Just one of those days...

Yo.

I've been writting full blogs for the past week and just cant make myself push the publish button. One reason and one reason only; they have all been about the same thing, the same person. Valentines Day someone contacted me.[Mind you Valentines Day marked our exact one year mark since our last date, since our last...everything.]
 During the conversation he threw in " I miss you". An " I miss you" that I just didnt need to hear. I wrote so many letters, wrote all my existing feelings..wrote out all my fantasies that came about from our chatting. I have let it seriously fuck with my mind for the last week. I rather not go into complete detail over the short conversation because I want his words to be kept to myself. I love him....I truley love him from the bottom of my heart but I can not have him. CAN NOT and no matter what i say or do their is nothing I can do to change that. It's best that I keep my sanity and not contact him. But I miss him...I miss everything about him. But I'm sure life will work itself out for the best. Being left alone with my thoughts helped me to realize that maybe....we arent the best fit. Maybe we arent the best couple. He was not meant to marry me...He was not THE one. BUT, I will never truley be over him until I find someone who takes my thoughts about him away. Until he is just a far memory that comes up every once and a while...not everyday. [*sigh*] Why do I still care about him? Why can't our memories just dissapear?! [No reason to respond..]

Re: In the mind of "a cheater"

Yo.
Ok, before I even state the topic at hand I know that throughout this post I will manage to sound like a complete hypocrite while contradicting almost every statement I make. But hopefully by the end of the post you will at least understand MY OPINION. ! Ok, so today I am basically responding to Bubbles over at  irant. idance. iwrite. She recently wrote a post titled "In the mind of a cheater"[See it *HERE*] and I would like to respond. I'm sure people will disagree...all the more reason to comment! :) ! She discussed why cheaters cheat and her whole point of view on cheating. Now I feel compelled to discuss mine. Now in no way do I condone cheating. At all, get that straight before I start to express any feeling on the topic.

So...Why do cheaters cheat? Why did I cheat? <--- [Her first question]
Well there are two reasons that cheaters cheat. It is either an emotional need or a physical need. People tend to say the reasons are based on the gender, but cheating is not to be narrowed down to a gender. Men cheat. Women cheat. People...People just cheat. Both reasons can be broken down into many things. The cheater could be lacking what they need from their partner emotionally: attention, affection, communication...etc. OR the total opposite. The cheater could be getting emotionally smothered by their partner where they just need room to breathe. Thus comes the third person [the person the cheater cheats with]. That person might give them all the compliments in the world, might make time for them when their partner seems to never have any. OR could be the one that doesn’t bother them, the one who gives them as much space as possible, an outlet when the person feels smothered in the relationship...etc. A physical need? The cheater's partner could be lacking in the sex department, isn’t willing to do certain things, just plain boring...etc. OR the person could LOVE their partner’s sex and just yearn for more, looking for "Ms. Right now","Ms. How I like it","Ms. No-strings". Basically being just to be fucking. I could go on forever and ever on reasons why people cheat. But moving on...Why did I cheat?
Hmmm, well like Ms.Bubbles said "I don’t know." I don’t know meaning...things were going well in the relationship but one night I slipped he wasn’t there and I was horny. Simple and as plain as that...meaning "It just happened." people always ask “How the fuck does that just happen?"...Well, you’re in a room with someone...your hormones are all over the place...and you know you want sex. [Right here is your place to be strong enough to walk away or like I was told "not put yourself in this situation in the first place"] But since I already had put myself there when the touching and shit started happening...IT JUST HAPPENED. Plain. Simple. I fought the urge...but still it happened. I asked the first person who cheated on me “What the fuck do you mean it just happened? Did I not cross your mind? Was it not enough to stop you from fucking her?"...and when I cheated I asked myself the same question. And sadly...I did think about him, I thought about him before, I thought about him during, I thought about him after...after while I cried. I thought about him the whole way. Why didn’t my thoughts stop me...why didn’t they stop me from hurting him? Because...I knew what I wanted, what it felt like I NEEDED that night to feel better. I knew that I was a bad person.
So why did I cheat?--Because that night I lacked self-control...because that night all I wanted was pleasure....and he was not there to give it to me.

