It's been a while. A LONG while.
This week I've been forced to take a good look at myself and really evaluate things in my life. Understand and decide where exactly I want to go in life. Today, those thoughts led me to this blog. My very first blog. The most personal. The only one I keep having the urge to continue.
Circling back and looking over all my old posts shows me how much growth I have made in my life, and where I am standing still. There are places that I should've grown, where I haven't...and places where I've excelled in growth. It's good to have all of this here...to remind me of the old version of myself and how I am slowly, but steadily, improving.
I've been through so much, I can't believe I stopped writing. I wish I had it all documented. I wish I had all those memories stored here. But maybe, it's for the best that I don't. Maybe I can delete them from my memory and be thankful that there is no evidence to remind me of such a hard time in my life. I used to write my opinion on things I'd never been through. What I thought I'd accept, what I thought I wouldn't. All of that has changed. I have changed.
Life has a way of humbling us all when we get beside ourselves. When we start to think that we are too good for certain situations, life throws a curve ball and laughs as we try to dodge it. I didn't come here to talk about any of that though.
My current relationship (4 years) has exposed so many of my flaws. SO much so, that I am convinced that I have mental issues. I don't know where to go, who to talk to anymore about it. I know that my boyfriend is tired of dealing with me. Unsure of what Robyn he will wake up to. Unsure if it's the one that loves him or hates him. I'm tired of dealing with her (me).
She is insecure. She has a hard time trusting. She is possessive. She has separation issues. She has anxiety issues. She has a sense of entitlement from the world. She is extremely emotionally unstable. She is selfish. She is lazy. She isn't goal-oriented. She needs someone to uplift her every single day. She will not return the favor. She doesn't cherish the good, and dwells on the bad. She feels alone. No one will ever understand her. She is at her height of insanity.
I don't know her anymore. She is a stranger.
I want her to leave. As quickly as possible. She is ruining me.