In my moments of craziness...

Yo.

Ok, so my last post?
Just me...in the heat of the moment.
Pretty in my feelings, clearly.
Lol.

I thought it over.
And I realized something.
The only opinion that matters in the situation is my own.
What I think.

I know that whatever is going on doesn't need a definition at the moment.
I'm doing my thing...and he's doing his.
AND I'm actually really happy with where I am right now.
REALLY happy.
I like whatever is going on.
And I will continue to root him on in all his endeavors.
Continue to wish for his success.
Continue to pry in his business.
Continue to be here for him.
Continue to be Robyn with him.

Through tragedy and all.

Hold the fuck up...am I the bottom bitch?

Yo.

My mind is so disheveled right now.
I just read an article over at BLACK GIRLS ARE EASY.  ...titled Stop Being The Bottom Bitch.
It's probably one of the realest articles I've read in a long ass time.
Any who, it left me questioning my position with the lover.

Am I his bottom bitch?
....Or one of them?

I love that boy...with my soul.
And I always just think that no one understands what it is that we have.
That even without a title, I know that it's real.

Even though he's forever away, I'll be here with him forever.
Through tragedy and all.

And I see no problem with that.
Well, I didn't. Until I read the article.

In my mind, I'd like to think that whatever we have is just complicated.
"More of friends, but the best of lovers."

Never been the girlfriend.
Never met his mother.
Never been out on "dates".

And it didn't bother me. Until I found out he was leaving, moving to Portland. I guess none of that really mattered.
It was too late, I was already completely in love with him.

I expressed my concerns about the title, the meeting of his mother...all after he had moved away.

But I feel like I must explain something.
This started on a different level.
Different than what I even wanted it to be.
I NEVER wanted to be girlfriend before.
NEVER gave a shit about meeting anyone..and going out on dates.
Because, well because I guess that when I got involved with him, that's not what I signed up for. It's not what I even wanted.

He was serious with me before I ever dreamed about being serious with him.

What is it that we have?
I can not answer that question.
I know that he wants me to be here with him...and I know that I want nothing more than to see him succeed.

But I'm not one of those girls who secretly wishes to marry him.
Who secretly thinks that I'll be wifey.
No, never.

BUT one day, since I'm being honest with myself, I do want that opportunity to be girlfriend. Just to test the waters. I know I'm more than qualified.

I'd like to believe that what we have is different. That there is absolutely no way that I am his bottom bitch. Just a bomb ass friend who wants the best for him...even if it never truly involves me. BUT...what if I am? What if I'm the girl that would never seriously be considered for girlfriend. What if I'm the girl that he just fucks when it's convenient...tells whatever to just to keep around?

I can't be that stupid bitch.
I can't be playing that role unknowingly...can I?
Fuck man.

Now I need to talk to him again.
But really, what is there to say?

No.
I'm not the bottom bitch.
I can't be.
I'm too fuckin fly to ever play a role like that.

I know that there is shit that Robyn doesn't stand for. He knows I'm not with the bullshit. Not the naive bitch buying him shit, not the one getting mad because he's fucking other bitches...just the one that loves him unconditionally. And the only strings attached are those to my heart. Those that will root him on towards his goals. Those who want nothing more than for him to be a success...as much as I want it for myself.

I'm someone that titles are important to, but with this...I don't know what it is.
I'm just going with the flow...and for now I'm content with it.
But if time goes on and I realize that I have been playing the "bottom bitch",
Mannn all hell will break loose. And I will only be able to blame myself.

But I know that we're more than that.
Well, I hope...

-Robyn Latice

No thanks, I'll pass on being the "skinny" bitch...

Yo.

Sooooo.....

I'm on a diet.
The HCG diet to be exact.
I've lost a total of 19 lbs in 23 days.
(Really I lost more, but I cheated and it came back...*shrugs*)

This is the day before I began the diet:

{When I finish the diet, I will post a picture in the same outfit...just to show the progress}
{Ohh....& I have box braids right now, I was obsessed with them so I gave them a go. I love them}
This diet is a very strict diet, but the results are phenomenal...google it for those who are interested.

