Addicted. Just another nympho freak.

Yo.

I want you to understand how hard this is for me.
How hard it is...going without it.

Me?
I'm addicted to orgasms.
Addicted to the rush of energy through my body.
The release of all the tension of my day.
Addicted to the sense of calmness it brings me.

Pause.
Maybe you're wondering why I didn't say that I was just addicted to sex.
Maybe you think I mean sex.

No.
I mean I am fully addicted to orgasms.

See me...I've never cum during sex.
I've never had an orgasm from intercourse.
Never.

And as much as I LOVE sex, I can go without.
Orgasms...I cannot.

I have to have at least one a day.
But I usually have two.
Self pleasure is a necessity for me.

I've gone through extreme lengths just to...cum.
Even when I'm getting dicked down on a regular, I still have to assist myself daily.

So in a sense, I'm addicted to masturbating.
Because I'm the only one who knows how to make me squirt.
How to make it trickle slowly from my sugar walls.


I can do it in 2 minutes,
or serenade myself for hours.

But self-pleasure only makes me crave sex more.
Crave to be filled in ways only another could do.
No plastic.
I want to feel the throbbing inside of me.
Want him to be able to feel me when I clench my walls around it,
Hear him telling me how good it feels.
Wrapping my mouth around the warm beautiful brown skin...
feeling it pulsate as it builds up...
Knowing that I'm working for his nutt.
Knowing that this pussy has him addicted.
All things that a plastic dick cannot do for me.


I have a problem.
I'm addicted to orgasms.
Orgasms brought by myself.
And orgasms make me feind for sex.

Maybe I'm just a nympho...who isn't getting enough.

Counting down the days...

Yo.
I'm not really sure when EXACTLY he's coming home.
But I know that it's soon.
Soon, and I cannot wait to see his face.

I adore him, in every sense of the word.
I'm sure he won't really agree with my decision, but it's better than nothing. I'm ready for these fantasies to be taken care of. To begin this plutonic friendship after the fun is over.
It's crazy.
He's been the only dick in me for almost the past 3 years.
Last one besides him was the ex.
Valentines day 2009.
Since then, it's only been him.

Maybe that's why I don't really care to branch out.
Find replacement dick.
Because I'm completely satisfied with him.

Unless I can get a guarantee that the next will do it like him,or better...I don't want it.
I don't even want to try.

But there is absolutely no way in hell that I will limit myself to dick only when he visits.
That would mean that I would be celibate for majority of the year...with maybe 2 visits from him.

Fuck no, right now that sounds insane.
But it only SOUNDS insane.

I've gone without it for the last 5 months.
Waiting...for him to come back. Isn't that crazy?

I've needed it.
NEEDed it.
& I don't just want to go out and find random dick.
Nor do I really want a relationship or to be in love with anyone else.
The problem. I only want him, so the option of someone else has become non-existent.

But my sex drive is too high for me to continue doing this.
Because if I had the option to fuck him EVERYday I would.
Every morning.
Every night.
Surprise mid-day sex.
Smh, I wish I could go back to a time when all of that was an option.
We'd bang like rabbits.

When he gets here, I need to have all of my fantasies in order. I only want him to fulfill them. And if this is going to be the last few times, then I need to make it count.

Counting down the days...
The hours, the minutes, ...the seconds.

All I can seem to write about is him...

Yo. Just another love poem.

Loves Limit:

Baby...
I...have a confession,
I love you.
Not just that regular fly by night type love...
Naw.
That, baby I love you with my soul type love.
That, baby I love you only when I ...breathe type love.
That, I dream about you every night when I sleep type love.
Yea...baby, I'm in love with you.

I wanna show you new depths of passion, be the only one you need when you dream of love. On some L.L type shit, yea I'm in need of love.

Not that, only know me when you feel you need it type love.
Not that, every single day I fuckin' hate you type love.
Not that motivated by lust, riddled with lies type love.
Naw baby...Naw.
But that, you could be my personal supply of happiness type love.
Yea, baby...I love you.

I need you to teach me all the secrets that you need in love, help me pave the way to suceed to love.

Not that, only said it to get what I need type love.
But that, planning out our future only wanna be with you type love.
That, kiss you all night while you sleep type love.
That, remind you everyday that you're all I...breathe type love.
Yea...baby, I'm completley IN love with you.

All I want is to know that we'll make it in love. All I need is to reach the impossible through love.

Not that, insecure mediocre I love you because you love me type love.
Not that, selfish ass all about me me me type love.
But that, becoming a better me to work towards US type love.
That...If I can't have forever with you, I don't want forever type love.
Yea...that type of love.

Loves Limit,higher than anything one could achieve in love.
Float away with me...to be in love.
There, we'll live happily...all we need is love.

AND, just incase you don't know by now...Baby, I LOVE you.

-Robyn

Excuse me, I'm just venting...

Yo.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

One minute I love him, and want nothing more than to have him in my life...no matter the circumstances. But the next minute?...The next minute I hate him. Hate him to his fuckin core.

