Freak hoe...Wait

I've sat pondering too many times the difference between a freak and what people consider a hoe. Too many times coming up empty handed.

Wondering which I am categorized as.
But, for the first time I realized...it's just a matter of opinion.

I'm sure to some people, I'm a hoe.
A hoe because I'm with the freak shit.
Completely with the freak shit.
In each and every way.

I don't care that people know that I like freak shit, or that I even participate in freak shit.

Think of a freak.
I'm not the mediocre definition.
I'm the extended...

So if what I do sexually makes me a hoe and not who I'm doing...I guess I'm fucked.

Fucked because I enjoy the art of fucking...😒

Smh.

Judge away...

I have never claimed to be perfect...
Not one single day.
I, like everyone else, make mistakes.
Mistake after mistake.
In which I learn from, every time.
... every single time.
Am I proud of them?
No.
Am I ashamed of them?
Not at all.

Judge me if you must...
my mistakes have made me who I am.
Molded me into the person I am today.
Helped me see what not to do...
what I don't want to be.
They have helped transform me on so many levels.
Mentally, physically, emotionally...sexually,
I am NOT perfect.

It amazes me how people sit around waiting for mistakes...
waiting to bring out the judgement,
as if they themselves are perfect.
Completely unflawed.

To them I say...
Get a fuckin' life.
Quickly.

I am young,
I'd be naive to think that at 21 I will never make another mistake in my life.
I know that I still have experiences to learn from.
Fuck-ups to make.
Is it intentional?
No.

But even in my wildest dreams, I'd never want to be perfect.

Lately, I haven't been feeling it...

The feelings that I once had seem as if they are withering away.
Feelings that seem so recent...that seem so fresh,
withering away like a dying rose.
But just as the rose, the love is still beautiful...even while withering.

As I sit here re-reading all the things I felt, I fell...
they begin to sound unfamiliar.
The love I described for him...
can it be leaving so soon?
Communication has died...
and in came someone new.
Someone to distract me...
someone else to admire me, flaws and all.
Like HE used to.

What is this love that I have approached?
An unexpected twist.
What happened to those feelings of forever?
What happened to our bond?

I love him, still...
with every breath I take I still do love him.
But is it the same?
Is it the love where all I can imagine is being with him?
Is he the first and last person on my mind every day?
Is he my fairytale ending?
No.
No, he is not.

& how do I feel about it?
That...that is where I am lost.
Lost for words.
I can't believe that in a few months...
I have given up.
Given up on US.


Almost replaced those beautiful dreams with someone else.
Dreams that I wanted so bad to come true.
Even while withering,
I will not throw him away.
I will not give up on him, as a person.

But sometimes...
Sometimes, I wish I could remove the rest of the feelings.
Because now, all love is clouded by confusion.
My mind tells me to just mark him off as yet another failed attempt at love.
But my heart?
My heart...is screaming, screaming and fighting to never let him go.
The heart is blind, it knows not of his flaws.
It knows not of our dilemma...
All it knows is what it feels when he's in the picture.
Better than anything or any person has ever made it feel.
Blind to the foolishness, holding on so tight.
But my mind...
My mind knows better.
Knows that logically...he should have been erased.
Knows that I deserve better.

But what do I listen to...what should I trust to lead me?
The age old question- do I go with my heart or my mind?

Again, I'm awaken from a beautiful dream...

Sometimes when I wake up,
I wish I hadn't.

I wish that God would have spared me...and just let me live in the dream.
In my beautiful dreams of perfection.

Sometimes...I just don't want to be here.

Sad right?
Yea, I know.
I never really confess that to anyone.

Never really talk about what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling that way.

But today?
Today, I will.

I feel stuck.
Like I'm drowning in this point of my life.
Like I'm at a stand still...
like my dreams will never come true.

I remember this beautiful life plan that I made when I was in elementary.
One that consists of an awesome career, an amazing husband, beautiful and healthy children,...all living in the home of my dreams happily ever after.
A life plan that has never changed.
A life plan that I thought would be easy to achieve.
I guess I used to think just because I said it, it would happen.
Just because it's what I've wanted since forever...that it would be given to me.
I never worried about what if it doesn't happen.
What if I don't make it in the career field I've dreamed of?
What if I never meet that awesome man?
....

What starts to happen when your dreams fall apart?

Here I am, in college...
Still working towards those dreams.
But more and more they begin to seem unrealistic.
Like I'll never achieve them.

In my mind, I'm not trying hard enough.
But how hard can you really try in Arkansas.
What would I be able to do with my journalism degree here?
Nothing...well nothing that would fit in to my dream career.
So, here?
Here...I am miserable.
Each and every day.

But I wake up, and smile.
Dress up. Attend class.
Pretend...that everything is peachy.
When, for the most part, I feel stuck.
And I hate it.

As soon as my funds are right, I'll be on the first plane out of this place.

But then I get this scary thought,
What if it isn't just Arkansas that makes me feel like this?

What if it's deeper?
Man...I pray that it's just this place, this city, this state.

I refuse to end up like everyone else here.
Settling.
I just refuse.

Him again...

I have a fear of running out of words.

