stop fighting to prove my worth. Because it shines bright in everything I do.
Despite the way it sounds, I'm feeling invincible. I feel like a new door has been open with endless possibilities. For the first time, starting over doesn't feel like a death sentence for me. It doesn't make my heart speed to dangerous speeds. It doesn't make my eyes water. It doesn't have me all sweaty. I'm not damn near balled in a corner praying for strength. I'm not having to talk myself out of a panic attack. Or a killing spree. I am at ease.
It may be just for today, but this is what I will need to get through this. This needs to be my everyday mood until I walk away for good.
I'm thankful for this process. The good and the bad.
Wednesday, October 26
Lost love, again
Hello again,
This is my outlet. The place I come with all my fears. Right now? I fear that my relationship has finally come to an end. After almost 5 years, I fear that we can not fix this. We've been through so much. I've been through so much. Maybe too much.
Even still, I am here with full armour fighting to the death. Fighting to the death. One of us must die for the fight to end. And I think that person is me. I think I have to let my love die in order to move on.
I dont want to move on. I don't want any one else.
I thought this was my one.
I thought I'd finally found my forever.
But my forever, is tired of her.
Not because she is impossible to deal with (although she can be), but because he has his own equally prominent mental issues...and that can take a toll on anyone. Having to deal with her and him, I don't know where I stand.
I love him. With every cell in my body. I love him like nothing else in this world. I love him like he is a part of me. Like he came from me. I can't properly express the depth. It's endless. Bottomless. Unconditional. Irreplaceable.
We've been arguing a lot over nonsense.
Yesterday was probably the worst case of nothing escalating into something in a matter of seconds.
But removing my feelings from the situation, I understand where he was coming from. I should've been more mindful. Less worried about being rude to a stranger and more focused on supporting him. I thought I was doing that by being there. Miscommunication and misunderstanding, as always.
She came out yesterday, despite my efforts of tightly gripping my sanity. He did not convey his message well. He tried conveying it by control. By belittling me. That is the quickest way to get her to come out. And once she's out, there is no stopping her. She showed her ass last night. And there is no erasing her behavior.
Who is understanding when you try to apologize after having a complete meltdown? Almost no one.
In the last week, I've been extra careful in how I react to situations. I have been practicing control, and as hard as it is at times, its been successful. But being told how little I do/am incites rage. A rage I can never stop. Only because I go out of my way for him. As he does for me. I am the one that has been there more than anyone else. I am the one he can depend on in times of bad situations. NO one else, but me. Yesterday, it was worse. Worse because he decided to post to my wall. He wrote how crazy I was being, how out of control I was, how he didn't want me in his home, and begging anyone to come pick me up. I am very private on social media. He is more private than me. We have never gone to social media with any of our past problems.
That was a breaking point. The game-changer. That's when she came out in her rarest form.
I was wrong. He was wrong. But no apologies have been given, and I doubt they will be.
I don't think I'll ever date another Cancer after this. We have too many of the same issues.
I fear that my relationship has come to an end, and I am in no way capable of dealing with the aftermath. *sigh*
This is my outlet. The place I come with all my fears. Right now? I fear that my relationship has finally come to an end. After almost 5 years, I fear that we can not fix this. We've been through so much. I've been through so much. Maybe too much.
Even still, I am here with full armour fighting to the death. Fighting to the death. One of us must die for the fight to end. And I think that person is me. I think I have to let my love die in order to move on.
I dont want to move on. I don't want any one else.
I thought this was my one.
I thought I'd finally found my forever.
But my forever, is tired of her.
Not because she is impossible to deal with (although she can be), but because he has his own equally prominent mental issues...and that can take a toll on anyone. Having to deal with her and him, I don't know where I stand.
I love him. With every cell in my body. I love him like nothing else in this world. I love him like he is a part of me. Like he came from me. I can't properly express the depth. It's endless. Bottomless. Unconditional. Irreplaceable.
We've been arguing a lot over nonsense.
Yesterday was probably the worst case of nothing escalating into something in a matter of seconds.
But removing my feelings from the situation, I understand where he was coming from. I should've been more mindful. Less worried about being rude to a stranger and more focused on supporting him. I thought I was doing that by being there. Miscommunication and misunderstanding, as always.
She came out yesterday, despite my efforts of tightly gripping my sanity. He did not convey his message well. He tried conveying it by control. By belittling me. That is the quickest way to get her to come out. And once she's out, there is no stopping her. She showed her ass last night. And there is no erasing her behavior.
Who is understanding when you try to apologize after having a complete meltdown? Almost no one.
In the last week, I've been extra careful in how I react to situations. I have been practicing control, and as hard as it is at times, its been successful. But being told how little I do/am incites rage. A rage I can never stop. Only because I go out of my way for him. As he does for me. I am the one that has been there more than anyone else. I am the one he can depend on in times of bad situations. NO one else, but me. Yesterday, it was worse. Worse because he decided to post to my wall. He wrote how crazy I was being, how out of control I was, how he didn't want me in his home, and begging anyone to come pick me up. I am very private on social media. He is more private than me. We have never gone to social media with any of our past problems.
That was a breaking point. The game-changer. That's when she came out in her rarest form.
I was wrong. He was wrong. But no apologies have been given, and I doubt they will be.
I don't think I'll ever date another Cancer after this. We have too many of the same issues.
I fear that my relationship has come to an end, and I am in no way capable of dealing with the aftermath. *sigh*
Wednesday, April 4
Lately, I haven't been feeling it...
The feelings that I once had seem as if they are withering away.
Feelings that seem so recent...that seem so fresh,
withering away like a dying rose.
But just as the rose, the love is still beautiful...even while withering.
As I sit here re-reading all the things I felt, I fell...
they begin to sound unfamiliar.
The love I described for him...
can it be leaving so soon?
Communication has died...
and in came someone new.
Someone to distract me...
someone else to admire me, flaws and all.
Like HE used to.
What is this love that I have approached?
An unexpected twist.
What happened to those feelings of forever?
What happened to our bond?
I love him, still...
with every breath I take I still do love him.
But is it the same?
Is it the love where all I can imagine is being with him?
Is he the first and last person on my mind every day?
Is he my fairytale ending?
No.
No, he is not.
& how do I feel about it?
That...that is where I am lost.
Lost for words.
I can't believe that in a few months...
I have given up.
Given up on US.
Almost replaced those beautiful dreams with someone else.
Dreams that I wanted so bad to come true.
Even while withering,
I will not throw him away.
I will not give up on him, as a person.
But sometimes...
Sometimes, I wish I could remove the rest of the feelings.
Because now, all love is clouded by confusion.
My mind tells me to just mark him off as yet another failed attempt at love.
But my heart?
My heart...is screaming, screaming and fighting to never let him go.
The heart is blind, it knows not of his flaws.
It knows not of our dilemma...
All it knows is what it feels when he's in the picture.
Better than anything or any person has ever made it feel.
Blind to the foolishness, holding on so tight.
But my mind...
My mind knows better.
Knows that logically...he should have been erased.
Knows that I deserve better.
But what do I listen to...what should I trust to lead me?
The age old question- do I go with my heart or my mind?
Thursday, February 16
Him again...
I have a fear of running out of words.
Even as I sit here now....
my mind an empty canvas.
Well, almost empty.
Besides the fact that HE is there.
He is always there.
Lately, I've been having the strangest dreams about him and I.
Dreams of a broken forever.
Those of a more realistic nature.
Last night?
Last night I dreamed about his wedding.
About me sitting on the second row, middle pew...smack dead in the center.
Crying my eyes out as his future wife walked down the aisle to greet him.
In my mind Congratulations by Vesta Williams was playing.
"Congratulations...
I thought it would have been me.
Standin’ here with you,
Congratulations...
I hope you’re happy.
‘Cause as long as I can breathe
You’ll always be the one for me."
It was all so surreal. The weird thing though....75percent of my tears were of joy. Happy that he had found someone to settle down with...someone he was willing to love properly. Even if it wasn't me.