Really....I should probably talk to him. But I'm tired of expressing emotions. The more emotions I reveal the crazier I become.

Sometimes I convince myself that I can wait. That I can still be regular with him while he's away. While he's away playing his games. "Finding his self", Kicking it with the boys, Fucking hoes...and possibly falling in love again. With someone that isn't me. Someone irrelevant.

I can deal with the hoes. But the love? The person that has his attention there?....is getting to me.

And through it all, I seem like one of those weak ass bitches that I lose respect for. Waiting on something, that might turn out to be nothing. Someone who is with everyone. Telling myself that I just need to branch out. Find a distraction, a distraction like he started as. Find temporary replacement dick...but dick isn't what's keeping me engrossed with this man. & to find a replacement for love?...not something I want to do. Nor am I sure that its even possible at this point.

I love him. With my soul.
Unconditionally.

I hate that he's away. I hate that he left. These few months have felt like a lifetime...how am I supposed to get through this for years and years?

Why the fuck am I waiting?

...especially when I know that this shit will end tragically. But still, in all my logic...hope remains. Hope that he won't make me regret loving him at the end of this.

I'm mad at myself for being here, because I know what I want. I want to be the spotlight. The girlfriend. Even if he's forever away.

I need to leave, but I desperately want to stay.

Smh, silly me. I hate falling in love. Fuck you Cupid.

Letter to MY {Love}-r:

My tragically gorgeous,

My how things have changed. I remember when we first met. How I didn't really want to be there. I remember my first thoughts."Who the hell flirts by asking if I'm horny because I'm twirling my hair?"...but if you would've asked me back then where I saw us, if I saw an us....'Never' would easily have parted my lips. But somehow you made your way into my bed, inside of me. Made me forget my pain in life. I guess you were my pain killer. When you slipped inside of me...nothing mattered. Life issues disappeared. When you whispered in my ear, all attention was on you. All I felt was pleasure.

I remember wanting you often. Just to take my mind off of things. How selfish I was. Only thinking of me.

I remember that I didn't want you to love me. I didn't want you to be hurt by the monster that lives inside of me. And even if you thought I never took your feelings in consideration, they were always on my mind. Understand ...that at the time I thought it was best to push you away. I thought you'd do better in someone else's life. I didn't need to be loved...because ultimately I knew I would just hurt you. & that was never my goal.

Remember when you told me you loved me. I didn't believe it. I didn't believe that you knew what you were saying...that you didn't KNOW me. So I refused to get caught up in what I thought was just words.

I remember when I walked into Arkansas Hall and saw you with another girl. Looking like you were escorting her from your room. The sharp sting I felt. Remember telling myself to shake it off....not to look phased. It's when I realized that I more than just liked you. More than just wanted to feel you inside of me.
Remember that you came to my room. Pacing. To apologize. How cute I thought it was. Sweet that I meant that much.

But still, I remained a bitch. An asshole. For protection. I didn't have any more pieces of my heart that could risk getting broken. And for that I apologize.(You were always better than him. Even when I couldn't see.)
I still think that night that you came to my room with the 3 movies you rented for us randomly....was the sweetest thing tht anyone has ever done for me. That night it hurt me to turn down your attempts. But, I was still in protection mode.

I didn't want to be just another number to you. I was so afraid to be hurt again, that I didn't allow you to love me. Love me like I needed.
Even when we stop communicating, you worked your way back into my life. Made me realize how deep this really was...how deep this really is. And for that, I thank you. Thank you for your consistency. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to truly fall for you. Well...grow. Grow to the highest form of love I've ever experienced. And even with all of my craziness, thank you for accepting me. As Robyn. Flawed and all. Thank you for being the only person that I can be myself with, comfortably...and completely.

If I could take back my antics, I would in a heartbeat. Blind to your love the first time around...blind to your beauty. If I knew that we were on a time limit, it would've been different. But then again...I guess thats what I was afraid of. Afraid of letting you in, only for you to leave me.
Now that your gone...I need you more than ever. So many words unsaid. So many feelings unshared. Soooo many tears cried...because I don't want it to be goodbye. Not forever.

2208 miles away, and still you consume my thoughts. Holding them hostage. I could look at you all day, without you saying a word...and still be entertained. Kiss you in your sleep for an eternity. Watch you talk, listen to you laugh. Be a part of your silliness. All day every day...and I'd never get bored.

And our sex? It can get no better. The way my body reacts to your touch.  Melts from your kisses. Responds to your thrust. Craves for your words. Drips from our passion.

Lover, lover...please stay with me for a lifetime. Stay with my heart, make your home in my soul. I promise never to let you go. Promise for a lifetime. I love you more than all words could express, and know that OUR forever isn't up yet...

I know....I need to get out of my damn feelings!

Yo.

Lately I've been all in my damn feelings. When I can find a way not to be I swear I will start blogging about regular shit again. Smh. Sooo, the person I talked about in my last two post...he's leaving. Moving away. To Portland. Agggeess away from Arkansas. And I? I am hella sad about this. HELLA!

