Him again...

I have a fear of running out of words.

Even as I sit here now....
my mind an empty canvas.

Well, almost empty.
Besides the fact that HE is there.
He is always there.

Lately, I've been having the strangest dreams about him and I.
Dreams of a broken forever.
Those of a more realistic nature.
Last night?
Last night I dreamed about his wedding.
About me sitting on the second row, middle pew...smack dead in the center.
Crying my eyes out as his future wife walked down the aisle to greet him.

In my mind Congratulations by Vesta Williams was playing.

"Congratulations...
I thought it would have been me.
Standin’ here with you,
Congratulations...
I hope you’re happy.

‘Cause as long as I can breathe
You’ll always be the one for me."

It was all so surreal. The weird thing though....75percent of my tears were of joy. Happy that he had found someone to settle down with...someone he was willing to love properly. Even if it wasn't me.

Crazy.
I've never sat down and seriously thought about marrying him.
Not at all really....it only comes in my dreams.
My dreams are never just normal dreams when it comes to him.
It's either one extreme or the next.

Regardless, he frequents them often.

Sometimes I wish I never fell in love with him.
Just so that I wouldn't miss him so much.

I keep replaying 2 certain occasions when I wished my decision was different. Freshman year. What if I would have said yes when he asked did I want him to cut everyone else off? What if I had said yes, I only want it to be me? And what if I would have stayed...stayed when he asked me not to change colleges? Stayed and lived in this twisted fairytale he had planned out? " There will be room in my closet for you...and I'll have a drawer or something at your place." What if ....I let it all play out.

Man.
Sometimes I can't help but feel like I sabotaged this.
This...tale of love.
All because I was damaged.

Am I damaged now?
Am I doing the same thing to the new guy?
Probably.
Definitely.
But I can't help that I stay on past loves for SO long.
Especially this time.
Because  whatever we have hasn't really ended.
Maybe it needs to.

I'm happy with this.
BUT still, I dream of more.
Wanna be here, in his life...
but still, I DREAM of more.

I love him...
Infatuated even.
Obsessed...
and addicted.

I want him here...
I need him here.
More than anything I wish I had done things differently.
Maybe my dreams would be closer to coming true.

The importance of titles...

Yo.

So what's on the menu for today's discussion?
What's on my mind?
Titles.
As in titles for relationships.

So....
How important are titles?

For me? They are extremely important. I put titles on everything, and everyone. Seriously. My best friend asked why I always had to label everything...she said it was one of my problems. And I agree..completely. That doesn't mean that it will change though.

To me, titles are everything.
Excuse me but I just don't get being involved in something, having EVERY relationship privilege...with absolutely no title. What is the point of that? Have you just gotten too comfortable in the space that you are that it would be pointless to be IN A relationship? Instead you rather be with someone who you spend all your free time with, going out, hanging out, fucking, even loving....but don't want to be IN a relationship? Ladies, that's bullshit. I know that most of you want to be...but the guy is usually the problem.You're too busy tip-toeing around what he feels, what he thinks,and what he wants. What about what you want? What you need?

 Ladies, why are we constantly selling ourselves short?
 And yes, I said we.

I am not above the title-less love position.
From previous post, you can obviously tell that I've been there, done that.
BUT, I wasn't offering everything I would as a girlfriend.
Never have, never will.
But too many times I've gotten awfully close.
Wanting to be ALL in.
To cook, to "trick" on him, to go that extra mile everyday to remind him that I love him.
Yea, things that I've never really done for anyone.
But I wanted to for him....
and then I reminded myself, I am not the girlfriend.
Don't make yourself so readily available like you are the girlfriend.
As someones girlfriend, it's a completely different game for me.
As a girlfriend, my behavior will change, for the better.

If I'm not good enough to ever make it to girlfriend, there are some experiences you just won't ever get to sample. And it means that you never really deserved them anyway.

Really sit back and examine your situation. Are you in a title-less love? Do you like it being title-less? How long has it been? Why don't you have a title? Why are you not good enough?

For me, in my situation...I asked.
I asked him about why when he was here why was I never considered for girlfriend.
His answer?
" I knew I was moving. And I'm not good with distance."
Simple enough. Bullshit answer if you ask me.
He wasn't ready for a girlfriend, for so many obvious reasons.
Period. I didn't trip about it.
It is what it is.
I never gave all the girlfriend privileges anyway...it's never been like that with us.
So IN my head, my situation is different.

Why would you agree to hide something that you've put so much work into? Why really agree to giving all the privileges? What's to offer when it's time to go further? What would really change? If your doing relationship shit and getting relationship benefits...what is keeping you from getting/giving the title?

Someone please explain it to me? Girlfriend is not wife.
Why not give it a go? Try something new....
Because if both parties were really feeling each other as much as they think, they would be there.
Someone is being deceived.
Male or female...someone has the upper hand.
Don't settle for someone wanting to be a hoe...
why the fuck are they fucking with your heart then?
Or they might be scared? But to me...that isn't a valid excuse.
Sometimes it's worth it...sometimes going with the flow is what's best...
But...still I say, Move on.
Most situations as such end in a very ugly manner.
And someone is always left heartbroken...just don't let it be you.

Can I tell you something?...

Today, I'm doing a 10-1. Things have changed since my first one....

