TTYL Daddy:

Yo.
Ok...so my last post totally fucked itself up! ANYWHO....um, I havent really been up on my blog. Going through too much..and now I've lost my father. I'm posting my facebook letter on here...just to subsitute for not posting. Sorry you all. I will be back to my normal posting here soon!

Daddy,


I always wondered how I would feel when this day came…but I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this so soon. I thought I had time…time to rebuild a relationship. When I got the news, everything around me froze. Total silence…As feeling started to rush back into my body, I sat there trying to keep my face dry; trying to appear strong. The tears yelled “Fuck you”, and came down anyway. It was all so surreal. Not now Daddy. Not Now! I never got to say goodbye.

After hearing what took place; what led to your murder… I thought “This all could have been avoided.” But of course Mr. Hot-head can’t keep his words or his hands to himself. I can’t blame the others involved…nor God. I only can blame you Daddy; YOU because you had many opportunities to turn your life around…to get it together. Too many near death situations and still…you didn’t wake up. Same shit new day right Daddy? Well not today Daddy. Today you’re gone…Gone and how do I feel?

Out of my 19 years on this earth, 10 you spent steadily in my life. 10 years of constant memories and then you disappear. Come back in my life momentarily only to disappear again. It’s not enough to know when I graduate, my birthday, and what I was like as a child. It’s not enough, Daddy. You wondered why I never really talked to you as I got older. Well…I couldn’t deal with having a daddy that loves me when it’s convenient for him. Loves me enough to stay in life for a month or two and disappear for a year. Each time getting my hopes up high thinking maybe you would stay for the long run. Daddy…I just couldn’t deal with you being less than part-time.

All I have to go by is the man I knew when I was a child…the man I adored. How hard you fought to stay in my life when my mother was so insistent on having you out. How much you went out of your way slipping money under the door, leaving toys on the porch. Coming by on Sundays and taking us to the park, out to get pizza, and all the junk food a child could ask for. Always smiling and joking..playing and laughing. Loving…like a father should be. I missed that…and sometimes wished I could have pressed rewind. Pressed rewind to when giving up was not in your vocabulary when it came to being there for me and Ilysha. When did it become easier to walk away Daddy?

Tears flood from my eyes because I never got to show you that under all the bitterness I loved you…more than you could ever imagine. I didn’t want you to leave without knowing that I cared Daddy. I wanted to be at the hospital to keep you company in your last hours. I needed to hear you tell me not to worry…that everything was going to be fine. But I didn’t. You left me. How am I supposed to feel? What about me Daddy...What about me?

All I know is wherever you are it has to be better than here for you. It has to be less stressful, less hard on you. You have to be happier. And now….I can finally reach you whenever I need you. God needed you. I needed you. Now, I finally have you…In my life where you belong. No more running away. No more fear. No more worrying about you. I love you Daddy! Until next time…[Muah]!

Ok..TOODLES!

Fw:Flaw #1

Yo.
I'm not a big fan of people picking at themselves... but everyone knows their flaws.

I have the tendency to shut people out. ALL people. No matter how close I'm supposed to be with someone ,I wont say too much of anything. My best friends for example: I hardly go to them when I have a problem. They come to me and ask whats wrong....even then I hardly share. & It's not that I dont feel comfortable with them, most times I just rather stress alone. & Most times people can't and won't say the right things to make it better or make it go away. It eventually becomes a huge downfall and ultimately the demise of my serious relationships. Im kind of backwards though. When I'm just "in-like" with someone I wont hold my tongue on anything. Meaning everytime they say something I have my input and a story to relate..but as soon [and i do mean AS SOON] as I start to like them a tad bit more I completly shut down. I dont share life stories and experiences and I hardly share my opinion on too much of anything. When asked important questions relating to emotion I can not answer them outloud...but I could write them in a heartbeat. I could put most of my feelings in a long ass txt or letter and send it. [which i hardly do]...but my effort of writting to open up goes unnoticed. If i cant verballly open up to them...things seem to go wrong. Which i understand, you cant really have a txt relatinship. but...i dont know hw to fix it; i dont know how to open up without writting. I tried again and again...but nothing works. I dont like people completly inside of my head. I really hope to overcome this because I'm sure it will continue to be nothing but an extreme problem. Any tips? Ok....Toodles!

Dear Mother:

Yo.
We interrupt your normal program to bring you:
So I've been going through a few things...and my mother has been helping me cope. If you know me and my mothers past relationship it would be a shock. Our relationship only got better when i went away to college. Even then it was good every once and a while. Well today I woke up to a text message from her :

[Good morning baby. I know you’re having a hard time 2. I’m here 4 u. We will get thru this. Hope you have a better day. I love you. From now on I will be uplifting and more understanding. I get so raveled up in my own problems that I act like yall don’t have problems, worries, or pain and I’m SO SORRY FOR THAT! From this day forward I am going to be more understanding of yall concerns. I can’t take back the years I lacked but you make sure it doesn’t happen again. I promise. I love you more than words can say. We will get through this, just don’t worry yourself.]

