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Monday, March 21

I know I've been gone, but I need you!


First, HELLO to all my lovely followers and fellow bloggers. I've missed you all, dearly. That is a complete understatement. I need to update my blog on my life for almost the past year. Shit, it's been a while. But...Second, this is not a " I'm back" post. It's more of a " I have a slight problem and I rather talk to my blog world and get advice than hear what my friends have to say" post.

I'm IN love. In love with someone I thought I'd never fall for. Not seriously anyway. But I'm here...I've fallen. Well really, I've grown. I've grown in love with him and it feels...wonderful. Grown to love him, flaws and all. Unconditionally. And that is the problem. Let me give a little background.

I met him freshman year. Met him while I was completely IN love with someone else. With the ex. It was after we had broken up, but still had all the relationship benefits. I was hurting, broken when I met him. He made an advance at me, I didn't really care for him. He wasn't my type..and like I said my mind and heart were elsewhere. We chatted, and I let him into my bedroom. Inside of me. It was the first time that I hadn't thought about the ex. So for that reason and that reason alone, I kept letting him inside. In hopes to erase my ex. Terrible reason..but true. During the whole thing I can't say that I treated him like he deserved. I was a bitch{understatement}...and still he was there for me, dealing with me. He deserved better than me at the time. During freshman year, our whole situation got extra messy. I don't have time to even go into it. But let's say other people were in the picture. Some girl loved him, while he loved me, while I loved the ex. Messy, messy situation. Since freshman year we would chat for a while and then I'd tell him I want to be friends. The last time...he said he was done with me. At the time, I found it funny. Then I started to miss him. Contacted him...same back and forth, until recently. Recently he has been back in my life. And recently I've noticed that I don't love him. That instead, I'm in love with him. & I know he loves me. Problem is...I'm not number 1. I'm not the only. And I have a problem with it. I've never settled to be second with anyone..ever. I'm always the girlfriend, not the side. Every guy I've loved in the past, I've been in a relationship with. Serious relationships, getting all of the number one privileges. And this time I'm not. Not that I want a relationship, just to be number one. Because it bothers hurts me to be in any other place. He's the sweetest person. He knows me, more than anyone. He's the only person I've ever been so comfortable with. Sexually, he's the best that's ever done it...and I need desperately for him to make love to me. Love to me like I'm the only. He has a beautiful heart. A heart that I want to belong to me...he already has mine. He told me that he doesn't want me out of his life. But I know him...and he can't give me what I want from him now. So right now, I want to walk away.  I feel like I need to walk away. Walk away because everyday my love grows..and I know that I can't just be Number two forever. But I'm constantly reminded that he was my number two before. The difference is, he tried to out beat number 1. & I won't try. Because it would be pointless to try to compete. Not because I think she's better...but I'm sure they have more history. I guess I just need opinions. Should I walk away...or should I be there for him/with him like I want to be, even if it means the only role I play in his future is being the mistress that he's too in love with to let go? " Should I give up...or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere? Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place, should I leave it there?" Opinions are greatly welcomed. I need help, and some direction. It's all emotionally draining. Sorry to come back with all the emotional shit. But I'm lost..and I need some guidance.


F said...

It's been ages since you updated! I had to look twice at my sidebar before I believed it was actually you who put up a new post. Well, welcome back... Even if it's only for a short while.

About your dilemma, it really is a lot. First of all, I'm happy for you. Being in love is amazing, especially with all the shit that has happened in the past. I have to say, though. NOTHING is worth being Number 2. That's just my opinion. I think you need to have a proper conversation with this guy. Lay everything out there. How you feel, how you want the two of you to fully belong to each other. If he reciprocates the feeling as intensely as you do, then leaving the other girl will be worth it and he'll do it because love like that doesn't come around very often. If he doesn't, you shouldn't stick around to be second best no matter how much you love him.

It's hard but at the end of the day, self-love has to come first. If you have a standard that you never want to be someone's mistress, you should never go below it. I'm not saying you should give an ultimatum cos that's harsh and just childish. Just literally pour your heart out. If he still wants to sacrifice all that you are offering him to be with her, then maybe you shouldn't be with him right now. When he's ready, he has your number.

xxxx said...

First of all let me say I have missed you and your blogging... Now to the post
NEVER settle for second best, if he is in love with you the way that you are in love with him then he will be with you and only you. Dont try to beat yourself up because at one point HE CHOSE TO SETTLE TO BE YOUR #2.. that was a decision that he made for himself, you did not make it for him. Never degrade yourself for the comforts of someone else. And love never consist of second place.

Shakiera said...

I know im late, but I do not know if it was the music or your post but I was like almost in tears reading this post. Dont know why because Ive never been in this position but I am going through some relationship problems so maybe that it is why.

No one can tell you what you should do, but I will say if he is not going to let the other woman in his life go, you have to protect your feelings.

You may love him and being the side piece for a while might be fun and alright but after a while the problems, heartbreak, longing to be number 1 will start to seep in.

Just be careful in this situation.

P.S..I just started a blog myself. Its an inspirational blog with my personal experiences so check it out and follow if you would like!

..kraziibipolarchick.. said...

Hey hun , get out of this situation NOW its jus not healthy, never accept 2nd place...give him an ultimatum and if he cnt choose chuck up the deuces!