Any who,  since being on this diet....the comments I've gotten. Smh.

People must think I'm one of those "big girls" who secretly want nothing more than this world to be skinny. And that couldn't be further from the truth.

Just because I am on a diet, does not mean I crave to be skinny.
I love my shape right now...my curves.
Why am I on a diet if I LOVE my shape?...
Simple.
I know that I have problem areas.
My arms, stomach/back area. They could use a little shrinkage, and this diet targets problem areas as such.

I don't want to lose a person.
I'm not trying to get back down to a size 3/6/8.
Shit, I haven't been a size 3 since 6th grade.
And looking back on old pictures, I hate the skinny Robyn.
My head is too big for my body to be so little.
No thanks.

To tell the truth, I'm quite sad that my pants are starting to sag off of me.
Means I'm losing some of my ass...and my big pretty ass thighs.
The things I love.
I like that my pant size is 14/15.
I never want it to be under a size 10. EVER.

& last time my ass was a size 10, I was in 8th grade...
I love my adult body.
People don't know how much fun curves can be.

I'm tired of the slick comments on if you were truly happy with yourself you wouldn't be on a diet.
Smh. Child please, I know that I'm sexy when my clothes are off.
My body is evenly proportioned.
Waist dips in to create that hour glass illusion. Yea, I know I'm bomb.
I spend too much time in the mirror admiring myself.
BUT, why not make it better.
If I can have a big ass, flat stomach, big tits, fit arms....why not have that bomb ass body?

And I hate when people see you losing weight and make a huge deal about it. Telling you how good your going to look when your down to so-and-so's size. Smh, who the fuck said I wanted to be petite? If I lose more than 30 lbs on this diet, I'm quiting. Period.

I'll continue to work on what needs to be toned through exercise, but numbers don't matter to me.
Curves are included in my definition of beauty for myself.
And they forever will be.

At the end of every day I love myself, regardless. Big ass and all.

-Robyn Latice

Maybe HE taught me for someone else...

A peek inside my personal journal:

January 15, 2012:

I want to call.

Call to almost…ask permission.

Ask permission to be involved fully in someone else.

I want him to hear it from me.

I want him to know that even through this…

I love him, forever.

That I love him more than any and every one….that if I had the option to chose,

it would always be him.

ALWAYS.

BUT for now…right now, I must move on.

I can no longer sacrafice my happiness for what might turn out to be just another dream. Another fantasy, a figment of my imagination.

January 21,2012:

WE finally talked.

Talked about the new guy and him wanting a relationship.

I asked his advice,

I felt as if I needed his permission to begin anew.

The lover said that I should give the new guy, Gregory, a try.

He gave me permission.

The permission that I was seeking.

And shortly after, I had a breakdown.

A breakdown because I know that my heart only beats for him.

That the only thing I’ve ever craved…is him.

And that starting this new thing…might drive me insane.

What if it actually works with this new guy?

What if it actually lasts?

Where will that leave the lover?

When will I have my time with him?

Confession.

I’m scared.

Scared that I’m just going to fuck things up in this new relationship.

Scared to fall in love.

Scared shitless.

Scared to…what feels like, leave the lover…

Scared to let go of my dreams of him. Of us.

I feel stupid.

More so than you could even begin to imagine.

Why am I letting whatever we have…possibly affect my present?

Why am I scared to just live in the moment?

Oh yea, because it’s my heart we’re playing with now.

Tugging at its strings, testing it in every way.

I’m probably failing.

ANd I dont know how to fix it.

BUT he gave me permission. 

I wonder how he feels about it, is he really ok with it.

I guess he has to be, he isn’t here with me.

Maybe I shouldn’t go into this with so much baggage. 

Hidden baggage.

Because in the end it will all come out.

Explode in my face like it usually does.

But I can’t run from it…and no longer will I let it affect my NOW.

So…welcome the new guy.

