They pretty much adore me :)

Friday, March 12

TTYL Daddy:

Yo.
Ok...so my last post totally fucked itself up! ANYWHO....um, I havent really been up on my blog. Going through too much..and now I've lost my father. I'm posting my facebook letter on here...just to subsitute for not posting. Sorry you all. I will be back to my normal posting here soon!

Daddy,


I always wondered how I would feel when this day came…but I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this so soon. I thought I had time…time to rebuild a relationship. When I got the news, everything around me froze. Total silence…As feeling started to rush back into my body, I sat there trying to keep my face dry; trying to appear strong. The tears yelled “Fuck you”, and came down anyway. It was all so surreal. Not now Daddy. Not Now! I never got to say goodbye.

After hearing what took place; what led to your murder… I thought “This all could have been avoided.” But of course Mr. Hot-head can’t keep his words or his hands to himself. I can’t blame the others involved…nor God. I only can blame you Daddy; YOU because you had many opportunities to turn your life around…to get it together. Too many near death situations and still…you didn’t wake up. Same shit new day right Daddy? Well not today Daddy. Today you’re gone…Gone and how do I feel?

Out of my 19 years on this earth, 10 you spent steadily in my life. 10 years of constant memories and then you disappear. Come back in my life momentarily only to disappear again. It’s not enough to know when I graduate, my birthday, and what I was like as a child. It’s not enough, Daddy. You wondered why I never really talked to you as I got older. Well…I couldn’t deal with having a daddy that loves me when it’s convenient for him. Loves me enough to stay in life for a month or two and disappear for a year. Each time getting my hopes up high thinking maybe you would stay for the long run. Daddy…I just couldn’t deal with you being less than part-time.

All I have to go by is the man I knew when I was a child…the man I adored. How hard you fought to stay in my life when my mother was so insistent on having you out. How much you went out of your way slipping money under the door, leaving toys on the porch. Coming by on Sundays and taking us to the park, out to get pizza, and all the junk food a child could ask for. Always smiling and joking..playing and laughing. Loving…like a father should be. I missed that…and sometimes wished I could have pressed rewind. Pressed rewind to when giving up was not in your vocabulary when it came to being there for me and Ilysha. When did it become easier to walk away Daddy?

Tears flood from my eyes because I never got to show you that under all the bitterness I loved you…more than you could ever imagine. I didn’t want you to leave without knowing that I cared Daddy. I wanted to be at the hospital to keep you company in your last hours. I needed to hear you tell me not to worry…that everything was going to be fine. But I didn’t. You left me. How am I supposed to feel? What about me Daddy...What about me?

All I know is wherever you are it has to be better than here for you. It has to be less stressful, less hard on you. You have to be happier. And now….I can finally reach you whenever I need you. God needed you. I needed you. Now, I finally have you…In my life where you belong. No more running away. No more fear. No more worrying about you. I love you Daddy! Until next time…[Muah]!

Ok..TOODLES!

13 comments:

The Invisible Seductress said...

not a lot to say..just wiping a tear and sending a hug!

Shay said...

My heart goes out to you girl ! Im sorry about your loss . Keep your head up :)

F said...

You write really beautifully, I guess cos it came from such an emotional place. I don't know what it is like to lose a parent so I cannot comfort you as well as God can. With time, I hope He will help you get through this. Things may not get better immediately but they will gradually. Hang in there.

Ro said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I wasn't able to read the entire letter......my heart can't take it for so many reasons. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Ro

Tokyo.Diamond said...

I'm sooo sorry for your loss. I don't know what it's like to loose a father but I know what it's like to loose a family member. So much pain. Just know he is in GODs hands now. He is looking down on you. My prays goes out to you & your whole family. Keep your head up & stay strong.

Mz. More said...

My condolences to you and your family. So sorry for your loss. Keep your head up ma!

☆Reese said...

I can totally relate to what you said about your feelings toward your father. I'm sending my love and prayers to you and a few tears that found their way down my face.
Love you girl!

xxxx said...

wow... im speechless

Buddy said...

Havent been on ere for a whiiile...
Sorry to hear about your loss hun, Keep yo head up !

Buddy

.cris. said...

sorry about your loss sweetie ; you & your family are in my prayers
xx

BabydollNa said...

Sorry to hear about ur loss... i kno how it feels to lose a parent...

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JStar said...

I am soooo sorry for your loss...I know it feels like unfinished business...My relationship with my father as a child was like yalls when you were older...I NEVER had the father I wanted, so I feel your pain all tooo well! Then as a teenager he came around and I ended up moving in with him for a lil bit...finding out my father was a pervert....It could have gone farther but I got out before...and never spoke to him since..I was 13...I dont know if he is dead or alive....but even after all that...I still love my father...and wish he could have been the father I needed...from there I looked for the love I wanted from my daddy in men...and they couldnt give me what I needed...

I hope you can get past this...and can move on from here...I wish I could give advice on how to do so but this subject is still sensitive for me