Lately I've been all in my damn feelings. When I can find a way not to be I swear I will start blogging about regular shit again. Smh. Sooo, the person I talked about in my last two post...he's leaving. Moving away. To Portland. Agggeess away from Arkansas. And I? I am hella sad about this. HELLA!
Me and that boy...we've had too many feelings experienced in these past few years. Mannnn. For some reason it feels like goodbye to me. I can't help but thinking what if this is the last time I see him. The last memories we'll ever have. It's fucking me up. Mentally. I'm destroyed. Just when I am IN love with him...with everything about him. When I've learned to accept the things that I can not and would never change. When I felt myself wanting to be his, more than the world. He's leaving. Damn.
Buttt...he's leaving to do better. Do better than Arkansas. And I want nothing more than to see him suceed. To see him reach his dreams...his goals, whether that be with or without me. I know that he can do it...if he stays focused on what he wants. I know that he can. And I hope that he does.
But I can't help tht my heart is selfish. That she wants him to stay here...stay close, to love me. To love me with the best of his ability. To see his face on a regular....to touch his body. To have his pleasure. The bliss that I feel when I'm in his presence. I want that. He's supposed to be my lover for a lifetime. Our lifetime isn't up. And i need my lover. Badly.
I don't really know how this is going to go when he leaves. But I hope the love doesn't deteriorate. I couldn't handle it. And this goodbye in a few days?....is going to tear me the fuck apart. I'm trying to brace myself. Trying to prep myself...not to let the tears fall. Not to let the pain show.
Fuck. I knew I shouldn't have fallen. I knew better...but his love made me lose all logic. And now I'm in too deep. Committed in my mind. I love that boy. This is not the last post about him...stay tuned. Smh.