Acceptance...

Hello again,

Today, I'm sane. Completly sane. Not overly emotional. Not mad. Not pissed. Not sad. Just at ease.

I think I've finally accepted where we are. What he has been saying to me.

When my friends constantly complain about their men problems I'm always the first to tell them not to take the mans words and twist them into what you think he means deep down inside. Or in other words, change them into what you really want to hear. I've been doing that for about a year now. That never works out.

He's been telling me he needs space. Needs time to enjoy the world. Something that is hard for me to understand because his actions show the complete opposite. Him encouraging me not to get a job, him providing a business for me, him providing EVERYthing for me...makes his words null and void for me, usually. Telling me how he likes taking care of me. How I only need to cook, clean, and work on the business. But since the whole Facebook stunt, I think it has finally registered. In 4 years he has never posted anything about me on his page. He does not comment/like any of my pictures, but is always watching. Which is cool. Meanwhile, he's always my cover photo...any and everyone who comes to my page can see that I am in a relationship and see who with. His? You'd think he was single. He barely posts, so I never had a problem with it because he is private. But for the first thing he posts (besides a birthday post) to be negative? Out of all the positive I've done in these last 4 years is mind-boggling. Like I said in the last post, it's a game changer.

No matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough for him. New meaning has been given to that. And unlike the first few hundred times I've said that, I feel it in my soul this go round. He feels the same way about me. I know that statement to be true. It does not affect me at this point. It just tells me I need to quit. Really quit.  I could go down a list of shit I've done for him that I never have for anyone, but why does it matter? I did it all out of love, nothing else. So no reason to bring it up now. Just know, I am not your average 20 something year old. I'm on a different playing field, and to have someone so blind that they don't see it? You can't force someone to see you for who you are. If they see you like everyone else, and easily disposable...dispose of yourself.

Those are the words I need to live by. Stop fighting to prove my worth. Because it shines bright in everything I do.

Despite the way it sounds, I'm feeling invincible. I feel like a new door has been open with endless possibilities. For the first time, starting over doesn't feel like a death sentence for me. It doesn't make my heart speed to dangerous speeds. It doesn't make my eyes water. It  doesn't have me all sweaty. I'm not damn near balled in a corner praying for strength. I'm not having to talk myself out of a panic attack. Or a killing spree. I am at ease.

It may be just for today, but this is what I will need to get through this. This needs to be my everyday mood until I walk away for good.

I'm thankful for this process. The good and the bad.

Indentity Crisis

Hello,
It's been a while. A LONG while.

This week I've been forced to take a good look at myself and really evaluate things in my life. Understand and decide where exactly I want to go in life. Today, those thoughts led me to this blog. My very first blog. The most personal. The only one I keep having the urge to continue.
Circling back and looking over all my old posts shows me how much growth I have made in my life, and where I am standing still. There are places that I should've grown, where I haven't...and places where I've excelled in growth. It's good to have all of this here...to remind me of the old version of myself and how I am slowly, but steadily, improving.

I've been through so much, I can't believe I stopped writing. I wish I had it all documented. I wish I had all those memories stored here. But maybe, it's for the best that I don't. Maybe I can delete them from my memory and be thankful that there is no evidence to remind me of such a hard time in my life. I used to write my opinion on things I'd never been through. What I thought I'd accept, what I thought I wouldn't. All of that has changed. I have changed.

Life has a way of humbling us all when we get beside ourselves. When we start to think that we are too good for certain situations, life throws a curve ball and laughs as we try to dodge it. I didn't come here to talk about any of that though.

My current relationship (4 years) has exposed so many of my flaws. SO much so, that I am convinced that I have mental issues. I don't know where to go, who to talk to anymore about it. I know that my boyfriend is tired of dealing with me. Unsure of what Robyn he will wake up to. Unsure if it's the one that loves him or hates him. I'm tired of dealing with her (me).