Remember, the 10 to 1 is basically writing down the 10 things I wish I could say to 10 different people but...cant, won't or just haven't. And I don't say who they are :)



To the woman that my prayers have always been reserved for:
Quick tempers.
Sugarless words.
Frequent fists.
Replaying in my new found years of maturity. Years of understanding. Perfection was expected; nothing less accepted. Love disguised by a desire to breed the best. For then, for now, for the future...thank you, I needed it, all.

To my title-less love, the man of my frequently subconscious desires:
part of me hopes this lasts forever.
Beyond forever.
This? This romance, this friendship...this bond.
You frequent my dreams and I allow those images to take control.
Even if no one else ever understands, my love is with you for this lifetime. My lifetime. Your lifetime. Remember through it all, you got me.

To the creator of all souls, the father of all minds:
I need you.
I always have.
I tend to lose sight of what is important to me...sometimes all I have is you.
All my darkest confessions lye with you.
Please help me to overcome the things I can't seem to shake. Keep me guided in the right direction...and if I start to stray please reach down and remind me where I'm headed.

To the new man, slowly trying to tip-toe into my heart:
Be careful. I am broken, handle me with care.
Be patient for those times that I forget that someone loves me.
Fight harder in those times when I will push you away.
Communicate and trust me. I am stronger than I appear.
& remember: I no longer believe in fairy tales.

To the one before the last,"something to do when there's nothing to do"... Number 9 if you will:
I hope you knew what it was when we started.
I hope you knew that I was only interested in one thing...and for your sake I hope you were too.
It wasn't what I'm used to, no where near it. So I'm over it. You had your one shot... and my thoughts?
On to the next...

To the past, the one's who never made it:
It takes a certain type of person to deal with me.
You didn't measure up.
Or maybe it was I..I who didn't measure up. 
It's not your fault...it never was.
I'm sorry.
Part of me wishes, the smallest part---that something would have worked. That maybe I wouldn't be so scarred,...so close to heartless.

To the neglected spirit of my genes:
I have been acting as if you never existed.
I used to speak to you everyday when you first left me,
Correction: When you first came back in my life for eternity.
Somewhere between this hell and heaven, my words got lost.
Maybe I'm ashamed to still be in the same place...
I love you. & I know these genes weren't passed on to become nothing.
Next time I speak with you, I will be doing better. No excuses.

To the one soul that may possess the most faith in me:
My personal little angel.
Thank you for always being here...even when my emotions surpass alone.
Thank you for having my back when the world turned theirs.
Thank you for loving me, unconditionally.
& Thank you most for encouraging me to be better, better than anyone expected. With my heart, mind,and soul...I love you.

To the one who I am supposed to confide to:
Sometimes, I don't want to talk about serious issues.
Too worried that I'm being judged for certain situations.
And I know...I know I shouldn't feel like it.
I know I should just rant and ramble my life away..
that is what your here for. But sometimes...I just don't want to.
Sometimes I rather write, write where I can't be judged


To the root of it all, the over-analyzer... the corrupt dreamer:
We've come along way.
I've watched as we've grown from naive little girl, to a beautiful knowledge-seeking young lady.
The things that were once important to you, have been replaced by real issues.
The things that you never understood are suddenly becoming clear as day. We have a long journey, this is only the beginning. Continue to grow. When we look back on it all, hopefully our dreams will have finally become reality. And I'll look at you with my best smile and nod " You go girl."

Sincerely,

The mind of the dreamer with the corrupt heart, who has finally been pry-ed open

Love, move over...

I'm convinved that I worry too much about love.

Much like most people, failure/rejection is my biggest fear.
In every sense of the word.

I fear that maybe I won't find my "one".
I fear being alone at the end of forever.
I fear not having someone to grow old with...
I fear never becoming someone's wife.

I think too much about it all.
Too much about who forever will really mean forever with.

I should be focused more on taking steps towards my career.
Getting internships, traveling, freelance writing to get my words seen...
But most times?
Love consumes me.

Love is first in my life.
Forever has been, probably forever will be.
I hate being a hopeless romantic.
Hate it with a passion.

Even when it may appear that I'm "alone", I'm loving someone...
Loving someone, somewhere..with my all.

I have too many goals for love to be number one.
There will forever be time for love...
but opportunities, career-wise?
Come and then in the blink of an eye, you've missed your big chance.

Let's rearrange my priorities:
1.Build a better relationship with God.
2. Focus more on graduating.
3. Slowly begin to tip-toe into the writing feild.
4. Figure out where you need to be to best accomplish what you want. {State/City}
5. Build a better foundation for yourself. {Support system}
6. Figure out what exactly you want in this man of my future "forever".
7. Take it slow, live your life...
8. When the correct love shows up, don't push it away. Be accepting; be open for change.

Now, if only love would just take a hike for a while.
Wishful thinking.

Some of us are just vain...

Yo.

A guy made a statement.

A dumb ass statement if you ask me. Stating that girls who take a lot of pictures and post them to social networks are clearly insecure.

I wanted to hear why he felt that way. It turned into a debate.

They are social networks. Facebook in particular. Is it not for sharing pictures? Sharing opinions? Socializing?

I rather someone call me a shallow bitch than insecure…especially for a dumb reason.

I’m vain. & Yes, I like looking at myself.

I LOVE taking pictures, and occasionally I like sharing them.

Never to get approval from anyone.

Never in search of comments/reblogs.

Smh at the ignorance in his statement.

At the end of every day, the only opinion that matters on that subject is my own.

I’m bomb, and I KNOW this.

{P.S- I’m sick as fuck…the reason for the cough drop.}

Muah.