Crazy.
I've never sat down and seriously thought about marrying him.
Not at all really....it only comes in my dreams.
My dreams are never just normal dreams when it comes to him.
It's either one extreme or the next.
Regardless, he frequents them often.
Sometimes I wish I never fell in love with him.
Just so that I wouldn't miss him so much.
I keep replaying 2 certain occasions when I wished my decision was different. Freshman year. What if I would have said yes when he asked did I want him to cut everyone else off? What if I had said yes, I only want it to be me? And what if I would have stayed...stayed when he asked me not to change colleges? Stayed and lived in this twisted fairytale he had planned out? " There will be room in my closet for you...and I'll have a drawer or something at your place." What if ....I let it all play out.
Man.
Sometimes I can't help but feel like I sabotaged this.
This...tale of love.
All because I was damaged.
Am I damaged now?
Am I doing the same thing to the new guy?
Probably.
Definitely.
But I can't help that I stay on past loves for SO long.
Especially this time.
Because whatever we have hasn't really ended.
Maybe it needs to.
I'm happy with this.
BUT still, I dream of more.
Wanna be here, in his life...
but still, I DREAM of more.
I love him...
Infatuated even.
Obsessed...
and addicted.
I want him here...
I need him here.
More than anything I wish I had done things differently.
Maybe my dreams would be closer to coming true.
Even as I sit here now....
my mind an empty canvas.
Well, almost empty.
Besides the fact that HE is there.
He is always there.
Lately, I've been having the strangest dreams about him and I.
Dreams of a broken forever.
Those of a more realistic nature.
Last night?
Last night I dreamed about his wedding.
About me sitting on the second row, middle pew...smack dead in the center.
Crying my eyes out as his future wife walked down the aisle to greet him.
In my mind Congratulations by Vesta Williams was playing.
"Congratulations...
I thought it would have been me.
Standin’ here with you,
Congratulations...
I hope you’re happy.
‘Cause as long as I can breathe
You’ll always be the one for me."
It was all so surreal. The weird thing though....75percent of my tears were of joy. Happy that he had found someone to settle down with...someone he was willing to love properly. Even if it wasn't me.
Crazy.
I've never sat down and seriously thought about marrying him.
Not at all really....it only comes in my dreams.
My dreams are never just normal dreams when it comes to him.
It's either one extreme or the next.
Regardless, he frequents them often.
Sometimes I wish I never fell in love with him.
Just so that I wouldn't miss him so much.
I keep replaying 2 certain occasions when I wished my decision was different. Freshman year. What if I would have said yes when he asked did I want him to cut everyone else off? What if I had said yes, I only want it to be me? And what if I would have stayed...stayed when he asked me not to change colleges? Stayed and lived in this twisted fairytale he had planned out? " There will be room in my closet for you...and I'll have a drawer or something at your place." What if ....I let it all play out.
Man.
Sometimes I can't help but feel like I sabotaged this.
This...tale of love.
All because I was damaged.
Am I damaged now?
Am I doing the same thing to the new guy?
Probably.
Definitely.
But I can't help that I stay on past loves for SO long.
Especially this time.
Because whatever we have hasn't really ended.
Maybe it needs to.
I'm happy with this.
BUT still, I dream of more.
Wanna be here, in his life...
but still, I DREAM of more.
I love him...
Infatuated even.
Obsessed...
and addicted.
I want him here...
I need him here.
More than anything I wish I had done things differently.
Maybe my dreams would be closer to coming true.
Wednesday, February 8
The importance of titles...
Yo.
So what's on the menu for today's discussion?
What's on my mind?
Titles.
As in titles for relationships.
So....
How important are titles?
For me? They are extremely important. I put titles on everything, and everyone. Seriously. My best friend asked why I always had to label everything...she said it was one of my problems. And I agree..completely. That doesn't mean that it will change though.
To me, titles are everything.
Excuse me but I just don't get being involved in something, having EVERY relationship privilege...with absolutely no title. What is the point of that? Have you just gotten too comfortable in the space that you are that it would be pointless to be IN A relationship? Instead you rather be with someone who you spend all your free time with, going out, hanging out, fucking, even loving....but don't want to be IN a relationship? Ladies, that's bullshit. I know that most of you want to be...but the guy is usually the problem.You're too busy tip-toeing around what he feels, what he thinks,and what he wants. What about what you want? What you need?
Ladies, why are we constantly selling ourselves short?
And yes, I said we.
I am not above the title-less love position.
From previous post, you can obviously tell that I've been there, done that.
BUT, I wasn't offering everything I would as a girlfriend.
Never have, never will.
But too many times I've gotten awfully close.
Wanting to be ALL in.
To cook, to "trick" on him, to go that extra mile everyday to remind him that I love him.
Yea, things that I've never really done for anyone.
But I wanted to for him....
and then I reminded myself, I am not the girlfriend.
Don't make yourself so readily available like you are the girlfriend.
As someones girlfriend, it's a completely different game for me.
As a girlfriend, my behavior will change, for the better.
If I'm not good enough to ever make it to girlfriend, there are some experiences you just won't ever get to sample. And it means that you never really deserved them anyway.
Really sit back and examine your situation. Are you in a title-less love? Do you like it being title-less? How long has it been? Why don't you have a title? Why are you not good enough?
For me, in my situation...I asked.
I asked him about why when he was here why was I never considered for girlfriend.
His answer?
" I knew I was moving. And I'm not good with distance."
Simple enough. Bullshit answer if you ask me.
He wasn't ready for a girlfriend, for so many obvious reasons.
Period. I didn't trip about it.
It is what it is.
I never gave all the girlfriend privileges anyway...it's never been like that with us.
So IN my head, my situation is different.
Why would you agree to hide something that you've put so much work into? Why really agree to giving all the privileges? What's to offer when it's time to go further? What would really change? If your doing relationship shit and getting relationship benefits...what is keeping you from getting/giving the title?
Someone please explain it to me? Girlfriend is not wife.
Why not give it a go? Try something new....
Because if both parties were really feeling each other as much as they think, they would be there.
Someone is being deceived.
Male or female...someone has the upper hand.
Don't settle for someone wanting to be a hoe...
why the fuck are they fucking with your heart then?
Or they might be scared? But to me...that isn't a valid excuse.
Sometimes it's worth it...sometimes going with the flow is what's best...
But...still I say, Move on.
Most situations as such end in a very ugly manner.
And someone is always left heartbroken...just don't let it be you.
So what's on the menu for today's discussion?
What's on my mind?
Titles.
As in titles for relationships.
So....
How important are titles?
For me? They are extremely important. I put titles on everything, and everyone. Seriously. My best friend asked why I always had to label everything...she said it was one of my problems. And I agree..completely. That doesn't mean that it will change though.
To me, titles are everything.
Excuse me but I just don't get being involved in something, having EVERY relationship privilege...with absolutely no title. What is the point of that? Have you just gotten too comfortable in the space that you are that it would be pointless to be IN A relationship? Instead you rather be with someone who you spend all your free time with, going out, hanging out, fucking, even loving....but don't want to be IN a relationship? Ladies, that's bullshit. I know that most of you want to be...but the guy is usually the problem.You're too busy tip-toeing around what he feels, what he thinks,and what he wants. What about what you want? What you need?
Ladies, why are we constantly selling ourselves short?
And yes, I said we.
I am not above the title-less love position.
From previous post, you can obviously tell that I've been there, done that.
BUT, I wasn't offering everything I would as a girlfriend.
Never have, never will.
But too many times I've gotten awfully close.
Wanting to be ALL in.
To cook, to "trick" on him, to go that extra mile everyday to remind him that I love him.
Yea, things that I've never really done for anyone.
But I wanted to for him....
and then I reminded myself, I am not the girlfriend.
Don't make yourself so readily available like you are the girlfriend.
As someones girlfriend, it's a completely different game for me.
As a girlfriend, my behavior will change, for the better.