She is insecure. She has a hard time trusting. She is possessive. She has separation issues. She has anxiety issues. She has a sense of entitlement from the world. She is extremely emotionally unstable. She is selfish. She is lazy. She isn't goal-oriented. She needs someone to uplift her every single day. She will not return the favor. She doesn't cherish the good, and dwells on the bad. She feels alone. No one will ever understand her. She is at her height of insanity.

I don't know her anymore. She is a stranger.

I want her to leave. As quickly as possible. She is ruining me.

Lately, I haven't been feeling it...

The feelings that I once had seem as if they are withering away.
Feelings that seem so recent...that seem so fresh,
withering away like a dying rose.
But just as the rose, the love is still beautiful...even while withering.

As I sit here re-reading all the things I felt, I fell...
they begin to sound unfamiliar.
The love I described for him...
can it be leaving so soon?
Communication has died...
and in came someone new.
Someone to distract me...
someone else to admire me, flaws and all.
Like HE used to.

What is this love that I have approached?
An unexpected twist.
What happened to those feelings of forever?
What happened to our bond?

I love him, still...
with every breath I take I still do love him.
But is it the same?
Is it the love where all I can imagine is being with him?
Is he the first and last person on my mind every day?
Is he my fairytale ending?
No.
No, he is not.

& how do I feel about it?
That...that is where I am lost.
Lost for words.
I can't believe that in a few months...
I have given up.
Given up on US.


Almost replaced those beautiful dreams with someone else.
Dreams that I wanted so bad to come true.
Even while withering,
I will not throw him away.
I will not give up on him, as a person.

But sometimes...
Sometimes, I wish I could remove the rest of the feelings.
Because now, all love is clouded by confusion.
My mind tells me to just mark him off as yet another failed attempt at love.
But my heart?
My heart...is screaming, screaming and fighting to never let him go.
The heart is blind, it knows not of his flaws.
It knows not of our dilemma...
All it knows is what it feels when he's in the picture.
Better than anything or any person has ever made it feel.
Blind to the foolishness, holding on so tight.
But my mind...
My mind knows better.
Knows that logically...he should have been erased.
Knows that I deserve better.

But what do I listen to...what should I trust to lead me?
The age old question- do I go with my heart or my mind?

Again, I'm awaken from a beautiful dream...

Sometimes when I wake up,
I wish I hadn't.

I wish that God would have spared me...and just let me live in the dream.
In my beautiful dreams of perfection.

Sometimes...I just don't want to be here.

Sad right?
Yea, I know.
I never really confess that to anyone.

Never really talk about what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling that way.

But today?
Today, I will.

I feel stuck.
Like I'm drowning in this point of my life.
Like I'm at a stand still...
like my dreams will never come true.

I remember this beautiful life plan that I made when I was in elementary.
One that consists of an awesome career, an amazing husband, beautiful and healthy children,...all living in the home of my dreams happily ever after.
A life plan that has never changed.
A life plan that I thought would be easy to achieve.
I guess I used to think just because I said it, it would happen.
Just because it's what I've wanted since forever...that it would be given to me.
I never worried about what if it doesn't happen.
What if I don't make it in the career field I've dreamed of?
What if I never meet that awesome man?
....

What starts to happen when your dreams fall apart?

Here I am, in college...
Still working towards those dreams.
But more and more they begin to seem unrealistic.
Like I'll never achieve them.

In my mind, I'm not trying hard enough.
But how hard can you really try in Arkansas.
What would I be able to do with my journalism degree here?
Nothing...well nothing that would fit in to my dream career.
So, here?
Here...I am miserable.
Each and every day.

But I wake up, and smile.
Dress up. Attend class.
Pretend...that everything is peachy.
When, for the most part, I feel stuck.
And I hate it.

As soon as my funds are right, I'll be on the first plane out of this place.

But then I get this scary thought,
What if it isn't just Arkansas that makes me feel like this?

What if it's deeper?
Man...I pray that it's just this place, this city, this state.

I refuse to end up like everyone else here.
Settling.
I just refuse.