Now people say once a cheater always a cheater. Well...I will not cheat again. Because it honestly destroyed me. It destroyed me as a person, and left me in a place where I never want to be again. It got to a point where I felt like I was begging him to stay with me "Give me another chance" and all that dumb bullshit I used to hate to see other girls do. And if you know me...you know that that is nowhere in Robyn's character to be that typical bitch. Nowhere...But because I knew I was in the wrong...because I knew I had so much to contribute to the breakup I felt like it was my job to fix the pain, no matter if I had to beg and plead. “Let’s crawl back to love.” ...When really fuck that, I don’t advise any woman to go there...let it be, let him beg you. When I say I cried my life into a puddle, it's no joke. Seconds after the cheating he called me. It was 4 in the morning. He called saying “So...you weren’t going to call me to say goodnight?"...Immediately tears rolled down my face, it took everything out of me to not break down and tell him how much of a bad person I was...and how he deserved better. It took so much out of me. I was crying outside listening to him talk about how much he loved me...and that he was sitting waiting for me to call. And wtf was I doing? Fucking someone of no importance to me. Just for that temporary high. Temporary highs lead to drastic lows. Later when we broke up he was admitting how he cheated and how it was bothering him to keep secrets from me and how bad he felt...and I thought I owed him the same honesty. So I told him, it hurt him. I felt...words can’t describe that hurt. After asking me why did I cheat and me answering it just happened, he said “See, you’re not giving me a reason. You say it won’t happen again but how could I stop it from happening again if there isn’t reason. I mean you could have said 'because it was Tuesday' and I would make it my business to stay on the phone w/ you 24 hours on Tuesdays. But you not having a reason...how could I fix that? What about the next time you’re horny and I’m not there?"...Wow. All I could say was “It won’t happen again."...he made a valid point. He shut any apology that I ever gave down. If you didn’t have a reason...what would stop you from cheating the next time? Because next time I WILL have self control...I will always remember that cheating damn near destroyed me.
Her next question was: What if you [the person being cheated on] cheated? Wouldn’t you want your mate to take you back?
Basically put yourself in their shoes. Well I'll give you my scenario. Once he told me he cheated...I was willing to take him back. I was willing to work with him through the flaws...I was willing to be there, and would have been willing even if I hadn’t cheated. [Love makes you do and accept some dumb ass shit.]His reaction to this was " I don’t think anyone has showed me they loved me this much, maybe [enter ex girlfriend before me name here], but not even she showed that she loved me this much. One day I am going to marry you." Sounds like he was happy right?...Now minutes later after I confessed it all changed. “Bye Robyn, just bye." and "Since you look at cheating as not such a big idea idk if I would want to marry anyone like that." BAM! POW. And all those other action words that would describe what was being done to my heart at the time. I was so confused. I mean here I was ready to work with you through your problem [because you cheated well over one time] and you could not/would not accept my one time cheating. Damn, should've kept my mouth shut. I do think cheating is a big deal...it's a huge deal actually. Anywho, putting myself in my partners shoes since I've cheated before...Would I take someone else back if they cheat on me? Ask the person who cheated "If I cheated on you...would you take me back?" If they say yes...proceed to make up a story about how you cheated [make it seem as real as possible]...just to get their REAL reaction, and go from there. If he/she was actually willing to be there with you sincerely, tell them you lied to get their reaction. And maybe those who would accept you...MAYBE they deserve ONE more chance, those who are like fuck you...then fuck them!
"I can say that cheaters don't mean to cheat. We don't go out of our way to hurt the people who love us."- Bubbles
With all of that said...give me your opinion on this whole thing?! I'd love to hear both sides...no matter what! :)! Toodles!

It's been a year :(

Yo.

Today is October 25, 2009. Exactly one year ago the love of my life [K.J] broke up with me. Yes this post might be a downer, but I write about what's on my mind. And this I NEED to write. All month I've been dreading this day, wondering how I would react...wondering would I cry. Wondering how far I've come...wondering so many things that should be far from my mind. I don’t like talking to people about him, because I know that by now I should have BEEN moved on. I know that...I’m stupid. The saddest part is probably how we broke up. How can you break up with someone you claim to love so much through a text message...and when they call to ask what the fuck is going on you don’t even have the decency to answer the phone?! Besides that, this post is to evaluate how far I've really come. So I guess I have to ask myself some questions. [How often do you think about him?]-*sigh* Every day, every single fucking day. [What do you think about?]*sigh* How much I miss him, how much he meant to me...how happy he made me, how i hope that he's ok.[Do you still cry over him?]*sigh* Sort of like I am now? Every once in a while I can’t help the tears. [Do you want him back?]...my heart says yes, but my mind says to answer NO. [Are you ok with how ya'll are?] Yes, I’m OK with not speaking with him. Yes I'm OK with not seeing him, Yes I'm OK. [Are you happy that he has moved on?] No. No I am not happy that he has moved on. BUT I am happy that he found HER. I am happy that he is in HER life...I am happy that he is happy! And yes that is the truth. This blog is no place for sugar-coating. I honestly believe that AT THIS TIME she might be a better girlfriend than I am. Yeah, and I never admit shit like that. So add up all the sadness with my happiness and you get content. So I’m content on how things happened. I have grown from it, and learned so much from him. Things that I didn’t know about me. I could sit here and verbally reminisce through our whole relationship, tell exactly what I love, what I didn’t love as much, and what went wrong on both behalves...but it would take a century...and leave me steps behind. You know i still have his text messages in my phone?! All of them...secretly saved in my drafts. Before the end of the day I hope I have the strength to delete them. He is not mine anymore, no point of hanging on to the "thinking about you's", the "missing you's", the "I love you's", or the "I love you mores’". No point in holding on so tightly to a past that has fought so hard to get away.