If I'm not good enough to ever make it to girlfriend, there are some experiences you just won't ever get to sample. And it means that you never really deserved them anyway.
Really sit back and examine your situation. Are you in a title-less love? Do you like it being title-less? How long has it been? Why don't you have a title? Why are you not good enough?
For me, in my situation...I asked.
I asked him about why when he was here why was I never considered for girlfriend.
His answer?
" I knew I was moving. And I'm not good with distance."
Simple enough. Bullshit answer if you ask me.
He wasn't ready for a girlfriend, for so many obvious reasons.
Period. I didn't trip about it.
It is what it is.
I never gave all the girlfriend privileges anyway...it's never been like that with us.
So IN my head, my situation is different.
Why would you agree to hide something that you've put so much work into? Why really agree to giving all the privileges? What's to offer when it's time to go further? What would really change? If your doing relationship shit and getting relationship benefits...what is keeping you from getting/giving the title?
Someone please explain it to me? Girlfriend is not wife.
Why not give it a go? Try something new....
Because if both parties were really feeling each other as much as they think, they would be there.
Someone is being deceived.
Male or female...someone has the upper hand.
Don't settle for someone wanting to be a hoe...
why the fuck are they fucking with your heart then?
Or they might be scared? But to me...that isn't a valid excuse.
Sometimes it's worth it...sometimes going with the flow is what's best...
But...still I say, Move on.
Most situations as such end in a very ugly manner.
And someone is always left heartbroken...just don't let it be you.
Tuesday, February 7
Can I tell you something?...
Today, I'm doing a 10-1. Things have changed since my first one....
Remember, the 10 to 1 is basically writing down the 10 things I wish I could say to 10 different people but...cant, won't or just haven't. And I don't say who they are :)
To the woman that my prayers have always been reserved for:
Quick tempers.
Sugarless words.
Frequent fists.
Replaying in my new found years of maturity. Years of understanding. Perfection was expected; nothing less accepted. Love disguised by a desire to breed the best. For then, for now, for the future...thank you, I needed it, all.
To my title-less love, the man of my frequently subconscious desires:
part of me hopes this lasts forever.
Beyond forever.
This? This romance, this friendship...this bond.
You frequent my dreams and I allow those images to take control.
Even if no one else ever understands, my love is with you for this lifetime. My lifetime. Your lifetime. Remember through it all, you got me.
To the creator of all souls, the father of all minds:
I need you.
I always have.
I tend to lose sight of what is important to me...sometimes all I have is you.
All my darkest confessions lye with you.
Please help me to overcome the things I can't seem to shake. Keep me guided in the right direction...and if I start to stray please reach down and remind me where I'm headed.
To the new man, slowly trying to tip-toe into my heart:
Be careful. I am broken, handle me with care.
Be patient for those times that I forget that someone loves me.
Fight harder in those times when I will push you away.
Communicate and trust me. I am stronger than I appear.
& remember: I no longer believe in fairy tales.
To the one before the last,"something to do when there's nothing to do"... Number 9 if you will:
I hope you knew what it was when we started.
I hope you knew that I was only interested in one thing...and for your sake I hope you were too.
It wasn't what I'm used to, no where near it. So I'm over it. You had your one shot... and my thoughts?
On to the next...
To the past, the one's who never made it:
It takes a certain type of person to deal with me.
You didn't measure up.
Or maybe it was I..I who didn't measure up.
It's not your fault...it never was.
I'm sorry.
Part of me wishes, the smallest part---that something would have worked. That maybe I wouldn't be so scarred,...so close to heartless.
To the neglected spirit of my genes:
I have been acting as if you never existed.
I used to speak to you everyday when you first left me,
Correction: When you first came back in my life for eternity.
Somewhere between this hell and heaven, my words got lost.
Maybe I'm ashamed to still be in the same place...
I love you. & I know these genes weren't passed on to become nothing.
Next time I speak with you, I will be doing better. No excuses.
To the one soul that may possess the most faith in me:
My personal little angel.
Thank you for always being here...even when my emotions surpass alone.
Thank you for having my back when the world turned theirs.
Thank you for loving me, unconditionally.
& Thank you most for encouraging me to be better, better than anyone expected. With my heart, mind,and soul...I love you.
To the one who I am supposed to confide to:
Sometimes, I don't want to talk about serious issues.
Too worried that I'm being judged for certain situations.
And I know...I know I shouldn't feel like it.
I know I should just rant and ramble my life away..
that is what your here for. But sometimes...I just don't want to.
Sometimes I rather write, write where I can't be judged
To the root of it all, the over-analyzer... the corrupt dreamer:
We've come along way.
I've watched as we've grown from naive little girl, to a beautiful knowledge-seeking young lady.
The things that were once important to you, have been replaced by real issues.
The things that you never understood are suddenly becoming clear as day. We have a long journey, this is only the beginning. Continue to grow. When we look back on it all, hopefully our dreams will have finally become reality. And I'll look at you with my best smile and nod " You go girl."
Remember, the 10 to 1 is basically writing down the 10 things I wish I could say to 10 different people but...cant, won't or just haven't. And I don't say who they are :)
To the woman that my prayers have always been reserved for:
Quick tempers.
Sugarless words.
Replaying in my new found years of maturity. Years of understanding. Perfection was expected; nothing less accepted. Love disguised by a desire to breed the best. For then, for now, for the future...thank you, I needed it, all.
To my title-less love, the man of my frequently subconscious desires:
part of me hopes this lasts forever.
This? This romance, this friendship...this bond.
You frequent my dreams and I allow those images to take control.
Even if no one else ever understands, my love is with you for this lifetime. My lifetime. Your lifetime. Remember through it all, you got me.
To the creator of all souls, the father of all minds:
I need you.
I always have.
I tend to lose sight of what is important to me...sometimes all I have is you.
All my darkest confessions lye with you.
Please help me to overcome the things I can't seem to shake. Keep me guided in the right direction...and if I start to stray please reach down and remind me where I'm headed.
To the new man, slowly trying to tip-toe into my heart:
Be careful. I am broken, handle me with care.
Be patient for those times that I forget that someone loves me.
Fight harder in those times when I will push you away.
Communicate and trust me. I am stronger than I appear.
& remember: I no longer believe in fairy tales.
To the one before the last,"something to do when there's nothing to do"... Number 9 if you will:
I hope you knew what it was when we started.
I hope you knew that I was only interested in one thing...and for your sake I hope you were too.
It wasn't what I'm used to, no where near it. So I'm over it. You had your one shot... and my thoughts?
On to the next...
To the past, the one's who never made it:
It takes a certain type of person to deal with me.
You didn't measure up.
Or maybe it was I
It's not your fault...it never was.
I'm sorry.
Part of me wishes, the smallest part---that something would have worked. That maybe I wouldn't be so scarred,...so close to heartless.
To the neglected spirit of my genes:
I have been acting as if you never existed.
I used to speak to you everyday when you first left me,
Correction: When you first came back in my life for eternity.
Somewhere between this hell and heaven, my words got lost.
Maybe I'm ashamed to still be in the same place...
I love you. & I know these genes weren't passed on to become nothing.
Next time I speak with you, I will be doing better. No excuses.
To the one soul that may possess the most faith in me:
My personal little angel.
Thank you for always being here...even when my emotions surpass alone.
Thank you for having my back when the world turned theirs.
Thank you for loving me, unconditionally.
& Thank you most for encouraging me to be better, better than anyone expected. With my heart, mind,and soul...I love you.
To the one who I am supposed to confide to:
Sometimes, I don't want to talk about serious issues.
Too worried that I'm being judged for certain situations.
And I know...I know I shouldn't feel like it.
I know I should just rant and ramble my life away..
that is what your here for. But sometimes...
Sometimes I rather write, write where I can't be judged
To the root of it all, the over-analyzer... the corrupt dreamer:
We've come along way.
I've watched as we've grown from naive little girl, to a beautiful knowledge-seeking young lady.
The things that were once important to you, have been replaced by real issues.