Me and that boy...we've had too many feelings experienced in these past few years. Mannnn. For some reason it feels like goodbye to me. I can't help but thinking what if this is the last time I see him. The last memories we'll ever have. It's fucking me up. Mentally. I'm destroyed. Just when I am IN love with him...with everything about him. When I've learned to accept the things that I can not and would never change. When I felt myself wanting to be his, more than the world. He's leaving. Damn.

Buttt...he's leaving to do better. Do better than Arkansas. And I want nothing more than to see him suceed. To see him reach his dreams...his goals, whether that be with or without me. I know that he can do it...if he stays focused on what he wants. I know that he can. And I hope that he does.

But I can't help tht my heart is selfish. That she wants him to stay here...stay close, to love me. To love me with the best of his ability. To see his face on a regular....to touch his body. To have his pleasure. The bliss that I feel when I'm in his presence. I want that. He's supposed to be my lover for a lifetime. Our lifetime isn't up. And i need my lover. Badly.

I don't really know how this is going to go when he leaves. But I hope the love doesn't deteriorate. I couldn't handle it. And this goodbye in a few days?....is going to tear me the fuck apart. I'm trying to brace myself. Trying to prep myself...not to let the tears fall. Not to let the pain show.

Fuck. I knew I shouldn't have fallen. I knew better...but his love made me lose all logic. And now I'm in too deep. Committed in my mind. I love that boy. This is not the last post about him...stay tuned. Smh.

{Muah}

No more excuses...

This blog will become like a diary to me. I'm back on this everyday type shit...just because I have the app on my phone now. :) ! I miss blogging dearly. It kept me current on my writing...which I need!

Oooh where the fuck are my manners?...Hello loves! I've missed you ALL dearly.

There is no way I can give an update on my life right now. No way. Especially not for the last year or so. So from this point foward I will do my best to keep things pretty current. I have too much to talk about...and I never know who to turn to with my randomness. So this blog will be a tell all. Muah. I'll be back later with a real post. Toodles!

I know I've been gone, but I need you!

Yo.

First, HELLO to all my lovely followers and fellow bloggers. I've missed you all, dearly. That is a complete understatement. I need to update my blog on my life for almost the past year. Shit, it's been a while. But...Second, this is not a " I'm back" post. It's more of a " I have a slight problem and I rather talk to my blog world and get advice than hear what my friends have to say" post.

I'm IN love. In love with someone I thought I'd never fall for. Not seriously anyway. But I'm here...I've fallen. Well really, I've grown. I've grown in love with him and it feels...wonderful. Grown to love him, flaws and all. Unconditionally. And that is the problem. Let me give a little background.

I met him freshman year. Met him while I was completely IN love with someone else. With the ex. It was after we had broken up, but still had all the relationship benefits. I was hurting, broken when I met him. He made an advance at me, I didn't really care for him. He wasn't my type..and like I said my mind and heart were elsewhere. We chatted, and I let him into my bedroom. Inside of me. It was the first time that I hadn't thought about the ex. So for that reason and that reason alone, I kept letting him inside. In hopes to erase my ex. Terrible reason..but true. During the whole thing I can't say that I treated him like he deserved. I was a bitch{understatement}...and still he was there for me, dealing with me. He deserved better than me at the time. During freshman year, our whole situation got extra messy. I don't have time to even go into it. But let's say other people were in the picture. Some girl loved him, while he loved me, while I loved the ex. Messy, messy situation. Since freshman year we would chat for a while and then I'd tell him I want to be friends. The last time...he said he was done with me. At the time, I found it funny. Then I started to miss him. Contacted him...same back and forth, until recently. Recently he has been back in my life. And recently I've noticed that I don't love him. That instead, I'm in love with him. & I know he loves me. Problem is...I'm not number 1. I'm not the only. And I have a problem with it. I've never settled to be second with anyone..ever. I'm always the girlfriend, not the side. Every guy I've loved in the past, I've been in a relationship with. Serious relationships, getting all of the number one privileges. And this time I'm not. Not that I want a relationship, just to be number one. Because it bothers hurts me to be in any other place. He's the sweetest person. He knows me, more than anyone. He's the only person I've ever been so comfortable with. Sexually, he's the best that's ever done it...and I need desperately for him to make love to me. Love to me like I'm the only. He has a beautiful heart. A heart that I want to belong to me...he already has mine. He told me that he doesn't want me out of his life. But I know him...and he can't give me what I want from him now. So right now, I want to walk away.  I feel like I need to walk away. Walk away because everyday my love grows..and I know that I can't just be Number two forever. But I'm constantly reminded that he was my number two before. The difference is, he tried to out beat number 1. & I won't try. Because it would be pointless to try to compete. Not because I think she's better...but I'm sure they have more history. I guess I just need opinions. Should I walk away...or should I be there for him/with him like I want to be, even if it means the only role I play in his future is being the mistress that he's too in love with to let go? " Should I give up...or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere? Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place, should I leave it there?" Opinions are greatly welcomed. I need help, and some direction. It's all emotionally draining. Sorry to come back with all the emotional shit. But I'm lost..and I need some guidance.
Toodles!