Simply, I miss him. Everything about him...no matter what anyone says he is a great person. Even if he is childish, a cheater, shallow or anything else everyone else wants to call him. Every now and then I feel the need to call/txt him...just to see how he is. To make sure he is ok. I've never been the type to be stuck on someone. After relationships end usually I have a list of new prospects by the next week. And with him...I can honestly say he was different...but in an all too similar way. His laughter haunts me, random images of him, his smiles, his phrases...they all follow me. Why is it so hard to escape this feeling?!.Compared to others it feels like my first time falling in love. Although I know this isn’t the case. Why am I so scared to try again?! Because I fell TOO hard, and it seems impossible to get back to where I was before him. IMPOSSIBLE.

So to what used to be MY Mr. Jones...I still love you, BUT I am truly happy to see you happy with HER. And to the new Mrs., Make sure you take care of him. Make sure that you don’t hurt him...Make sure that you love him as I loved him, Make sure he stays happy!

[TO MY READERS: I'm sorry. I will try to avoid the depressing shit...but this I couldn’t help....so until next time...TOODLES! ]

How guys approach women...or Maybe just me!

Yo.
Again....sorry for the lack of posting! These days I just don’t feel very motivated to do much of anything, anywho off the depressing shit. Today I'd just like to discuss something irritating me...


Today’s topic: How guys approach females...or maybe just me!

So recently I've decided to start taking numbers again. I told myself I was ready to get back into this whole dating scene...give someone a chance to make me feel like I have a heart again, you know?! [I had taken a LONG break from dating in fear of A LOT of things, but that’s for a different post.] Anywho since I've decided to date again I've been approached by soo many guys in soo many WRONG ways. And I've been approached by so many in a "supposed” right way, but still I’m not satisfied. Wrong ways include mentioning anything about my ass, tittys, or how you could fuck the hell out me if I let you. I mean seriously...who falls for crappy lines like "Girl...shit I'd do so many thangs to that body...so shit what's up?" Not I. It’s so many more lame lines all too similar to that that guys use to try to talk to me. When they come at me like that, off the bat they letting me know that they just want to fuck me. So in the back of my mind I appreciate their bluntness. I appreciate them letting me know what they want so that I won’t even waste my time. Now the other half of the guys comes with some sense. But they all sound the same. How many times have I heard “Hey beautiful" in the last few months? Too damn many. I mean if a guy approaches a female how beautiful she is should probably be in there somewhere, just to get a smile out of her. But I've heard it so many times that it all just seems so fake. It’s like they have two play books out. And guys are either choosing "How to get a hoodrat" or "How to get a lady". Now in my imagination these books are only available to men. And these books have all the lame lines in it to catch either a hoodrat or a lady. So those who come at me with that "Damn lil mama" shit, they've classified me as a hoodrat. The ones with the "Hey beautiful" have classified me as a lady. Either way they are all reading the same lame books and throwing the same lame lines.

Now all of my boyfriends in the past are FOR THE MOST PART guys who have chased me and were unsuccessful the first few times but never backed down. I love that chase! It lets me know you’re determined to be with me...does something to a woman’s ego. All of the ones boyfriend worthy have come at me in the most unique ways...and I like different. I hate hearing the same lines because it just never seems sincere anymore. All the guys who have my number always text "Hey beautiful" to start a conversation. Come at me with the sweetest lines...and even if they are sincere, it bothers me! I never really trust it... [Which I guess has more to do with my EXTREME trust issue with ALL guys-but I have my reasons!] So it's to the point where when guys try to talk to me/get to know me...it bothers the fuck out me. Seriously. I mean I’m thoroughly disgusted by most of their attempts. And I try not to be that bitch when they try to talk to me because in their mind their only giving me compliments...and who gets mad when their given compliments?! People who have heard all the lame excuses for approaches and just doesn’t want anyone else to try. I thought I was ready to be back in this...but it’s all just a game right now! I rather not let people get to know me, I don’t really care to get to know someone else...and I've been sex-free since MAY! :)! So why bother to talk to someone? The only reason I said I was truly ready was so that I can have someone heal my heart completely...to forget about my past...to move on, but I KNOW that I won’t let anyone get that close to me for a very long time.