--------mind you we have never been the family to speak openely on mushy gushy feelings. No hugging, no kissing, we dont even say i love you regularly...because we know its there and doesnt need to be said.
She really has made my day! So to her....

Dear Mother:

Let me start by saying...I LOVE YOU! I know we have had our down times. Times when you’re yelling feels like its suffocating me. Times when you didn’t want me near you. Times…times when things were just horrible. But know that through every and anything I love you more than I could ever show.I depend so much on you some might think it’s ridiculous. You’ve spoiled me to be this way and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even when you disapprove of everything I do, I love you. If anything ever happened to you I don’t know where I’d be. I don’t know if I could stay here...on this earth. Now I am going through what seems like the hardest time of my life so far and you are right here by my side...as you always are when things outside of our relationship get tough. You are the only person keeping me sane right now and if you only knew how much that truly meant to me. When I can’t see the sun shining you grab my hand and lead me there. You have been understanding through this whole process and please continue to bear with me. I could never ask nor need a better mother than you. Granted we have our issues; we might not agree 98% of the time…but we cannot be perfect. Thanks for every sacrifice you have ever made for me. It took a little maturing to see how much you’ve worked for me and my sisters. Being a single mother is never easy...and believe I appreciate it. You are my hero; my idol. I want to be able to provide and do for my child when that day comes as you have always done for me and my sisters. You would give your last for me and know that I would do the same. I am and will always be available for you whenever you need me. KNOW that! I love you!

With sooo much love,

Robyn

Ok...now back to your normal scheduled program! Toodles! :)

Learning from the Past :)

Hello World.

So this is my first time blogging. Which also means this is MY first blog ever..and boy am I glad. A little bit about myself: Im a WRITER! I love writting everything from poems, short stories..heck I've even started a novel here and there. I also have a very strong passion for the arts. ARTS of every kind. Isnt it beautiful how one can capture life through a mere photograph or painting, drawing..etc! In this blog I will be discussing exactly what the title says. Life[which pretty much includes EVERYTHiNG], love, sex, and whatever else comes to my mind. Hopefully I am able to look back on this blog one day and say "BOY I'VE COME ALONG WAY"...Hopefully :)

So topic #1: Learning from the Past :

[Im sure this is a typical topic in blogs...but its just my thoughts on some recent things in my life :) --I'll try to stay away from typical subjects from here on out!]

       The best thing about the past may be the fact that from It more knowledge is gained. Through all mistakes some new knowledge should be learned. People say the worse mistakes are those from which nothing is learned. I am not a firm believer in the whole all things in life happen for a reason quote but in some cases I do find that it applies. In learning from a mistake that quote will definitely be applied; but serving the main purpose to really evaluate the problem and how you could have handled whatever the situation was better. But that quote can’t be applied to life in general. Because I refuse to believe that there is a reason that some people get raped, or commit suicide or the innocent are killed or prosecuted. I REFUSE to believe that life is really meant to be so cruel for some people. But that’s a totally different topic for a totally different day! The subject at hand for today is learning. Taking things from the past, even if it isn’t a regret and learning from it! School is not the only thing you should walk away from feeling more knowledgeable. Life in general should be a constant lesson. Everyday knowledge should be gained, whether intentional or accidental; Knowledge should be gained. Sometimes things don’t go as planned. Note it, and make a better effort to fix the problem so there will be no repeating the same mistake. Learn. Always take the opportunity to learn as much as possible. Knowledge is always useful and will always come in handy!

In my last relationship I walked away knowing far more than I had ever known before. And for my gained knowledge I appreciate and thank that young man. Although my heart is very much still with him I have finally accepted not being with him! I’ve evaluated the situation and found plenty of things I could have done different, or better! As I take this long overdue break from the dating world I’ve evaluated my personality. I know in order to be in a relationship with anyone I must first learn to be happy alone! Sometimes it can seem kind of hard, but there won’t always be someone there at the end of the night to share with, to bring a smile. So learn to find joy in yourself! I’ve also learned that saying sorry doesn’t solve problems. [People make it seem as if apologizing actually woks, like if I say sorry for hurting you things are all better. It’s so cliché, like a mothers kiss to a child’s wound, it’s all in the mind]. Some mistakes will never be able to be fixed, and those that can be aren’t easy to fix. It takes more than an apology. I also learned that we are in two different stages in life. And honestly his level might be more advanced than mine. My mind is still stuck in this fairytale lifestyle. Play play play, and dream is all I do. My mind is under construction to get to adulthood, but I like to dabble in childhood sometimes! I mean really what is the rush in growing up?! Anywho,off topic once more! I have learned a lot of thing in life..and every day when I think ive learned everything I possibly want to learn there is always something else! Something that I wonder how I ever went without knowing. I know it is cliché but knowledge is power. Without knowledge you will only grow physically never mentally!

Im on a journey to maturity [explains the url I chose :)]...and hopefully I'll have a few followers along the way. I hope to inspire, uplift, and entertain the thoughts of my readers! So til next time.............

Toodles!