The things that you never understood are suddenly becoming clear as day. We have a long journey, this is only the beginning. Continue to grow. When we look back on it all, hopefully our dreams will have finally become reality. And I'll look at you with my best smile and nod " You go girl."
Sincerely,
The mind of the dreamer with the corrupt heart, who has finally been pry-ed open
Monday, February 6
Love, move over...
I'm convinved that I worry too much about love.
Much like most people, failure/rejection is my biggest fear.
In every sense of the word.
I fear that maybe I won't find my "one".
I fear being alone at the end of forever.
I fear not having someone to grow old with...
I fear never becoming someone's wife.
I think too much about it all.
Too much about who forever will really mean forever with.
I should be focused more on taking steps towards my career.
Getting internships, traveling, freelance writing to get my words seen...
But most times?
Love consumes me.
Love is first in my life.
Forever has been, probably forever will be.
I hate being a hopeless romantic.
Hate it with a passion.
Even when it may appear that I'm "alone", I'm loving someone...
Loving someone, somewhere..with my all.
I have too many goals for love to be number one.
There will forever be time for love...
but opportunities, career-wise?
Come and then in the blink of an eye, you've missed your big chance.
Let's rearrange my priorities:
1.Build a better relationship with God.
2. Focus more on graduating.
3. Slowly begin to tip-toe into the writing feild.
4. Figure out where you need to be to best accomplish what you want. {State/City}
5. Build a better foundation for yourself. {Support system}
6. Figure out what exactly you want in this man of my future "forever".
7. Take it slow, live your life...
8. When the correct love shows up, don't push it away. Be accepting; be open for change.
Now, if only love would just take a hike for a while.
Wishful thinking.
Much like most people, failure/rejection is my biggest fear.
In every sense of the word.
I fear that maybe I won't find my "one".
I fear being alone at the end of forever.
I fear not having someone to grow old with...
I fear never becoming someone's wife.
I think too much about it all.
Too much about who forever will really mean forever with.
I should be focused more on taking steps towards my career.
Getting internships, traveling, freelance writing to get my words seen...
But most times?
Love consumes me.
Love is first in my life.
Forever has been, probably forever will be.
I hate being a hopeless romantic.
Hate it with a passion.
Even when it may appear that I'm "alone", I'm loving someone...
Loving someone, somewhere..with my all.
I have too many goals for love to be number one.
There will forever be time for love...
but opportunities, career-wise?
Come and then in the blink of an eye, you've missed your big chance.
Let's rearrange my priorities:
1.Build a better relationship with God.
2. Focus more on graduating.
3. Slowly begin to tip-toe into the writing feild.
4. Figure out where you need to be to best accomplish what you want. {State/City}
5. Build a better foundation for yourself. {Support system}
6. Figure out what exactly you want in this man of my future "forever".
7. Take it slow, live your life...
8. When the correct love shows up, don't push it away. Be accepting; be open for change.
Now, if only love would just take a hike for a while.
Wishful thinking.
Monday, January 30
In my moments of craziness...
Yo.
Ok, so my last post?
Just me...in the heat of the moment.
Pretty in my feelings, clearly.
Lol.
I thought it over.
And I realized something.
The only opinion that matters in the situation is my own.
What I think.
I know that whatever is going on doesn't need a definition at the moment.
I'm doing my thing...and he's doing his.
AND I'm actually really happy with where I am right now.
REALLY happy.
I like whatever is going on.
And I will continue to root him on in all his endeavors.
Continue to wish for his success.
Continue to pry in his business.
Continue to be here for him.
Continue to be Robyn with him.
Through tragedy and all.
Ok, so my last post?
Just me...in the heat of the moment.
Pretty in my feelings, clearly.
Lol.
I thought it over.
And I realized something.
The only opinion that matters in the situation is my own.
What I think.
I know that whatever is going on doesn't need a definition at the moment.
I'm doing my thing...and he's doing his.
AND I'm actually really happy with where I am right now.
REALLY happy.
I like whatever is going on.
And I will continue to root him on in all his endeavors.
Continue to wish for his success.
Continue to pry in his business.
Continue to be here for him.
Continue to be Robyn with him.
Through tragedy and all.
Monday, January 23
Maybe HE taught me for someone else...
A peek inside my personal journal:
January 15, 2012:
I want to call.
Call to almost…ask permission.
Ask permission to be involved fully in someone else.
I want him to hear it from me.
I want him to know that even through this…
I love him, forever.
That I love him more than any and every one….that if I had the option to chose,
it would always be him.
ALWAYS.
BUT for now…right now, I must move on.
I can no longer sacrafice my happiness for what might turn out to be just another dream. Another fantasy, a figment of my imagination.
January 21,2012:
WE finally talked.
Talked about the new guy and him wanting a relationship.
I asked his advice,
I felt as if I needed his permission to begin anew.
The lover said that I should give the new guy, Gregory, a try.
He gave me permission.
The permission that I was seeking.
And shortly after, I had a breakdown.
A breakdown because I know that my heart only beats for him.
That the only thing I’ve ever craved…is him.
And that starting this new thing…might drive me insane.
What if it actually works with this new guy?
What if it actually lasts?
Where will that leave the lover?
When will I have my time with him?
Confession.
I’m scared.
Scared that I’m just going to fuck things up in this new relationship.
Scared to fall in love.
Scared shitless.
Scared to…what feels like, leave the lover…
Scared to let go of my dreams of him. Of us.
I feel stupid.
More so than you could even begin to imagine.
Why am I letting whatever we have…possibly affect my present?
Why am I scared to just live in the moment?
Oh yea, because it’s my heart we’re playing with now.
Tugging at its strings, testing it in every way.
I’m probably failing.
ANd I dont know how to fix it.
BUT he gave me permission.
I wonder how he feels about it, is he really ok with it.
I guess he has to be, he isn’t here with me.
Maybe I shouldn’t go into this with so much baggage.
Hidden baggage.
Because in the end it will all come out.
Explode in my face like it usually does.
But I can’t run from it…and no longer will I let it affect my NOW.
So…welcome the new guy.
But the most potent part of my heart will always be saved for the lover.
Through tragedy and all.
-Robyn Latice
Friday, December 9
Counting down the days...
Yo.
I'm not really sure when EXACTLY he's coming home.
But I know that it's soon.
Soon, and I cannot wait to see his face.
I adore him, in every sense of the word.
I'm sure he won't really agree with my decision, but it's better than nothing. I'm ready for these fantasies to be taken care of. To begin this plutonic friendship after the fun is over.
It's crazy.
He's been the only dick in me for almost the past 3 years.
Last one besides him was the ex.
Valentines day 2009.
Since then, it's only been him.
Maybe that's why I don't really care to branch out.
Find replacement dick.
Because I'm completely satisfied with him.
Unless I can get a guarantee that the next will do it like him,or better...I don't want it.
I don't even want to try.
But there is absolutely no way in hell that I will limit myself to dick only when he visits.
That would mean that I would be celibate for majority of the year...with maybe 2 visits from him.
Fuck no, right now that sounds insane.
But it only SOUNDS insane.
I've gone without it for the last 5 months.
Waiting...for him to come back. Isn't that crazy?
I've needed it.
NEEDed it.
& I don't just want to go out and find random dick.
Nor do I really want a relationship or to be in love with anyone else.
The problem. I only want him, so the option of someone else has become non-existent.
But my sex drive is too high for me to continue doing this.
Because if I had the option to fuck him EVERYday I would.
Every morning.
Every night.
Surprise mid-day sex.
Smh, I wish I could go back to a time when all of that was an option.
We'd bang like rabbits.
When he gets here, I need to have all of my fantasies in order. I only want him to fulfill them. And if this is going to be the last few times, then I need to make it count.
Counting down the days...
The hours, the minutes, ...the seconds.
I'm not really sure when EXACTLY he's coming home.
But I know that it's soon.
Soon, and I cannot wait to see his face.
I adore him, in every sense of the word.
