I feel like I'm going crazy.
One minute I love him, and want nothing more than to have him in my life...no matter the circumstances. But the next minute?...The next minute I hate him. Hate him to his fuckin core.
Really....I should probably talk to him. But I'm tired of expressing emotions. The more emotions I reveal the crazier I become.
Sometimes I convince myself that I can wait. That I can still be regular with him while he's away. While he's away playing his games. "Finding his self", Kicking it with the boys, Fucking hoes...and possibly falling in love again. With someone that isn't me. Someone irrelevant.
I can deal with the hoes. But the love? The person that has his attention there?....is getting to me.
And through it all, I seem like one of those weak ass bitches that I lose respect for. Waiting on something, that might turn out to be nothing. Someone who is with everyone. Telling myself that I just need to branch out. Find a distraction, a distraction like he started as. Find temporary replacement dick...but dick isn't what's keeping me engrossed with this man. & to find a replacement for love?...not something I want to do. Nor am I sure that its even possible at this point.
I love him. With my soul.
I hate that he's away. I hate that he left. These few months have felt like a lifetime...how am I supposed to get through this for years and years?
Why the fuck am I waiting?
...especially when I know that this shit will end tragically. But still, in all my logic...hope remains. Hope that he won't make me regret loving him at the end of this.
I'm mad at myself for being here, because I know what I want. I want to be the spotlight. The girlfriend. Even if he's forever away.
I need to leave, but I desperately want to stay.
Smh, silly me. I hate falling in love. Fuck you Cupid.