I'm back....again. (But forreal this time)

Yo.

So, If your here you probably notice the new changes. I've finally gotten the time to change my blog. And why exactly? Because I actually plan on blogging on it again.

I have a lot to say. And blogging is like an online journal. Helping me keep track of my progress through life.

Any who...hello to the followers who are actually still blogging...and those who come to check on me occasionally.

What's going on now?
School has started for the semester.

I'm SO over school. And my slacking has bought me another year, I would be graduating in May if I stayed on my shit. *shrugs*...I will be out of here soon enough though.

I need to find a job. I have a lot of bad habits that need to be supported. Smoking, drinking, weave, hair colors, shoes, and clothing....!I'm in my "finding my style" phase of my life...and I have SOOO much that I want to try. This should be fun.
Oh.....& there is someone new in my life too!

Finally.
His name?
For the sake of my personal creepers we'll call him....Gregory. (I think that's his middle name)
And the lover that moved to Portland, we'll refer to him as Xavier.
As not to get the two confused.

So the new guy?
He's pretty cool.
Funny as fuck, handsome, older (25), can hold a bomb ass conversation, entertains the fuck out of me,....ohhh and he's nasty. Filthy really. All positive things.
He asked me to be his girl.

I haven't been in a relationship since the ex. Yes, the ex I used to discuss when I first started this blog in 09. SO, it's been a while. BUT, I actually wouldn't mind getting into this. We've only talked for about a month....but we vibe so well together. He's a Cancer. My last two serious loves were Cancers (like myself)....I swear those make the craziest relationships. I had sworn off of male Cancers...but for some reason they seem to be the only ones to "catch me". Everything feels so good with him...

Problem though.
I miss the lover, incredibly.
Miss him more than I could ever begin to express.

Man.
So much that subconsciously I'm sabotaging what could be with the next.
I guess the details on that situation can be saved for a separate post though.

Man, I have so much to discuss.
Happy to be back on blogger, Tumblr lacks substance. (But it it addicting as fuck.)
Feel free to follow me there too. Links on the sidebar somewhere.

Even when no one is reading, this blog will forever be my favorite.

-Muah

Does fakeness come with friendship?.....

Yo.
Today just brought a little more stress into my life. But I don’t really feel like discussing that until the shit gets better. [Hmmm, I have a way of avoiding my problems until their punching me in the face--then I have to deal with them.]

Anywho today I was chatting with an associate. She was talking about how she was going to hang out with her "friends"...but she didn’t want to go because she only actually likes 3 out of the 9 girls. From the outside they all seem like best friends. When we were talking it reminded me soooo much of my "friends." During high school, we had 7 girls in our "clique"...girls that all seemed like best friends on the outside. At one point we were all one big happy group. I guess? Well let’s put it like this...I didn’t have any dislikes for either of the girls at one point. If you ask me the selection was all over the place. Our personalities are SO different. We had the antisocial psychopath [Ally :)], the creepy lame as hell heartless (at the time) bitch [Reem :)], the stupid (stupid is an understatement) love struck stuck up girl, the one I never really knew--weird and corny girl, the CORNIEST reserved lame also love struck girl, the loud--- ghetto [lol] shit-talking bully, and me [the bitch who doesn’t know how to hold back her opinion also called the "whore".] We also had an addition to the "clique" somewhere during those 4 years...the quiet nerd who transformed into whoever you wanted her to be. But we all hung together, ate lunch together...and all that good shit. If I didn’t attend a party and someone saw my "friends" at the party they'd always ask "why weren’t you with yo girls Saturday."And I'm like "We aint gotta do everything together, damn." I mean some people really thought we were closer than what we really were. Our group was full of fakeness. The thing that probably bothers me most in friendship groups [or maybe it was just mine] is when you tell one friend something in private…by the next day the whole "clique" knows. Knowing damn well you didn’t want the others to even know that business....it happened ALL the time. I swear it was no secrets in that group...even if they didn’t know everyone knew the biz. Smh. anyway...high school happened; High school meaning drama. People stopped liking people, got into it with people, start spreading rumors and some other nonsense, just different drama inside the "group"...causing the group to break into different parts. I myself have gotten into it with all of them except...2, mostly for not being able to hold my opinion in my mind. Anyway…

Where is the clique now? Well we are divided into 4 different colleges. 2 at my new college, 3 at my old college, 1 in our hometown,And 1 in St.Louis. The two that I attend school with are cool, one is even my cousin...but since I never really talked to them about the most personal things it seems like we’re just associates. The ones at my old college are Ally & Reem [my best friends] and another girl who was on my bf list until earlier this year. Wanna know why were not besties anymore?! Well, blame it on me...always! Can't ever keep my thoughts to myself.[sarcasm mixed with truth…and childishness to the extreme] Anywho...they still throw a few "clique" gatherings every now and then. Why? Well I have no clue. No clue at all...I mean when we go it's so separated that it seems pointless. I mean I know out of the group everyone has someone they don’t like or they don’t like being around. And every time we all meet it just seems like a bunch of fakeness. People who don’t really like each other communicating for the sake of...well just for the hell of it I guess. In high school we were all hanging together even when everyone had their problems. We’ve all grown, I personally don’t "dislike" anyone anymore...I just don’t like being around some. Childish? Maybe...but I’m not really the one for all that fakeness...! If I don’t care for you I’m not gone hang around you...simple as that. Do you grow out of some friendships? How can you be friends with someone but when the friendship ends you can’t find one reason that ya'll were friends in the first place...other than it was convenient?
In the dictionary the definition of a friend is listed as:

1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteem b: acquaintance
2 a: one that is not hostile b: one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4: a favored companion