I'm sure he won't really agree with my decision, but it's better than nothing. I'm ready for these fantasies to be taken care of. To begin this plutonic friendship after the fun is over.
It's crazy.
He's been the only dick in me for almost the past 3 years.
Last one besides him was the ex.
Valentines day 2009.
Since then, it's only been him.
Maybe that's why I don't really care to branch out.
Find replacement dick.
Because I'm completely satisfied with him.
Unless I can get a guarantee that the next will do it like him,or better...I don't want it.
I don't even want to try.
But there is absolutely no way in hell that I will limit myself to dick only when he visits.
That would mean that I would be celibate for majority of the year...with maybe 2 visits from him.
Fuck no, right now that sounds insane.
But it only SOUNDS insane.
I've gone without it for the last 5 months.
Waiting...for him to come back. Isn't that crazy?
I've needed it.
NEEDed it.
& I don't just want to go out and find random dick.
Nor do I really want a relationship or to be in love with anyone else.
The problem. I only want him, so the option of someone else has become non-existent.
But my sex drive is too high for me to continue doing this.
Because if I had the option to fuck him EVERYday I would.
Every morning.
Every night.
Surprise mid-day sex.
Smh, I wish I could go back to a time when all of that was an option.
We'd bang like rabbits.
When he gets here, I need to have all of my fantasies in order. I only want him to fulfill them. And if this is going to be the last few times, then I need to make it count.
Counting down the days...
The hours, the minutes, ...the seconds.
Sunday, November 27
All I can seem to write about is him...
Yo. Just another love poem.
Loves Limit:
Baby...
I...have a confession,
I love you.
Not just that regular fly by night type love...
Naw.
That, baby I love you with my soul type love.
That, baby I love you only when I ...breathe type love.
That, I dream about you every night when I sleep type love.
Yea...baby, I'm in love with you.
I wanna show you new depths of passion, be the only one you need when you dream of love. On some L.L type shit, yea I'm in need of love.
Not that, only know me when you feel you need it type love.
Not that, every single day I fuckin' hate you type love.
Not that motivated by lust, riddled with lies type love.
Naw baby...Naw.
But that, you could be my personal supply of happiness type love.
Yea, baby...I love you.
I need you to teach me all the secrets that you need in love, help me pave the way to suceed to love.
Not that, only said it to get what I need type love.
But that, planning out our future only wanna be with you type love.
That, kiss you all night while you sleep type love.
That, remind you everyday that you're all I...breathe type love.
Yea...baby, I'm completley IN love with you.
All I want is to know that we'll make it in love. All I need is to reach the impossible through love.
Not that, insecure mediocre I love you because you love me type love.
Not that, selfish ass all about me me me type love.
But that, becoming a better me to work towards US type love.
That...If I can't have forever with you, I don't want forever type love.
Yea...that type of love.
Loves Limit,higher than anything one could achieve in love.
Float away with me...to be in love.
There, we'll live happily...all we need is love.
AND, just incase you don't know by now...Baby, I LOVE you.
-Robyn
Loves Limit:
Baby...
I...have a confession,
I love you.
Not just that regular fly by night type love...
Naw.
That, baby I love you with my soul type love.
That, baby I love you only when I ...breathe type love.
That, I dream about you every night when I sleep type love.
Yea...baby, I'm in love with you.
I wanna show you new depths of passion, be the only one you need when you dream of love. On some L.L type shit, yea I'm in need of love.
Not that, only know me when you feel you need it type love.
Not that, every single day I fuckin' hate you type love.
Not that motivated by lust, riddled with lies type love.
Naw baby...Naw.
But that, you could be my personal supply of happiness type love.
Yea, baby...I love you.
I need you to teach me all the secrets that you need in love, help me pave the way to suceed to love.
Not that, only said it to get what I need type love.
But that, planning out our future only wanna be with you type love.
That, kiss you all night while you sleep type love.
That, remind you everyday that you're all I...breathe type love.
Yea...baby, I'm completley IN love with you.
All I want is to know that we'll make it in love. All I need is to reach the impossible through love.
Not that, insecure mediocre I love you because you love me type love.
Not that, selfish ass all about me me me type love.
But that, becoming a better me to work towards US type love.
That...If I can't have forever with you, I don't want forever type love.
Yea...that type of love.
Loves Limit,higher than anything one could achieve in love.
Float away with me...to be in love.
There, we'll live happily...all we need is love.
AND, just incase you don't know by now...Baby, I LOVE you.
-Robyn
Tuesday, November 8
Excuse me, I'm just venting...
Yo.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
One minute I love him, and want nothing more than to have him in my life...no matter the circumstances. But the next minute?...The next minute I hate him. Hate him to his fuckin core.
Really....I should probably talk to him. But I'm tired of expressing emotions. The more emotions I reveal the crazier I become.
Sometimes I convince myself that I can wait. That I can still be regular with him while he's away. While he's away playing his games. "Finding his self", Kicking it with the boys, Fucking hoes...and possibly falling in love again. With someone that isn't me. Someone irrelevant.
I can deal with the hoes. But the love? The person that has his attention there?....is getting to me.
And through it all, I seem like one of those weak ass bitches that I lose respect for. Waiting on something, that might turn out to be nothing. Someone who is with everyone. Telling myself that I just need to branch out. Find a distraction, a distraction like he started as. Find temporary replacement dick...but dick isn't what's keeping me engrossed with this man. & to find a replacement for love?...not something I want to do. Nor am I sure that its even possible at this point.
I love him. With my soul.
Unconditionally.
I hate that he's away. I hate that he left. These few months have felt like a lifetime...how am I supposed to get through this for years and years?
Why the fuck am I waiting?
...especially when I know that this shit will end tragically. But still, in all my logic...hope remains. Hope that he won't make me regret loving him at the end of this.
I'm mad at myself for being here, because I know what I want. I want to be the spotlight. The girlfriend. Even if he's forever away.
I need to leave, but I desperately want to stay.
Smh, silly me. I hate falling in love. Fuck you Cupid.
Tuesday, August 16
Letter to MY {Love}-r:
My tragically gorgeous,
My how things have changed. I remember when we first met. How I didn't really want to be there. I remember my first thoughts."Who the hell flirts by asking if I'm horny because I'm twirling my hair?"...but if you would've asked me back then where I saw us, if I saw an us....'Never' would easily have parted my lips. But somehow you made your way into my bed, inside of me. Made me forget my pain in life. I guess you were my pain killer. When you slipped inside of me...nothing mattered. Life issues disappeared. When you whispered in my ear, all attention was on you. All I felt was pleasure.
I remember wanting you often. Just to take my mind off of things. How selfish I was. Only thinking of me.
I remember that I didn't want you to love me. I didn't want you to be hurt by the monster that lives inside of me. And even if you thought I never took your feelings in consideration, they were always on my mind. Understand ...that at the time I thought it was best to push you away. I thought you'd do better in someone else's life. I didn't need to be loved...because ultimately I knew I would just hurt you. & that was never my goal.
Remember when you told me you loved me. I didn't believe it. I didn't believe that you knew what you were saying...that you didn't KNOW me. So I refused to get caught up in what I thought was just words.
I remember when I walked into Arkansas Hall and saw you with another girl. Looking like you were escorting her from your room. The sharp sting I felt. Remember telling myself to shake it off....not to look phased. It's when I realized that I more than just liked you. More than just wanted to feel you inside of me.
Remember that you came to my room. Pacing. To apologize. How cute I thought it was. Sweet that I meant that much.
But still, I remained a bitch. An asshole. For protection. I didn't have any more pieces of my heart that could risk getting broken. And for that I apologize.(You were always better than him. Even when I couldn't see.)
I still think that night that you came to my room with the 3 movies you rented for us randomly....was the sweetest thing tht anyone has ever done for me. That night it hurt me to turn down your attempts. But, I was still in protection mode.
I didn't want to be just another number to you. I was so afraid to be hurt again, that I didn't allow you to love me. Love me like I needed.