Even as I sit here now....
my mind an empty canvas.

Well, almost empty.
Besides the fact that HE is there.
He is always there.

Lately, I've been having the strangest dreams about him and I.
Dreams of a broken forever.
Those of a more realistic nature.
Last night?
Last night I dreamed about his wedding.
About me sitting on the second row, middle pew...smack dead in the center.
Crying my eyes out as his future wife walked down the aisle to greet him.

In my mind Congratulations by Vesta Williams was playing.

"Congratulations...
I thought it would have been me.
Standin’ here with you,
Congratulations...
I hope you’re happy.

‘Cause as long as I can breathe
You’ll always be the one for me."

It was all so surreal. The weird thing though....75percent of my tears were of joy. Happy that he had found someone to settle down with...someone he was willing to love properly. Even if it wasn't me.

Crazy.
I've never sat down and seriously thought about marrying him.
Not at all really....it only comes in my dreams.
My dreams are never just normal dreams when it comes to him.
It's either one extreme or the next.

Regardless, he frequents them often.

Sometimes I wish I never fell in love with him.
Just so that I wouldn't miss him so much.

I keep replaying 2 certain occasions when I wished my decision was different. Freshman year. What if I would have said yes when he asked did I want him to cut everyone else off? What if I had said yes, I only want it to be me? And what if I would have stayed...stayed when he asked me not to change colleges? Stayed and lived in this twisted fairytale he had planned out? " There will be room in my closet for you...and I'll have a drawer or something at your place." What if ....I let it all play out.

Man.
Sometimes I can't help but feel like I sabotaged this.
This...tale of love.
All because I was damaged.

Am I damaged now?
Am I doing the same thing to the new guy?
Probably.
Definitely.
But I can't help that I stay on past loves for SO long.
Especially this time.
Because  whatever we have hasn't really ended.
Maybe it needs to.

I'm happy with this.
BUT still, I dream of more.
Wanna be here, in his life...
but still, I DREAM of more.

I love him...
Infatuated even.
Obsessed...
and addicted.

I want him here...
I need him here.
More than anything I wish I had done things differently.
Maybe my dreams would be closer to coming true.

The importance of titles...

Yo.

So what's on the menu for today's discussion?
What's on my mind?
Titles.
As in titles for relationships.

So....
How important are titles?

For me? They are extremely important. I put titles on everything, and everyone. Seriously. My best friend asked why I always had to label everything...she said it was one of my problems. And I agree..completely. That doesn't mean that it will change though.

To me, titles are everything.
Excuse me but I just don't get being involved in something, having EVERY relationship privilege...with absolutely no title. What is the point of that? Have you just gotten too comfortable in the space that you are that it would be pointless to be IN A relationship? Instead you rather be with someone who you spend all your free time with, going out, hanging out, fucking, even loving....but don't want to be IN a relationship? Ladies, that's bullshit. I know that most of you want to be...but the guy is usually the problem.You're too busy tip-toeing around what he feels, what he thinks,and what he wants. What about what you want? What you need?

 Ladies, why are we constantly selling ourselves short?
 And yes, I said we.

I am not above the title-less love position.
From previous post, you can obviously tell that I've been there, done that.
BUT, I wasn't offering everything I would as a girlfriend.
Never have, never will.
But too many times I've gotten awfully close.
Wanting to be ALL in.
To cook, to "trick" on him, to go that extra mile everyday to remind him that I love him.
Yea, things that I've never really done for anyone.
But I wanted to for him....
and then I reminded myself, I am not the girlfriend.
Don't make yourself so readily available like you are the girlfriend.
As someones girlfriend, it's a completely different game for me.
As a girlfriend, my behavior will change, for the better.

If I'm not good enough to ever make it to girlfriend, there are some experiences you just won't ever get to sample. And it means that you never really deserved them anyway.

Really sit back and examine your situation. Are you in a title-less love? Do you like it being title-less? How long has it been? Why don't you have a title? Why are you not good enough?

For me, in my situation...I asked.
I asked him about why when he was here why was I never considered for girlfriend.
His answer?
" I knew I was moving. And I'm not good with distance."
Simple enough. Bullshit answer if you ask me.
He wasn't ready for a girlfriend, for so many obvious reasons.
Period. I didn't trip about it.
It is what it is.
I never gave all the girlfriend privileges anyway...it's never been like that with us.
So IN my head, my situation is different.

Why would you agree to hide something that you've put so much work into? Why really agree to giving all the privileges? What's to offer when it's time to go further? What would really change? If your doing relationship shit and getting relationship benefits...what is keeping you from getting/giving the title?

Someone please explain it to me? Girlfriend is not wife.
Why not give it a go? Try something new....
Because if both parties were really feeling each other as much as they think, they would be there.
Someone is being deceived.
Male or female...someone has the upper hand.
Don't settle for someone wanting to be a hoe...
why the fuck are they fucking with your heart then?
Or they might be scared? But to me...that isn't a valid excuse.
Sometimes it's worth it...sometimes going with the flow is what's best...
But...still I say, Move on.
Most situations as such end in a very ugly manner.
And someone is always left heartbroken...just don't let it be you.