Freak hoe...Wait

I've sat pondering too many times the difference between a freak and what people consider a hoe. Too many times coming up empty handed.

Wondering which I am categorized as.
But, for the first time I realized...it's just a matter of opinion.

I'm sure to some people, I'm a hoe.
A hoe because I'm with the freak shit.
Completely with the freak shit.
In each and every way.

I don't care that people know that I like freak shit, or that I even participate in freak shit.

Think of a freak.
I'm not the mediocre definition.
I'm the extended...

So if what I do sexually makes me a hoe and not who I'm doing...I guess I'm fucked.

Fucked because I enjoy the art of fucking...😒

Smh.

Judge away...

I have never claimed to be perfect...
Not one single day.
I, like everyone else, make mistakes.
Mistake after mistake.
In which I learn from, every time.
... every single time.
Am I proud of them?
No.
Am I ashamed of them?
Not at all.

Judge me if you must...
my mistakes have made me who I am.
Molded me into the person I am today.
Helped me see what not to do...
what I don't want to be.
They have helped transform me on so many levels.
Mentally, physically, emotionally...sexually,
I am NOT perfect.

It amazes me how people sit around waiting for mistakes...
waiting to bring out the judgement,
as if they themselves are perfect.
Completely unflawed.

To them I say...
Get a fuckin' life.
Quickly.

I am young,
I'd be naive to think that at 21 I will never make another mistake in my life.
I know that I still have experiences to learn from.
Fuck-ups to make.
Is it intentional?
No.

But even in my wildest dreams, I'd never want to be perfect.

Lately, I haven't been feeling it...

The feelings that I once had seem as if they are withering away.
Feelings that seem so recent...that seem so fresh,
withering away like a dying rose.
But just as the rose, the love is still beautiful...even while withering.

As I sit here re-reading all the things I felt, I fell...
they begin to sound unfamiliar.
The love I described for him...
can it be leaving so soon?
Communication has died...
and in came someone new.
Someone to distract me...
someone else to admire me, flaws and all.
Like HE used to.

What is this love that I have approached?
An unexpected twist.
What happened to those feelings of forever?
What happened to our bond?

I love him, still...
with every breath I take I still do love him.
But is it the same?
Is it the love where all I can imagine is being with him?
Is he the first and last person on my mind every day?
Is he my fairytale ending?
No.
No, he is not.

& how do I feel about it?
That...that is where I am lost.
Lost for words.
I can't believe that in a few months...
I have given up.
Given up on US.


Almost replaced those beautiful dreams with someone else.
Dreams that I wanted so bad to come true.
Even while withering,
I will not throw him away.
I will not give up on him, as a person.

But sometimes...
Sometimes, I wish I could remove the rest of the feelings.
Because now, all love is clouded by confusion.
My mind tells me to just mark him off as yet another failed attempt at love.
But my heart?
My heart...is screaming, screaming and fighting to never let him go.
The heart is blind, it knows not of his flaws.
It knows not of our dilemma...
All it knows is what it feels when he's in the picture.
Better than anything or any person has ever made it feel.
Blind to the foolishness, holding on so tight.
But my mind...
My mind knows better.
Knows that logically...he should have been erased.
Knows that I deserve better.

But what do I listen to...what should I trust to lead me?
The age old question- do I go with my heart or my mind?