Ok...so my last post totally fucked itself up! ANYWHO....um, I havent really been up on my blog. Going through too much..and now I've lost my father. I'm posting my facebook letter on here...just to subsitute for not posting. Sorry you all. I will be back to my normal posting here soon!
I always wondered how I would feel when this day came…but I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this so soon. I thought I had time…time to rebuild a relationship. When I got the news, everything around me froze. Total silence…As feeling started to rush back into my body, I sat there trying to keep my face dry; trying to appear strong. The tears yelled “Fuck you”, and came down anyway. It was all so surreal. Not now Daddy. Not Now! I never got to say goodbye.
After hearing what took place; what led to your murder… I thought “This all could have been avoided.” But of course Mr. Hot-head can’t keep his words or his hands to himself. I can’t blame the others involved…nor God. I only can blame you Daddy; YOU because you had many opportunities to turn your life around…to get it together. Too many near death situations and still…you didn’t wake up. Same shit new day right Daddy? Well not today Daddy. Today you’re gone…Gone and how do I feel?
Out of my 19 years on this earth, 10 you spent steadily in my life. 10 years of constant memories and then you disappear. Come back in my life momentarily only to disappear again. It’s not enough to know when I graduate, my birthday, and what I was like as a child. It’s not enough, Daddy. You wondered why I never really talked to you as I got older. Well…I couldn’t deal with having a daddy that loves me when it’s convenient for him. Loves me enough to stay in life for a month or two and disappear for a year. Each time getting my hopes up high thinking maybe you would stay for the long run. Daddy…I just couldn’t deal with you being less than part-time.
All I have to go by is the man I knew when I was a child…the man I adored. How hard you fought to stay in my life when my mother was so insistent on having you out. How much you went out of your way slipping money under the door, leaving toys on the porch. Coming by on Sundays and taking us to the park, out to get pizza, and all the junk food a child could ask for. Always smiling and joking..playing and laughing. Loving…like a father should be. I missed that…and sometimes wished I could have pressed rewind. Pressed rewind to when giving up was not in your vocabulary when it came to being there for me and Ilysha. When did it become easier to walk away Daddy?
Tears flood from my eyes because I never got to show you that under all the bitterness I loved you…more than you could ever imagine. I didn’t want you to leave without knowing that I cared Daddy. I wanted to be at the hospital to keep you company in your last hours. I needed to hear you tell me not to worry…that everything was going to be fine. But I didn’t. You left me. How am I supposed to feel? What about me Daddy...What about me?
All I know is wherever you are it has to be better than here for you. It has to be less stressful, less hard on you. You have to be happier. And now….I can finally reach you whenever I need you. God needed you. I needed you. Now, I finally have you…In my life where you belong. No more running away. No more fear. No more worrying about you. I love you Daddy! Until next time…[Muah]!
Ok..TOODLES!
