A peek inside my personal journal:
January 15, 2012:
I want to call.
Call to almost…ask permission.
Ask permission to be involved fully in someone else.
I want him to hear it from me.
I want him to know that even through this…
I love him, forever.
That I love him more than any and every one….that if I had the option to chose,
it would always be him.
BUT for now…right now, I must move on.
I can no longer sacrafice my happiness for what might turn out to be just another dream. Another fantasy, a figment of my imagination.
WE finally talked.
Talked about the new guy and him wanting a relationship.
I asked his advice,
I felt as if I needed his permission to begin anew.
The lover said that I should give the new guy, Gregory, a try.
He gave me permission.
The permission that I was seeking.
And shortly after, I had a breakdown.
A breakdown because I know that my heart only beats for him.
That the only thing I’ve ever craved…is him.
And that starting this new thing…might drive me insane.
What if it actually works with this new guy?
What if it actually lasts?
Where will that leave the lover?
When will I have my time with him?
Scared that I’m just going to fuck things up in this new relationship.
Scared to fall in love.
Scared to…what feels like, leave the lover…
Scared to let go of my dreams of him. Of us.
I feel stupid.
More so than you could even begin to imagine.
Why am I letting whatever we have…possibly affect my present?
Why am I scared to just live in the moment?
Oh yea, because it’s my heart we’re playing with now.
Tugging at its strings, testing it in every way.
I’m probably failing.
ANd I dont know how to fix it.
BUT he gave me permission.
I wonder how he feels about it, is he really ok with it.
I guess he has to be, he isn’t here with me.
Maybe I shouldn’t go into this with so much baggage.
Because in the end it will all come out.
Explode in my face like it usually does.
But I can’t run from it…and no longer will I let it affect my NOW.
So…welcome the new guy.
But the most potent part of my heart will always be saved for the lover.
Through tragedy and all.