They pretty much adore me :)

Monday, April 12

Hello, My name is Random, Bytch :x

Yo.

Writers block is kicking my ass today. I’ve started 5 poems today and have yet to finish one. I was trying to get a late start on participating in poetry month...but clearly that shit just isn’t working out for me. I only write well when something is on my mind bothering me. Or giving me a feeling of complete bliss. And today neither is really going on. Today I am blank as a canvas ready to be painted on. Hmm, reminds me that I haven’t painted in a while. I keep telling myself that I want to paint a picture of my father holding me...but I just can't bring myself to do that...not now. I don’t want a tear drenched painting. I want it to be happy, joyful...and I have a beautiful effect to add to it...whenever I finish it. Well whenever I start it. I painted a total of 3 pictures of the ex. I think I’m going to discard them today...I no longer wish to look at them. They no longer mean anything to me. I should be happy about that but I'm really indifferent. It took an eternity to get over him...and now that I'm finally here...past eternity, what next? Someone new right? But what if I don’t feel like going to someone new either? The fact that I really don’t want anyone in my life right now scares me too. Scares me because I have to wonder have I given up on love so early? What happened to that love obsessed girl...the one who believed in fairytales? The one who dreamed of nothing more than possessing all the love in the world...what happened to her? I want her back.

My mind is drowning in the thoughts of sex. But giving up on celibacy feels like such a huge decision now that I've went so long. Seems like I'd regret it if I gave up just for some reliable mind blowing dick. *sigh*...Mind-blowing, back-breaking, pussy-aching...lovely dick. [Comes back from my building fantasy]...Where was I? Oh yea, celibacy. It's somewhat easy to not really act on impulse because I have to remember that I don’t want to be wanted for my pussy. If we break up and you contact me telling me how much you miss me...and my pussy?...I just don’t wanna hear it. Just miss me...my inner beauty, not how my pussy feels.

Shit, I need a nice trip to Mars. Yes...that would be lovely right now. Make a phone call and have someone deliver me some good. Lol...delivery pharmacist. But I gave that up too...I’m making so many sacrifices...they all better be worth it in the end. I'm trying to be a better person. Trying to grow...I'm making minimal progress. I recently started reading my bible every day. I was sitting in church wondering why I had never taken the time out to read the whole thing...I mean I read sooo many books for pleasure but haven’t even read half of the bible. A big part of that having to do with all the questions I am left with...all the stuff that I just can't and won’t believe...But that is for a completely different post. A bunch of random shit is running through my mind right now...taking a pit stop to discuss all of them would take forever. Besides...I think I feel like starting my painting now. Toodles.

7 comments:

F said...

I'm totally with you on the Bible... I'm trying to do the same; keep falling off though... SMH. God help us all, right?

Keep going with this celibacy thing... Giving in would just make you a slave to your desires- and we can all do better than that. Keep your will strong. Plus, no matter how (insert amazing word here) the pussy is, our inner selves are soooo much more. Let's build that. :)

Tokyo.Diamond said...

Great post. You have to be hella strong to be celibate. I give you props for sticking to it.

NC17 said...

it sounds as though your inner lust is distracting you from writing, i say open those legs and let the creativity flow once more.

Secretia said...

Maybe you stayed celibate long enough. Time to press flesh again.

Queen2be said...

why does it feel ilike you stole some of the words out of my mind?..damn..Great Post!

Myne Whitman said...

This is a great post, very well written and said. Keep trying at the poems, you might still make it.

Shay said...

I commend you for staying celibate for so long ! Everyone always says virgins have to have strong self control to be without sex, but I think it takes even stronger self control when you've experienced the pleasure and then refrain from doing it . So kudos to you Robyn !