Letter to MY {Love}-r:

My tragically gorgeous,

My how things have changed. I remember when we first met. How I didn't really want to be there. I remember my first thoughts."Who the hell flirts by asking if I'm horny because I'm twirling my hair?"...but if you would've asked me back then where I saw us, if I saw an us....'Never' would easily have parted my lips. But somehow you made your way into my bed, inside of me. Made me forget my pain in life. I guess you were my pain killer. When you slipped inside of me...nothing mattered. Life issues disappeared. When you whispered in my ear, all attention was on you. All I felt was pleasure.

I remember wanting you often. Just to take my mind off of things. How selfish I was. Only thinking of me.

I remember that I didn't want you to love me. I didn't want you to be hurt by the monster that lives inside of me. And even if you thought I never took your feelings in consideration, they were always on my mind. Understand ...that at the time I thought it was best to push you away. I thought you'd do better in someone else's life. I didn't need to be loved...because ultimately I knew I would just hurt you. & that was never my goal.

Remember when you told me you loved me. I didn't believe it. I didn't believe that you knew what you were saying...that you didn't KNOW me. So I refused to get caught up in what I thought was just words.

I remember when I walked into Arkansas Hall and saw you with another girl. Looking like you were escorting her from your room. The sharp sting I felt. Remember telling myself to shake it off....not to look phased. It's when I realized that I more than just liked you. More than just wanted to feel you inside of me.
Remember that you came to my room. Pacing. To apologize. How cute I thought it was. Sweet that I meant that much.

But still, I remained a bitch. An asshole. For protection. I didn't have any more pieces of my heart that could risk getting broken. And for that I apologize.(You were always better than him. Even when I couldn't see.)
I still think that night that you came to my room with the 3 movies you rented for us randomly....was the sweetest thing tht anyone has ever done for me. That night it hurt me to turn down your attempts. But, I was still in protection mode.

I didn't want to be just another number to you. I was so afraid to be hurt again, that I didn't allow you to love me. Love me like I needed.
Even when we stop communicating, you worked your way back into my life. Made me realize how deep this really was...how deep this really is. And for that, I thank you. Thank you for your consistency. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to truly fall for you. Well...grow. Grow to the highest form of love I've ever experienced. And even with all of my craziness, thank you for accepting me. As Robyn. Flawed and all. Thank you for being the only person that I can be myself with, comfortably...and completely.

If I could take back my antics, I would in a heartbeat. Blind to your love the first time around...blind to your beauty. If I knew that we were on a time limit, it would've been different. But then again...I guess thats what I was afraid of. Afraid of letting you in, only for you to leave me.
Now that your gone...I need you more than ever. So many words unsaid. So many feelings unshared. Soooo many tears cried...because I don't want it to be goodbye. Not forever.

2208 miles away, and still you consume my thoughts. Holding them hostage. I could look at you all day, without you saying a word...and still be entertained. Kiss you in your sleep for an eternity. Watch you talk, listen to you laugh. Be a part of your silliness. All day every day...and I'd never get bored.

And our sex? It can get no better. The way my body reacts to your touch.  Melts from your kisses. Responds to your thrust. Craves for your words. Drips from our passion.

Lover, lover...please stay with me for a lifetime. Stay with my heart, make your home in my soul. I promise never to let you go. Promise for a lifetime. I love you more than all words could express, and know that OUR forever isn't up yet...

I know....I need to get out of my damn feelings!

Yo.

Lately I've been all in my damn feelings. When I can find a way not to be I swear I will start blogging about regular shit again. Smh. Sooo, the person I talked about in my last two post...he's leaving. Moving away. To Portland. Agggeess away from Arkansas. And I? I am hella sad about this. HELLA!

Me and that boy...we've had too many feelings experienced in these past few years. Mannnn. For some reason it feels like goodbye to me. I can't help but thinking what if this is the last time I see him. The last memories we'll ever have. It's fucking me up. Mentally. I'm destroyed. Just when I am IN love with him...with everything about him. When I've learned to accept the things that I can not and would never change. When I felt myself wanting to be his, more than the world. He's leaving. Damn.

Buttt...he's leaving to do better. Do better than Arkansas. And I want nothing more than to see him suceed. To see him reach his dreams...his goals, whether that be with or without me. I know that he can do it...if he stays focused on what he wants. I know that he can. And I hope that he does.

But I can't help tht my heart is selfish. That she wants him to stay here...stay close, to love me. To love me with the best of his ability. To see his face on a regular....to touch his body. To have his pleasure. The bliss that I feel when I'm in his presence. I want that. He's supposed to be my lover for a lifetime. Our lifetime isn't up. And i need my lover. Badly.

I don't really know how this is going to go when he leaves. But I hope the love doesn't deteriorate. I couldn't handle it. And this goodbye in a few days?....is going to tear me the fuck apart. I'm trying to brace myself. Trying to prep myself...not to let the tears fall. Not to let the pain show.

Fuck. I knew I shouldn't have fallen. I knew better...but his love made me lose all logic. And now I'm in too deep. Committed in my mind. I love that boy. This is not the last post about him...stay tuned. Smh.

{Muah}