Today is October 25, 2009. Exactly one year ago the love of my life [K.J] broke up with me. Yes this post might be a downer, but I write about what's on my mind. And this I NEED to write. All month I've been dreading this day, wondering how I would react...wondering would I cry. Wondering how far I've come...wondering so many things that should be far from my mind. I don’t like talking to people about him, because I know that by now I should have BEEN moved on. I know that...I’m stupid. The saddest part is probably how we broke up. How can you break up with someone you claim to love so much through a text message...and when they call to ask what the fuck is going on you don’t even have the decency to answer the phone?! Besides that, this post is to evaluate how far I've really come. So I guess I have to ask myself some questions. [How often do you think about him?]-*sigh* Every day, every single fucking day. [What do you think about?]*sigh* How much I miss him, how much he meant to me...how happy he made me, how i hope that he's ok.[Do you still cry over him?]*sigh* Sort of like I am now? Every once in a while I can’t help the tears. [Do you want him back?]...my heart says yes, but my mind says to answer NO. [Are you ok with how ya'll are?] Yes, I’m OK with not speaking with him. Yes I'm OK with not seeing him, Yes I'm OK. [Are you happy that he has moved on?] No. No I am not happy that he has moved on. BUT I am happy that he found HER. I am happy that he is in HER life...I am happy that he is happy! And yes that is the truth. This blog is no place for sugar-coating. I honestly believe that AT THIS TIME she might be a better girlfriend than I am. Yeah, and I never admit shit like that. So add up all the sadness with my happiness and you get content. So I’m content on how things happened. I have grown from it, and learned so much from him. Things that I didn’t know about me. I could sit here and verbally reminisce through our whole relationship, tell exactly what I love, what I didn’t love as much, and what went wrong on both behalves...but it would take a century...and leave me steps behind. You know i still have his text messages in my phone?! All of them...secretly saved in my drafts. Before the end of the day I hope I have the strength to delete them. He is not mine anymore, no point of hanging on to the "thinking about you's", the "missing you's", the "I love you's", or the "I love you mores’". No point in holding on so tightly to a past that has fought so hard to get away.
Simply, I miss him. Everything about him...no matter what anyone says he is a great person. Even if he is childish, a cheater, shallow or anything else everyone else wants to call him. Every now and then I feel the need to call/txt him...just to see how he is. To make sure he is ok. I've never been the type to be stuck on someone. After relationships end usually I have a list of new prospects by the next week. And with him...I can honestly say he was different...but in an all too similar way. His laughter haunts me, random images of him, his smiles, his phrases...they all follow me. Why is it so hard to escape this feeling?!.Compared to others it feels like my first time falling in love. Although I know this isn’t the case. Why am I so scared to try again?! Because I fell TOO hard, and it seems impossible to get back to where I was before him. IMPOSSIBLE.
So to what used to be MY Mr. Jones...I still love you, BUT I am truly happy to see you happy with HER. And to the new Mrs., Make sure you take care of him. Make sure that you don’t hurt him...Make sure that you love him as I loved him, Make sure he stays happy!
[TO MY READERS: I'm sorry. I will try to avoid the depressing shit...but this I couldn’t help....so until next time...TOODLES! ]