But the most potent part of my heart will always be saved for the lover. 

Through tragedy and all.

-Robyn Latice

I'm back....again. (But forreal this time)

Yo.

So, If your here you probably notice the new changes. I've finally gotten the time to change my blog. And why exactly? Because I actually plan on blogging on it again.

I have a lot to say. And blogging is like an online journal. Helping me keep track of my progress through life.

Any who...hello to the followers who are actually still blogging...and those who come to check on me occasionally.

What's going on now?
School has started for the semester.

I'm SO over school. And my slacking has bought me another year, I would be graduating in May if I stayed on my shit. *shrugs*...I will be out of here soon enough though.

I need to find a job. I have a lot of bad habits that need to be supported. Smoking, drinking, weave, hair colors, shoes, and clothing....!I'm in my "finding my style" phase of my life...and I have SOOO much that I want to try. This should be fun.
Oh.....& there is someone new in my life too!

Finally.
His name?
For the sake of my personal creepers we'll call him....Gregory. (I think that's his middle name)
And the lover that moved to Portland, we'll refer to him as Xavier.
As not to get the two confused.

So the new guy?
He's pretty cool.
Funny as fuck, handsome, older (25), can hold a bomb ass conversation, entertains the fuck out of me,....ohhh and he's nasty. Filthy really. All positive things.
He asked me to be his girl.

I haven't been in a relationship since the ex. Yes, the ex I used to discuss when I first started this blog in 09. SO, it's been a while. BUT, I actually wouldn't mind getting into this. We've only talked for about a month....but we vibe so well together. He's a Cancer. My last two serious loves were Cancers (like myself)....I swear those make the craziest relationships. I had sworn off of male Cancers...but for some reason they seem to be the only ones to "catch me". Everything feels so good with him...

Problem though.
I miss the lover, incredibly.
Miss him more than I could ever begin to express.

Man.
So much that subconsciously I'm sabotaging what could be with the next.
I guess the details on that situation can be saved for a separate post though.

Man, I have so much to discuss.
Happy to be back on blogger, Tumblr lacks substance. (But it it addicting as fuck.)
Feel free to follow me there too. Links on the sidebar somewhere.

Even when no one is reading, this blog will forever be my favorite.

-Muah

So you want to be a house nigger?...

Yo.

I’m so sick of hearing this light skin vs. dark skin debate amongst my fellow African-Americans. I hate hearing that dark-skin is ugly, I hate hearing that light-skin equals beauty. I hate hearing so much hate amongst one race…and for our fellow people? Really…why are we here? Have we not evolved?…

But most importantly, I hate hearing dark-skinned people who curse God for making them dark. Who has tricked them into thinking that being dark-skinned is a bad thing? Who has warped their mind into thinking that it isn’t beautiful?

The sad thing is…I know the answer to that question. Unfortunately it’s usually family members, fellow black associates/classmates/co-workers, and maybe even the media.

It hurts me to see so many people hung up on the issue of skin tone…especially amongst my own race. To hear about the little girls who cry everyday, whose only dream in the world is to be a couple of shades lighter. Because they have been tricked into thinking that that is the only way that they will ever be beautiful. It hurts my heart. Racism inside of a race is what this is.

How dare anyone think that they are more beautiful than the next because of a skin color. How dare another black person look down on the next black person for being a shade or two darker. Or lighter. I know enough dark-skinned people who despise light-skin. Despise it because they say “they think they’re better.” But really…how simple is this debate. How simple-minded of our race to be stuck on something so miniscule.

We, as an entire race, have MUCH better things to be focused on. Racism is still very much alive…and believe that we are still very much a target. BUT here we are making time to add to it. So now the mistreatment doesn’t stem from whether your black…but how black you are? If your a house nigger or a yard nigger huh? Are we really running backwards?

Wake up people. There is so much more to focus on in the world. The common goal should be to end racism as a whole…not add to it. Dark skin, light skin, brown skin…we are all beautiful. Please remember that.

Toodles!