One that is not hostile? How did that make the cut?! Someone told me I didn’t have real friends just a bunch of acquaintances and I thought...besides my two best friends he is pretty much right. Acquaintances close enough to be disguised as friends. Females are messy. No correction, PEOPLE are messy. I don’t like messy. Ughhh, this confuses me. What is a friend? What qualities should true friends have? Has your "clique" narrowed down to one or two people? Are you not supposed to be real with friends? Are you supposed to hold back your opinion to spare feelings? Ughhh...this post has left me with way to many questions. Way too many. [Lol, so my best friends just called me from Mars...again, oh how I miss them]

[Subtract 2 of these girls and this is all of them senior year! Im missing the addition to the group, I think thats the one you cant see though, in the back. :)]

Anywho I’m sure you've noticed that I now have a playlist! It's the MOST random playlist in the world. I just added the “because I got high” song for the besties. Lol, it’s even has a gospel and a country song thrown in there. 2 of my favorite older songs are left off...they didn’t have them :(! [Superwoman-Karyn white & Congratulations-Vesta Williams] It has way too many songs, but it'll give a variety for when ya'll visit my page. Lol! Ok, give me your thoughts on how friendships should be. Ughhh...my bestfriends stupid asses JUST hacked into my facebook profile.Wtf? My privacy has been invaded, Im sooo drove right now...Ughh, Toodles!

Getting to know little ole ME!

Yo.

So today I'm going to do a post about little things in my life...getting to know me a little more. [It has a lot of photos randomly thrown in , sorry! :)]Right now I’m on the phone with my best friend, Reem. She's what we call "on mars"! She is past gone, and she is holding me hostage on the phone. Seriously! She isn’t talking about shit really. But since I'm a "good friend" I'll stay on the phone with her high ass. The weekend is almost here...Yes! I get to go home and do a little shopping...and guess whose paying? My Mother! Yahhh :D! I love shopping more when it's not my money!

[Me, Mommy, & Ilysha-my sis-]

I TOTALLY hate school right now. Like...that’s really an understatement. I hate these people. I hate being around them. I hate that they don’t have daily events like my first college had. I hate that my best friends [Ally& Reem] are sooo far away from me. I miss them. I never realized what good times we had freshman year until now. They kept me sane and laughing. I left them to come here to be closer to home and so far that’s the only positive. I hate Arkansas in general. [Ok, so we been on the phone for an hour and she just rambling about shit...yall stay away from drugs--! :)] I'm thinking about moving to Texas next year. REALLY considering. Change schools [again], find an apartment, and other things I'd have to do to get myself prepared for the move over the summer. Arkansas is just not where I want to be in my future. The ONLY factor is my family; I can't live without them--and so far away is basically being without them.
My Bestfriends and I:

[Me and Reem- I love this girl! :)]

[Me & Ally- I love this girl too! :)]

[From last halloween, we dont hv many pics of ALL of us together. Sad right?.]

So today my ex texted me. I haven’t heard from nor contacted him since the beginning of September. And all of a sudden he texts me today. It was an innocent text. "I saw your mom."[Mind you he saw her like 2-3 weeks ago but thought he should text me today to tell me.] Of course I already knew that, I was with her. No he didn’t see me and I wasn’t going to go out of my way to speak to him. I mean for what? We haven’t talked which clearly means we don’t really have shit to say. Anywho when I received the text I was kinda shocked to see his number go across the screen. But for the first time EVER, I didn’t have a rush of emotions fill my heart. Memories didn’t try to cram themselves to the front of my mind, didn’t try to find the/an underlying reason for him texting me...for the first time my reaction was normal. And, IM HAPPY! It means that I've FINALLY made progress, that I've finally at least taken one step. :)! -It's been a long time coming-! [This girl just randomly blurted out "Whoop Whoop" in the middle of our conversation.] What else is there to say? Hmmm...Um, well I was talking to a few guys...well not really "talking to them" just holding conversations with them. Yes it’s a difference. When I'm "talking" to someone that means I'm trying to get to know them as well as them trying to get to know them rather than just having pointless conversations where they are trying to get to know me but I'm not really fucked up about anything they have to say..At all. Yeah, haven’t found anyone really worth investing my time in. I refuse to end up the same love lost position I've been in for the last year again. Absolutely REFUSE! [She has said Hello about 2564 times since we've been on the phone. That's like the most frustrating thing ever.]....I miss my sisters. I miss them so dearly. I love my little darlings and can’t wait to see them tomorrow! They really bring happiness to my life. Oh...we've been moving for what seems like a year [4 months], Ughhh I want this to be over. [Reem just said "Earlier I felt like I was walking on marshmallows."...wtf? Lol!] Ughhh, I'm just ready to see my mother back to her usual crazy self. She calls me every day and vents about life...when she never even talked to me when we stayed in the same house. I’m happy about this as well. She is probably the craziest woman you could ever meet, but I don’t know where I'd be without her. I love her and owe her my life!

[Nika -my lil sis-& I]

[Bad pic, but My sisters & I !]

[lol, Me and my sissy's---OLD pic clearly!!]

Random: Oh, how I miss my Meech---He's my brother now! :) .Oh, I guess since I shouted out everyone else--there is this guy who wants to be with me. Who wants me say "I love you" [the horrid forbidden words] to him so bad, and that is something I just can’t do. Like I said I REFUSE to be back in that shitty love lost position. He’s cool though...probably knows more about me than any other guy. And he ACTUALLY accepts me flaws and all...I've never truly had that. But I have serious trust issues. I need to find someone to talk to. I would tell yall a way I handle not trusting anyone enough to talk to them, but yall would probably think I was crazy. And maybe I am, but just a little.

[An ancient pic of My Meech -brother from another other mother-and I :)]

[Me, My sister, and my Antionne-cousin-]

[AND me :D]

Yeap...I'll be back to my venting post...Don’t fret. Until next time though...Toodles!