Even when we stop communicating, you worked your way back into my life. Made me realize how deep this really was...how deep this really is. And for that, I thank you. Thank you for your consistency. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to truly fall for you. Well...grow. Grow to the highest form of love I've ever experienced. And even with all of my craziness, thank you for accepting me. As Robyn. Flawed and all. Thank you for being the only person that I can be myself with, comfortably...and completely.
If I could take back my antics, I would in a heartbeat. Blind to your love the first time around...blind to your beauty. If I knew that we were on a time limit, it would've been different. But then again...I guess thats what I was afraid of. Afraid of letting you in, only for you to leave me.
Now that your gone...I need you more than ever. So many words unsaid. So many feelings unshared. Soooo many tears cried...because I don't want it to be goodbye. Not forever.
2208 miles away, and still you consume my thoughts. Holding them hostage. I could look at you all day, without you saying a word...and still be entertained. Kiss you in your sleep for an eternity. Watch you talk, listen to you laugh. Be a part of your silliness. All day every day...and I'd never get bored.
And our sex? It can get no better. The way my body reacts to your touch. Melts from your kisses. Responds to your thrust. Craves for your words. Drips from our passion.
Lover, lover...please stay with me for a lifetime. Stay with my heart, make your home in my soul. I promise never to let you go. Promise for a lifetime. I love you more than all words could express, and know that OUR forever isn't up yet...
Monday, March 21
I know I've been gone, but I need you!
Yo.
First, HELLO to all my lovely followers and fellow bloggers. I've missed you all, dearly. That is a complete understatement. I need to update my blog on my life for almost the past year. Shit, it's been a while. But...Second, this is not a " I'm back" post. It's more of a " I have a slight problem and I rather talk to my blog world and get advice than hear what my friends have to say" post.
I'm IN love. In love with someone I thought I'd never fall for. Not seriously anyway. But I'm here...I've fallen. Well really, I've grown. I've grown in love with him and it feels...wonderful. Grown to love him, flaws and all. Unconditionally. And that is the problem. Let me give a little background.
I met him freshman year. Met him while I was completely IN love with someone else. With the ex. It was after we had broken up, but still had all the relationship benefits. I was hurting, broken when I met him. He made an advance at me, I didn't really care for him. He wasn't my type..and like I said my mind and heart were elsewhere. We chatted, and I let him into my bedroom. Inside of me. It was the first time that I hadn't thought about the ex. So for that reason and that reason alone, I kept letting him inside. In hopes to erase my ex. Terrible reason..but true. During the whole thing I can't say that I treated him like he deserved. I was a bitch{understatement}...and still he was there for me, dealing with me. He deserved better than me at the time. During freshman year, our whole situation got extra messy. I don't have time to even go into it. But let's say other people were in the picture. Some girl loved him, while he loved me, while I loved the ex. Messy, messy situation. Since freshman year we would chat for a while and then I'd tell him I want to be friends. The last time...he said he was done with me. At the time, I found it funny. Then I started to miss him. Contacted him...same back and forth, until recently. Recently he has been back in my life. And recently I've noticed that I don't love him. That instead, I'm in love with him. & I know he loves me. Problem is...I'm not number 1. I'm not the only. And I have a problem with it. I've never settled to be second with anyone..ever. I'm always the girlfriend, not the side. Every guy I've loved in the past, I've been in a relationship with. Serious relationships, getting all of the number one privileges. And this time I'm not. Not that I want a relationship, just to be number one. Because it bothers hurts me to be in any other place. He's the sweetest person. He knows me, more than anyone. He's the only person I've ever been so comfortable with. Sexually, he's the best that's ever done it...and I need desperately for him to make love to me. Love to me like I'm the only. He has a beautiful heart. A heart that I want to belong to me...he already has mine. He told me that he doesn't want me out of his life. But I know him...and he can't give me what I want from him now. So right now, I want to walk away. I feel like I need to walk away. Walk away because everyday my love grows..and I know that I can't just be Number two forever. But I'm constantly reminded that he was my number two before. The difference is, he tried to out beat number 1. & I won't try. Because it would be pointless to try to compete. Not because I think she's better...but I'm sure they have more history. I guess I just need opinions. Should I walk away...or should I be there for him/with him like I want to be, even if it means the only role I play in his future is being the mistress that he's too in love with to let go? " Should I give up...or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere? Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place, should I leave it there?" Opinions are greatly welcomed. I need help, and some direction. It's all emotionally draining. Sorry to come back with all the emotional shit. But I'm lost..and I need some guidance.
Toodles!
First, HELLO to all my lovely followers and fellow bloggers. I've missed you all, dearly. That is a complete understatement. I need to update my blog on my life for almost the past year. Shit, it's been a while. But...Second, this is not a " I'm back" post. It's more of a " I have a slight problem and I rather talk to my blog world and get advice than hear what my friends have to say" post.
I'm IN love. In love with someone I thought I'd never fall for. Not seriously anyway. But I'm here...I've fallen. Well really, I've grown. I've grown in love with him and it feels...wonderful. Grown to love him, flaws and all. Unconditionally. And that is the problem. Let me give a little background.
Toodles!
Monday, April 12
Hello, My name is Random, Bytch :x
Yo.
Writers block is kicking my ass today. I’ve started 5 poems today and have yet to finish one. I was trying to get a late start on participating in poetry month...but clearly that shit just isn’t working out for me. I only write well when something is on my mind bothering me. Or giving me a feeling of complete bliss. And today neither is really going on. Today I am blank as a canvas ready to be painted on. Hmm, reminds me that I haven’t painted in a while. I keep telling myself that I want to paint a picture of my father holding me...but I just can't bring myself to do that...not now. I don’t want a tear drenched painting. I want it to be happy, joyful...and I have a beautiful effect to add to it...whenever I finish it. Well whenever I start it. I painted a total of 3 pictures of the ex. I think I’m going to discard them today...I no longer wish to look at them. They no longer mean anything to me. I should be happy about that but I'm really indifferent. It took an eternity to get over him...and now that I'm finally here...past eternity, what next? Someone new right? But what if I don’t feel like going to someone new either? The fact that I really don’t want anyone in my life right now scares me too. Scares me because I have to wonder have I given up on love so early? What happened to that love obsessed girl...the one who believed in fairytales? The one who dreamed of nothing more than possessing all the love in the world...what happened to her? I want her back.
My mind is drowning in the thoughts of sex. But giving up on celibacy feels like such a huge decision now that I've went so long. Seems like I'd regret it if I gave up just for some reliable mind blowing dick. *sigh*...Mind-blowing, back-breaking, pussy-aching...lovely dick. [Comes back from my building fantasy]...Where was I? Oh yea, celibacy. It's somewhat easy to not really act on impulse because I have to remember that I don’t want to be wanted for my pussy. If we break up and you contact me telling me how much you miss me...and my pussy?...I just don’t wanna hear it. Just miss me...my inner beauty, not how my pussy feels.
Shit, I need a nice trip to Mars. Yes...that would be lovely right now. Make a phone call and have someone deliver me some good. Lol...delivery pharmacist. But I gave that up too...I’m making so many sacrifices...they all better be worth it in the end. I'mtrying to be a better person. Trying to grow...I'm making minimal progress. I recently started reading my bible every day. I was sitting in church wondering why I had never taken the time out to read the whole thing...I mean I read sooo many books for pleasure but haven’t even read half of the bible. A big part of that having to do with all the questions I am left with...all the stuff that I just can't and won’t believe...But that is for a completely different post. A bunch of random shit is running through my mind right now...taking a pit stop to discuss all of them would take forever. Besides...I think I feel like starting my painting now. Toodles.