Just because a guy successfully got my number means nothing! I mean I hardly save any of the numbers from these guys...so for the most part if they call/text I don’t respond because I don’t answer random numbers. Now if the number is saved it doesn’t necessarily mean their special either, it just maybe a number that I NEVER want to answer so I have to set specific ringtones like " Imma call you but if you come by I won’t call you. Ok? Don’t ever ever ever ever ever ever come by here...ok?" -Smokey from Friday! Yea, them specific "don’t answer the phone" ringtones. I haven’t really had interest in too much of anything lately...only being with my family. I’m withdrawn from the rest of the world...and suffer from a lack of motivation! Anywho this post was just me sharing my thoughts on how guys approach me. I don’t know exactly how I want to be approached; all I know is what I don’t want! P.S- I think my biggest pet peeve right now is guys who try to talk to me when I've had some sort of relationship with their best friend. [There is only one person on this exception list]...it makes me feel belittled. I mean it makes me feel like either you just think I’m a hoe or you know for a fact that your best friend had no feelings for me so it wouldn’t matter if you had a turn. Either way it sickens me. I mean why try to talk to me when your best friend and I had a serious relationship?! It makes me soooo mad. Anywho....until tomorrow
TOODLES.

Guys who don’t think they measure up down there/how girls have influence on how guys feel about their size.

Yo.


First thing, Sorry about the slacking with my posts! I will try to make this a daily blog...but sometimes I just don’t feel up to it. But hopefully my days will get better! Anywho, so I was talking to my brother :) and he suggested a really nice topic...So here goes.

ok..so this has nothing to do w/ the topic, just thought it was funny :)

Topic of the day: Guys who don’t think they measure up down there and how girls have influence on how guys feel about their size.

Ok. So this is such a touchy topic for a lot of guys. I've been with a guy who is a little insecure when it comes to the size of his dick. In my opinion he was just fine...all I needed! He wasn’t small, not HUGE...but not at all small! I never complained about the size of his dick, I didn’t even know he had a problem with his size until after we broke up. I asked him why he thought he didn’t measure up, why that silly thought was even crossing his mind when I had never complained. To find out the issue was based on what one of his previous exes had told him. He and the girl had gotten into an argument after they broke up one day at school. A very public argument and when she got at her maddest she yelled out those horrible words that no man would ever want to hear “That’s why you have a small dick anyway". Tragic! Of course in front of the public he dusted it off like it was nothing...but he took those few words to heart. & since then he had a problem with his size. When he shared that story with me I felt his pain. I mean, I knew his ex-girlfriend and I knew she was extremely childish! She was still very much in love with him and didn’t want to see him with anyone else. So when he wasn’t with her she took that below the belt shot at his pride. She won.

So after his story, I spent the rest of the night trying to convince him that he wasn’t small, but getting nowhere! [A tip for girls: When you’re trying to convince a guy that he isn’t small stay away from the phrase "It doesn’t matter about the size...as long as you can work what you have"...Trust me it only makes things worse.] I had never seen an insecure side of him, EVER! He always came off as so confident in everything...and he had that right. *"He walks like this cause he can back it up. He got a BIG ego -Beyonce" * I mean performance wise he was and still remains my best. He did it like no other, and it was all about pleasing me! But because some ex girlfriend said he was small he will always have doubt in my words. Doubt that he is the best. Why is that? Why will guys let those few little words take a toll on them? I mean if it’s only that one chick, that one time that has said it...why takes it to heart? Some guys say because that "one chick, that one time" is probably the only girl willing to be real with them. But if you know that you're giving pleasure to these girls...if you know that when you have sex with your partner you leave them CRAVING you...then why does the size issue come about?!

