They pretty much adore me :)

Wednesday, October 26

Lost love, again

Hello again,

 This is my outlet. The place I come with all my fears. Right now? I fear that my relationship has finally come to an end. After almost 5 years, I fear that we can not fix this. We've been through so much. I've been through so much. Maybe too much. 

Even still, I am here with full armour fighting to the death. Fighting to the death. One of us must die for the fight to end. And I think that person is me. I think I have to let my love die in order to move on.

I dont want to move on. I don't want any one else.
I thought this was my one.
I thought I'd finally found my forever.

But my forever, is tired of her. 
Not because she is impossible to deal with (although she can be), but because he has his own equally prominent mental issues...and that can take a toll on anyone. Having to deal with her and him, I don't know where I stand.

I love him. With every cell in my body. I love him like nothing else in this world. I love him like he is a part of me. Like he came from me. I can't properly express the depth. It's endless. Bottomless. Unconditional. Irreplaceable.

We've been arguing a lot over nonsense.
Yesterday was probably the worst case of nothing escalating into something in a matter of seconds.

But removing my feelings from the situation, I understand where he was coming from. I should've been more mindful. Less worried about being rude to a stranger and more focused on supporting him. I thought I was doing that by being there. Miscommunication and misunderstanding, as always.

She came out yesterday, despite my efforts of tightly gripping my sanity. He did not convey his message well. He tried conveying it by control. By belittling me. That is the quickest way to get her to come out. And once she's out, there is no stopping her. She showed her ass last night. And there is no erasing her behavior.

Who is understanding when you try to apologize after having a complete meltdown? Almost no one.

In the last week, I've been extra careful in how I react to situations. I have been practicing control, and as hard as it is at times, its been successful. But being told how little I do/am incites rage. A rage I can never stop. Only because I go out of my way for him. As he does for me. I am the one that has been there more than anyone else. I am the one he can depend on in times of bad situations. NO one else, but me. Yesterday, it was worse. Worse because he decided to post to my wall. He wrote how crazy I was being, how out of control I was, how he didn't want me in his home, and begging anyone to come pick me up. I am very private on social media. He is more private than me. We have never gone to social media with any of our past problems.

That was a breaking point. The game-changer. That's when she came out in her rarest form.

I was wrong. He was wrong. But no apologies have been given, and I doubt they will be.

I don't think I'll ever date another Cancer after this. We have too many of the same issues.

I fear that my relationship has come to an end, and I am in no way capable of dealing with the aftermath. *sigh*

No comments: