Update: Funeral and My Shawty

Yo.
Okay, so I'll be back to my regular posting now.Thanks for all the comments under my last post. The actual funeral? Complete hell on me. I mean I've only cried at one funeral in my life and even then it was controlable. This time?...Nonstop and they actually had to drag me out of the funeral view...crazy right? I leaned in to kiss him and he was just so....hard and cold. That seriously fucked my mind up. Ughh, anywho no more details of that day. I got reaquainted with that side of my family...oh how I love those fools! Anywho...my life is pretty much at a stand-still right now.

This little purple monkey here is my love, Shawty[He named him that jokingly bc he used to say that word too much]. My ex won him for me at the fair during our relationship. It meant sooo much to me. No one has ever "won" anything for me...so I thought it was really sweet. I had him for a little over a year....then I had to get rid of him.

He meant TOO much to me. Everytime I looked at him that memory would come back...and many others. && that I can not deal with . Stuffed animals never mean much to me..but this one did..and he had to go. What do you do with past loves items that they have given you? Do you throw them away or keep them tucked away out of sight. I have too many other things...odd things to remind me of him. But none with the same effect as Shawty. So to my little Shawty, Im sorry sweetheart but you were a thing of the past..no point in hanging on to you anymore. Toodles.

TTYL Daddy:

Yo.
Ok...so my last post totally fucked itself up! ANYWHO....um, I havent really been up on my blog. Going through too much..and now I've lost my father. I'm posting my facebook letter on here...just to subsitute for not posting. Sorry you all. I will be back to my normal posting here soon!

Daddy,


I always wondered how I would feel when this day came…but I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this so soon. I thought I had time…time to rebuild a relationship. When I got the news, everything around me froze. Total silence…As feeling started to rush back into my body, I sat there trying to keep my face dry; trying to appear strong. The tears yelled “Fuck you”, and came down anyway. It was all so surreal. Not now Daddy. Not Now! I never got to say goodbye.

After hearing what took place; what led to your murder… I thought “This all could have been avoided.” But of course Mr. Hot-head can’t keep his words or his hands to himself. I can’t blame the others involved…nor God. I only can blame you Daddy; YOU because you had many opportunities to turn your life around…to get it together. Too many near death situations and still…you didn’t wake up. Same shit new day right Daddy? Well not today Daddy. Today you’re gone…Gone and how do I feel?

Out of my 19 years on this earth, 10 you spent steadily in my life. 10 years of constant memories and then you disappear. Come back in my life momentarily only to disappear again. It’s not enough to know when I graduate, my birthday, and what I was like as a child. It’s not enough, Daddy. You wondered why I never really talked to you as I got older. Well…I couldn’t deal with having a daddy that loves me when it’s convenient for him. Loves me enough to stay in life for a month or two and disappear for a year. Each time getting my hopes up high thinking maybe you would stay for the long run. Daddy…I just couldn’t deal with you being less than part-time.

All I have to go by is the man I knew when I was a child…the man I adored. How hard you fought to stay in my life when my mother was so insistent on having you out. How much you went out of your way slipping money under the door, leaving toys on the porch. Coming by on Sundays and taking us to the park, out to get pizza, and all the junk food a child could ask for. Always smiling and joking..playing and laughing. Loving…like a father should be. I missed that…and sometimes wished I could have pressed rewind. Pressed rewind to when giving up was not in your vocabulary when it came to being there for me and Ilysha. When did it become easier to walk away Daddy?

Tears flood from my eyes because I never got to show you that under all the bitterness I loved you…more than you could ever imagine. I didn’t want you to leave without knowing that I cared Daddy. I wanted to be at the hospital to keep you company in your last hours. I needed to hear you tell me not to worry…that everything was going to be fine. But I didn’t. You left me. How am I supposed to feel? What about me Daddy...What about me?

All I know is wherever you are it has to be better than here for you. It has to be less stressful, less hard on you. You have to be happier. And now….I can finally reach you whenever I need you. God needed you. I needed you. Now, I finally have you…In my life where you belong. No more running away. No more fear. No more worrying about you. I love you Daddy! Until next time…[Muah]!

Ok..TOODLES!

Tat that pussy up...wth?

Yo.
Ok, now off that depressing shit. Thanks to all my lovely followers. Ive been going through my shit...and now Im feeling a tad bit better. My "Flaw" post will be a continuous thing and yes anyone who wants to use the idea can! :) I'm glad I can inspire and uplift some of you with my random post! Your feedback means sooo much too me. I'm trying to get caught back up on things in the Blog World. Sorry for my absence. Anywho...I came to talk about one specific thing that just urks the hell out of me.

My sister was telling me about how one of her friends [a senior in high school] went and got a tattoo on her bikini line that read "{enter her boyfriends name here}"! They are not married..nor engaged. Havent even been dating for a full year and she went and got his name tatted. Did he get her name on him somewhere?...HELL NAW! I fuckin' hate when people do dumb shit like that. Too many times I've seen this and I just think its the silliest decision a young girl can make. I understand that it is always a way to get it removed but why do tht to your body? WHY do people go out and do this? To prove to their mates how much they love them? To show that they are the only ones in that pussy? Why go that far for someone who isnt willing do the same? And when he leaves..when something goes wrong your stuck with his name damn near on your pussy. Smh, complete sillilness. The only way I can see it being ok to get his name tatted is if he puts a ring on it...and you have a marriage license in hand! Then and only then is that ok! There are not enough words I can say to truley show how disgusted I am with this whole concept. Smh at these silly hoes! [If you are one of them...please explain why you got it?]....Smh! Toodles!

Just one of those days...

Yo.

I've been writting full blogs for the past week and just cant make myself push the publish button. One reason and one reason only; they have all been about the same thing, the same person. Valentines Day someone contacted me.[Mind you Valentines Day marked our exact one year mark since our last date, since our last...everything.]
 During the conversation he threw in " I miss you". An " I miss you" that I just didnt need to hear. I wrote so many letters, wrote all my existing feelings..wrote out all my fantasies that came about from our chatting. I have let it seriously fuck with my mind for the last week. I rather not go into complete detail over the short conversation because I want his words to be kept to myself. I love him....I truley love him from the bottom of my heart but I can not have him. CAN NOT and no matter what i say or do their is nothing I can do to change that. It's best that I keep my sanity and not contact him. But I miss him...I miss everything about him. But I'm sure life will work itself out for the best. Being left alone with my thoughts helped me to realize that maybe....we arent the best fit. Maybe we arent the best couple. He was not meant to marry me...He was not THE one. BUT, I will never truley be over him until I find someone who takes my thoughts about him away. Until he is just a far memory that comes up every once and a while...not everyday. [*sigh*] Why do I still care about him? Why can't our memories just dissapear?! [No reason to respond..]

Super quick update:

Yo.
Yes, yes I know Im slacking. Completley. Ive actually been pretty busy with life and discissions. More than likely I'll be doing a lot of mobile blogging this week. Random thoughts and serious thoughts. Some of my blog post just never make it to my blog...smh, something is wrong with the communication between my phone and the internet. Anywho....Saints won. Of coarse I was going for them...anyone who wasnt...um, how do you feel? lol....I love that this is their first time at the Superbowl..and they won.! Yah! One of my fav commercials was the Palamalu Commercial when they pulled him out of the stump like a groundhog...ughh I have a serious cruxh on that man. Mmmm, MMmm, MMmm. Not to mention Reggie Bush was some beautiful eye candy to keep me going through the game. Uhuh!
I'm up to 101 followers! Aghhhh![definitely an understatement.]! I'm sooo happy to be at 100. I appreciate that people actually like to hear what I have to say!
Anyone going Natural, I could use hair style ideas for short hair. I havent cut all my permed ends yetbut um, I cut some of them..and this hair is getting to hard to manage. Smh. But I'm liking it right now!
Ok, Clearly Im kind of rushing right now[Sorry]...I have to leave to go back to school now. SMh, how I  HATE that school with a passion. Yeap..Ok, I will be checking in soon. Toodles!

Fw:Flaw #1

Yo.
I'm not a big fan of people picking at themselves... but everyone knows their flaws.

I have the tendency to shut people out. ALL people. No matter how close I'm supposed to be with someone ,I wont say too much of anything. My best friends for example: I hardly go to them when I have a problem. They come to me and ask whats wrong....even then I hardly share. & It's not that I dont feel comfortable with them, most times I just rather stress alone. & Most times people can't and won't say the right things to make it better or make it go away. It eventually becomes a huge downfall and ultimately the demise of my serious relationships. Im kind of backwards though. When I'm just "in-like" with someone I wont hold my tongue on anything. Meaning everytime they say something I have my input and a story to relate..but as soon [and i do mean AS SOON] as I start to like them a tad bit more I completly shut down. I dont share life stories and experiences and I hardly share my opinion on too much of anything. When asked important questions relating to emotion I can not answer them outloud...but I could write them in a heartbeat. I could put most of my feelings in a long ass txt or letter and send it. [which i hardly do]...but my effort of writting to open up goes unnoticed. If i cant verballly open up to them...things seem to go wrong. Which i understand, you cant really have a txt relatinship. but...i dont know hw to fix it; i dont know how to open up without writting. I tried again and again...but nothing works. I dont like people completly inside of my head. I really hope to overcome this because I'm sure it will continue to be nothing but an extreme problem. Any tips? Ok....Toodles!