Writers block is kicking my ass today. I’ve started 5 poems today and have yet to finish one. I was trying to get a late start on participating in poetry month...but clearly that shit just isn’t working out for me. I only write well when something is on my mind bothering me. Or giving me a feeling of complete bliss. And today neither is really going on. Today I am blank as a canvas ready to be painted on. Hmm, reminds me that I haven’t painted in a while. I keep telling myself that I want to paint a picture of my father holding me...but I just can't bring myself to do that...not now. I don’t want a tear drenched painting. I want it to be happy, joyful...and I have a beautiful effect to add to it...whenever I finish it. Well whenever I start it. I painted a total of 3 pictures of the ex. I think I’m going to discard them today...I no longer wish to look at them. They no longer mean anything to me. I should be happy about that but I'm really indifferent. It took an eternity to get over him...and now that I'm finally here...past eternity, what next? Someone new right? But what if I don’t feel like going to someone new either? The fact that I really don’t want anyone in my life right now scares me too. Scares me because I have to wonder have I given up on love so early? What happened to that love obsessed girl...the one who believed in fairytales? The one who dreamed of nothing more than possessing all the love in the world...what happened to her? I want her back.
My mind is drowning in the thoughts of sex. But giving up on celibacy feels like such a huge decision now that I've went so long. Seems like I'd regret it if I gave up just for some reliable mind blowing dick. *sigh*...Mind-blowing, back-breaking, pussy-aching...lovely dick. [Comes back from my building fantasy]...Where was I? Oh yea, celibacy. It's somewhat easy to not really act on impulse because I have to remember that I don’t want to be wanted for my pussy. If we break up and you contact me telling me how much you miss me...and my pussy?...I just don’t wanna hear it. Just miss me...my inner beauty, not how my pussy feels.
Shit, I need a nice trip to Mars. Yes...that would be lovely right now. Make a phone call and have someone deliver me some good. Lol...delivery pharmacist. But I gave that up too...I’m making so many sacrifices...they all better be worth it in the end. I'm
Saturday, April 3
Random: Love?
Yo.
I always discuss how I hate the way guys come to me; trying to converse with me. How it’s unacceptable...and unwanted! The same "type" of guys...the same tired lines. So now I unknowingly walk around looking extra "stuck-up" so that they won’t even attempt to hold a conversation. I've become unapproachable. & for the time being it is fine. But what about when I DO have time for dealing with a relationship and every up and down that comes with it? What about when I think that I have gotten myself together...to be with a man... Will I be able to show them at first glance that I really am a cool down to earth young woman? Will I be able to ever open up to him if he does come in my life....or will I hold on to past failed relations and assume that the next one won’t go any better...like I usually do? Will I sabotage myself...will I be willing to be there for him, and not just have him there for me? Will I be able to show him love? Will I be too scared? Too scared to be hurt again? Will he be scared that I will hurt him? Will he be willing to be with me...fuckups and all? Will I be with him through the same? Will this one last?...
Toodles.
I always discuss how I hate the way guys come to me; trying to converse with me. How it’s unacceptable...and unwanted! The same "type" of guys...the same tired lines. So now I unknowingly walk around looking extra "stuck-up" so that they won’t even attempt to hold a conversation. I've become unapproachable. & for the time being it is fine. But what about when I DO have time for dealing with a relationship and every up and down that comes with it? What about when I think that I have gotten myself together...to be with a man... Will I be able to show them at first glance that I really am a cool down to earth young woman? Will I be able to ever open up to him if he does come in my life....or will I hold on to past failed relations and assume that the next one won’t go any better...like I usually do? Will I sabotage myself...will I be willing to be there for him, and not just have him there for me? Will I be able to show him love? Will I be too scared? Too scared to be hurt again? Will he be scared that I will hurt him? Will he be willing to be with me...fuckups and all? Will I be with him through the same? Will this one last?...
What about when I think I am ready....Will I be truly ready?
"I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing "
-- India.Arie
Toodles.
Friday, March 12
TTYL Daddy:
Yo.
Ok...so my last post totally fucked itself up! ANYWHO....um, I havent really been up on my blog. Going through too much..and now I've lost my father. I'm posting my facebook letter on here...just to subsitute for not posting. Sorry you all. I will be back to my normal posting here soon!
Daddy,
I always wondered how I would feel when this day came…but I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this so soon. I thought I had time…time to rebuild a relationship. When I got the news, everything around me froze. Total silence…As feeling started to rush back into my body, I sat there trying to keep my face dry; trying to appear strong. The tears yelled “Fuck you”, and came down anyway. It was all so surreal. Not now Daddy. Not Now! I never got to say goodbye.
After hearing what took place; what led to your murder… I thought “This all could have been avoided.” But of course Mr. Hot-head can’t keep his words or his hands to himself. I can’t blame the others involved…nor God. I only can blame you Daddy; YOU because you had many opportunities to turn your life around…to get it together. Too many near death situations and still…you didn’t wake up. Same shit new day right Daddy? Well not today Daddy. Today you’re gone…Gone and how do I feel?
Out of my 19 years on this earth, 10 you spent steadily in my life. 10 years of constant memories and then you disappear. Come back in my life momentarily only to disappear again. It’s not enough to know when I graduate, my birthday, and what I was like as a child. It’s not enough, Daddy. You wondered why I never really talked to you as I got older. Well…I couldn’t deal with having a daddy that loves me when it’s convenient for him. Loves me enough to stay in life for a month or two and disappear for a year. Each time getting my hopes up high thinking maybe you would stay for the long run. Daddy…I just couldn’t deal with you being less than part-time.
All I have to go by is the man I knew when I was a child…the man I adored. How hard you fought to stay in my life when my mother was so insistent on having you out. How much you went out of your way slipping money under the door, leaving toys on the porch. Coming by on Sundays and taking us to the park, out to get pizza, and all the junk food a child could ask for. Always smiling and joking..playing and laughing. Loving…like a father should be. I missed that…and sometimes wished I could have pressed rewind. Pressed rewind to when giving up was not in your vocabulary when it came to being there for me and Ilysha. When did it become easier to walk away Daddy?
Tears flood from my eyes because I never got to show you that under all the bitterness I loved you…more than you could ever imagine. I didn’t want you to leave without knowing that I cared Daddy. I wanted to be at the hospital to keep you company in your last hours. I needed to hear you tell me not to worry…that everything was going to be fine. But I didn’t. You left me. How am I supposed to feel? What about me Daddy...What about me?
All I know is wherever you are it has to be better than here for you. It has to be less stressful, less hard on you. You have to be happier. And now….I can finally reach you whenever I need you. God needed you. I needed you. Now, I finally have you…In my life where you belong. No more running away. No more fear. No more worrying about you. I love you Daddy! Until next time…[Muah]!
Ok..TOODLES!
Ok...so my last post totally fucked itself up! ANYWHO....um, I havent really been up on my blog. Going through too much..and now I've lost my father. I'm posting my facebook letter on here...just to subsitute for not posting. Sorry you all. I will be back to my normal posting here soon!
I always wondered how I would feel when this day came…but I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this so soon. I thought I had time…time to rebuild a relationship. When I got the news, everything around me froze. Total silence…As feeling started to rush back into my body, I sat there trying to keep my face dry; trying to appear strong. The tears yelled “Fuck you”, and came down anyway. It was all so surreal. Not now Daddy. Not Now! I never got to say goodbye.
After hearing what took place; what led to your murder… I thought “This all could have been avoided.” But of course Mr. Hot-head can’t keep his words or his hands to himself. I can’t blame the others involved…nor God. I only can blame you Daddy; YOU because you had many opportunities to turn your life around…to get it together. Too many near death situations and still…you didn’t wake up. Same shit new day right Daddy? Well not today Daddy. Today you’re gone…Gone and how do I feel?
Out of my 19 years on this earth, 10 you spent steadily in my life. 10 years of constant memories and then you disappear. Come back in my life momentarily only to disappear again. It’s not enough to know when I graduate, my birthday, and what I was like as a child. It’s not enough, Daddy. You wondered why I never really talked to you as I got older. Well…I couldn’t deal with having a daddy that loves me when it’s convenient for him. Loves me enough to stay in life for a month or two and disappear for a year. Each time getting my hopes up high thinking maybe you would stay for the long run. Daddy…I just couldn’t deal with you being less than part-time.