When females tell a guy his dick is small, for the most part it is out of anger. He could be 12 inches but when he makes her made enough she'll yell whatever it takes to HURT him...and that will most definitely hurt the strongest man! But the females that decide to yell that out of anger are childish anyway! All of them, no matter what the case, they are childish! If a girl just has to tell a guy that he is small that is not the way to do it. Personally size isn’t that MUCH of an issue. But it does matter, because there are some dicks that are just impossible to work with. Don’t even try to get in the bed with me if you only bringing 2 inches. That’s an insult to me! Smhh...It’s like dude wtf were you thinking?! Why even do this to yourself?! But guys don’t have to be 9 inches and above...6, 7, and 8...good workable sizes. 5? If you know how to work it then gone head do you. But 4 and under, I just can’t work with you, Sorry! [:(] Go out and buy some Extenze or one of those other male enhancement pills. No offense to you guys though. Because I have been with a "small" guy...and I just didn’t enjoy it...Guys with smaller dicks have more work to do. Pick your positions wiser...pick ones that off the bat give deeper penetration and maybe it will work!

Why let one girl ruin your ego, why base your size and performance on one girl/guys opinion? I mean why does that mean so much...especially if you know it was said out of anger? What could the next girl say to convince you guys that you aren’t small? That your performance is indeed extremely good? How do you handle situations like that? How do you tell a guy that he is too small in a nice way?! Just a few questions for you guys! Feel free to answer any of them! Leave me comments [it can be anonymous :)]! Tell me your opinion on this whole thing! Ok, until next time
....TOODLES!

Learning from the Past :)

Hello World.

So this is my first time blogging. Which also means this is MY first blog ever..and boy am I glad. A little bit about myself: Im a WRITER! I love writting everything from poems, short stories..heck I've even started a novel here and there. I also have a very strong passion for the arts. ARTS of every kind. Isnt it beautiful how one can capture life through a mere photograph or painting, drawing..etc! In this blog I will be discussing exactly what the title says. Life[which pretty much includes EVERYTHiNG], love, sex, and whatever else comes to my mind. Hopefully I am able to look back on this blog one day and say "BOY I'VE COME ALONG WAY"...Hopefully :)

So topic #1: Learning from the Past :

[Im sure this is a typical topic in blogs...but its just my thoughts on some recent things in my life :) --I'll try to stay away from typical subjects from here on out!]

       The best thing about the past may be the fact that from It more knowledge is gained. Through all mistakes some new knowledge should be learned. People say the worse mistakes are those from which nothing is learned. I am not a firm believer in the whole all things in life happen for a reason quote but in some cases I do find that it applies. In learning from a mistake that quote will definitely be applied; but serving the main purpose to really evaluate the problem and how you could have handled whatever the situation was better. But that quote can’t be applied to life in general. Because I refuse to believe that there is a reason that some people get raped, or commit suicide or the innocent are killed or prosecuted. I REFUSE to believe that life is really meant to be so cruel for some people. But that’s a totally different topic for a totally different day! The subject at hand for today is learning. Taking things from the past, even if it isn’t a regret and learning from it! School is not the only thing you should walk away from feeling more knowledgeable. Life in general should be a constant lesson. Everyday knowledge should be gained, whether intentional or accidental; Knowledge should be gained. Sometimes things don’t go as planned. Note it, and make a better effort to fix the problem so there will be no repeating the same mistake. Learn. Always take the opportunity to learn as much as possible. Knowledge is always useful and will always come in handy!

In my last relationship I walked away knowing far more than I had ever known before. And for my gained knowledge I appreciate and thank that young man. Although my heart is very much still with him I have finally accepted not being with him! I’ve evaluated the situation and found plenty of things I could have done different, or better! As I take this long overdue break from the dating world I’ve evaluated my personality. I know in order to be in a relationship with anyone I must first learn to be happy alone! Sometimes it can seem kind of hard, but there won’t always be someone there at the end of the night to share with, to bring a smile. So learn to find joy in yourself! I’ve also learned that saying sorry doesn’t solve problems. [People make it seem as if apologizing actually woks, like if I say sorry for hurting you things are all better. It’s so cliché, like a mothers kiss to a child’s wound, it’s all in the mind]. Some mistakes will never be able to be fixed, and those that can be aren’t easy to fix. It takes more than an apology. I also learned that we are in two different stages in life. And honestly his level might be more advanced than mine. My mind is still stuck in this fairytale lifestyle. Play play play, and dream is all I do. My mind is under construction to get to adulthood, but I like to dabble in childhood sometimes! I mean really what is the rush in growing up?! Anywho,off topic once more! I have learned a lot of thing in life..and every day when I think ive learned everything I possibly want to learn there is always something else! Something that I wonder how I ever went without knowing. I know it is cliché but knowledge is power. Without knowledge you will only grow physically never mentally!

Im on a journey to maturity [explains the url I chose :)]...and hopefully I'll have a few followers along the way. I hope to inspire, uplift, and entertain the thoughts of my readers! So til next time.............

Toodles!