All I have to go by is the man I knew when I was a child…the man I adored. How hard you fought to stay in my life when my mother was so insistent on having you out. How much you went out of your way slipping money under the door, leaving toys on the porch. Coming by on Sundays and taking us to the park, out to get pizza, and all the junk food a child could ask for. Always smiling and joking..playing and laughing. Loving…like a father should be. I missed that…and sometimes wished I could have pressed rewind. Pressed rewind to when giving up was not in your vocabulary when it came to being there for me and Ilysha. When did it become easier to walk away Daddy?
Tears flood from my eyes because I never got to show you that under all the bitterness I loved you…more than you could ever imagine. I didn’t want you to leave without knowing that I cared Daddy. I wanted to be at the hospital to keep you company in your last hours. I needed to hear you tell me not to worry…that everything was going to be fine. But I didn’t. You left me. How am I supposed to feel? What about me Daddy...What about me?
All I know is wherever you are it has to be better than here for you. It has to be less stressful, less hard on you. You have to be happier. And now….I can finally reach you whenever I need you. God needed you. I needed you. Now, I finally have you…In my life where you belong. No more running away. No more fear. No more worrying about you. I love you Daddy! Until next time…[Muah]!
Ok..TOODLES!
Friday, February 19
Just one of those days...
Yo.
I've been writting full blogs for the past week and just cant make myself push the publish button. One reason and one reason only; they have all been about the same thing, the same person. Valentines Day someone contacted me.[Mind you Valentines Day marked our exact one year mark since our last date, since our last...everything.]
During the conversation he threw in " I miss you". An " I miss you" that I just didnt need to hear. I wrote so many letters, wrote all my existing feelings..wrote out all my fantasies that came about from our chatting. I have let it seriously fuck with my mind for the last week. I rather not go into complete detail over the short conversation because I want his words to be kept to myself. I love him....I truley love him from the bottom of my heart but I can not have him. CAN NOT and no matter what i say or do their is nothing I can do to change that. It's best that I keep my sanity and not contact him. But I miss him...I miss everything about him. But I'm sure life will work itself out for the best. Being left alone with my thoughts helped me to realize that maybe....we arent the best fit. Maybe we arent the best couple. He was not meant to marry me...He was not THE one. BUT, I will never truley be over him until I find someone who takes my thoughts about him away. Until he is just a far memory that comes up every once and a while...not everyday. [*sigh*] Why do I still care about him? Why can't our memories just dissapear?! [No reason to respond..]
During the conversation he threw in " I miss you". An " I miss you" that I just didnt need to hear. I wrote so many letters, wrote all my existing feelings..wrote out all my fantasies that came about from our chatting. I have let it seriously fuck with my mind for the last week. I rather not go into complete detail over the short conversation because I want his words to be kept to myself. I love him....I truley love him from the bottom of my heart but I can not have him. CAN NOT and no matter what i say or do their is nothing I can do to change that. It's best that I keep my sanity and not contact him. But I miss him...I miss everything about him. But I'm sure life will work itself out for the best. Being left alone with my thoughts helped me to realize that maybe....we arent the best fit. Maybe we arent the best couple. He was not meant to marry me...He was not THE one. BUT, I will never truley be over him until I find someone who takes my thoughts about him away. Until he is just a far memory that comes up every once and a while...not everyday. [*sigh*] Why do I still care about him? Why can't our memories just dissapear?! [No reason to respond..]
Tuesday, January 26
Dear Mother:
Yo.
We interrupt your normal program to bring you:
So I've been going through a few things...and my mother has been helping me cope. If you know me and my mothers past relationship it would be a shock. Our relationship only got better when i went away to college. Even then it was good every once and a while. Well today I woke up to a text message from her :
[Good morning baby. I know you’re having a hard time 2. I’m here 4 u. We will get thru this. Hope you have a better day. I love you. From now on I will be uplifting and more understanding. I get so raveled up in my own problems that I act like yall don’t have problems, worries, or pain and I’m SO SORRY FOR THAT! From this day forward I am going to be more understanding of yall concerns. I can’t take back the years I lacked but you make sure it doesn’t happen again. I promise. I love you more than words can say. We will get through this, just don’t worry yourself.]
--------mind you we have never been the family to speak openely on mushy gushy feelings. No hugging, no kissing, we dont even say i love you regularly...because we know its there and doesnt need to be said.
She really has made my day! So to her....
Dear Mother:
Let me start by saying...I LOVE YOU! I know we have had our down times. Times when you’re yelling feels like its suffocating me. Times when you didn’t want me near you. Times…times when things were just horrible. But know that through every and anything I love you more than I could ever show.I depend so much on you some might think it’s ridiculous. You’ve spoiled me to be this way and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even when you disapprove of everything I do, I love you. If anything ever happened to you I don’t know where I’d be. I don’t know if I could stay here...on this earth. Now I am going through what seems like the hardest time of my life so far and you are right here by my side...as you always are when things outside of our relationship get tough. You are the only person keeping me sane right now and if you only knew how much that truly meant to me. When I can’t see the sun shining you grab my hand and lead me there. You have been understanding through this whole process and please continue to bear with me. I could never ask nor need a better mother than you. Granted we have our issues; we might not agree 98% of the time…but we cannot be perfect. Thanks for every sacrifice you have ever made for me. It took a little maturing to see how much you’ve worked for me and my sisters. Being a single mother is never easy...and believe I appreciate it. You are my hero; my idol. I want to be able to provide and do for my child when that day comes as you have always done for me and my sisters. You would give your last for me and know that I would do the same. I am and will always be available for you whenever you need me. KNOW that! I love you!
Ok...now back to your normal scheduled program! Toodles! :)
We interrupt your normal program to bring you:
So I've been going through a few things...and my mother has been helping me cope. If you know me and my mothers past relationship it would be a shock. Our relationship only got better when i went away to college. Even then it was good every once and a while. Well today I woke up to a text message from her :
[Good morning baby. I know you’re having a hard time 2. I’m here 4 u. We will get thru this. Hope you have a better day. I love you. From now on I will be uplifting and more understanding. I get so raveled up in my own problems that I act like yall don’t have problems, worries, or pain and I’m SO SORRY FOR THAT! From this day forward I am going to be more understanding of yall concerns. I can’t take back the years I lacked but you make sure it doesn’t happen again. I promise. I love you more than words can say. We will get through this, just don’t worry yourself.]
--------mind you we have never been the family to speak openely on mushy gushy feelings. No hugging, no kissing, we dont even say i love you regularly...because we know its there and doesnt need to be said.
She really has made my day! So to her....
Dear Mother:
Let me start by saying...I LOVE YOU! I know we have had our down times. Times when you’re yelling feels like its suffocating me. Times when you didn’t want me near you. Times…times when things were just horrible. But know that through every and anything I love you more than I could ever show.I depend so much on you some might think it’s ridiculous. You’ve spoiled me to be this way and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even when you disapprove of everything I do, I love you. If anything ever happened to you I don’t know where I’d be. I don’t know if I could stay here...on this earth. Now I am going through what seems like the hardest time of my life so far and you are right here by my side...as you always are when things outside of our relationship get tough. You are the only person keeping me sane right now and if you only knew how much that truly meant to me. When I can’t see the sun shining you grab my hand and lead me there. You have been understanding through this whole process and please continue to bear with me. I could never ask nor need a better mother than you. Granted we have our issues; we might not agree 98% of the time…but we cannot be perfect. Thanks for every sacrifice you have ever made for me. It took a little maturing to see how much you’ve worked for me and my sisters. Being a single mother is never easy...and believe I appreciate it. You are my hero; my idol. I want to be able to provide and do for my child when that day comes as you have always done for me and my sisters. You would give your last for me and know that I would do the same. I am and will always be available for you whenever you need me. KNOW that! I love you!
With sooo much love,
Robyn
Ok...now back to your normal scheduled program! Toodles! :)
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