Lately, I haven't been feeling it...

The feelings that I once had seem as if they are withering away.
Feelings that seem so recent...that seem so fresh,
withering away like a dying rose.
But just as the rose, the love is still beautiful...even while withering.

As I sit here re-reading all the things I felt, I fell...
they begin to sound unfamiliar.
The love I described for him...
can it be leaving so soon?
Communication has died...
and in came someone new.
Someone to distract me...
someone else to admire me, flaws and all.
Like HE used to.

What is this love that I have approached?
An unexpected twist.
What happened to those feelings of forever?
What happened to our bond?

I love him, still...
with every breath I take I still do love him.
But is it the same?
Is it the love where all I can imagine is being with him?
Is he the first and last person on my mind every day?
Is he my fairytale ending?
No.
No, he is not.

& how do I feel about it?
That...that is where I am lost.
Lost for words.
I can't believe that in a few months...
I have given up.
Given up on US.


Almost replaced those beautiful dreams with someone else.
Dreams that I wanted so bad to come true.
Even while withering,
I will not throw him away.
I will not give up on him, as a person.

But sometimes...
Sometimes, I wish I could remove the rest of the feelings.
Because now, all love is clouded by confusion.
My mind tells me to just mark him off as yet another failed attempt at love.
But my heart?
My heart...is screaming, screaming and fighting to never let him go.
The heart is blind, it knows not of his flaws.
It knows not of our dilemma...
All it knows is what it feels when he's in the picture.
Better than anything or any person has ever made it feel.
Blind to the foolishness, holding on so tight.
But my mind...
My mind knows better.
Knows that logically...he should have been erased.
Knows that I deserve better.

But what do I listen to...what should I trust to lead me?
The age old question- do I go with my heart or my mind?

Him again...

I have a fear of running out of words.

Even as I sit here now....
my mind an empty canvas.

Well, almost empty.
Besides the fact that HE is there.
He is always there.

Lately, I've been having the strangest dreams about him and I.
Dreams of a broken forever.
Those of a more realistic nature.
Last night?
Last night I dreamed about his wedding.
About me sitting on the second row, middle pew...smack dead in the center.
Crying my eyes out as his future wife walked down the aisle to greet him.

In my mind Congratulations by Vesta Williams was playing.

"Congratulations...
I thought it would have been me.
Standin’ here with you,
Congratulations...
I hope you’re happy.

‘Cause as long as I can breathe
You’ll always be the one for me."

It was all so surreal. The weird thing though....75percent of my tears were of joy. Happy that he had found someone to settle down with...someone he was willing to love properly. Even if it wasn't me.

Crazy.
I've never sat down and seriously thought about marrying him.
Not at all really....it only comes in my dreams.
My dreams are never just normal dreams when it comes to him.
It's either one extreme or the next.

Regardless, he frequents them often.

Sometimes I wish I never fell in love with him.
Just so that I wouldn't miss him so much.

I keep replaying 2 certain occasions when I wished my decision was different. Freshman year. What if I would have said yes when he asked did I want him to cut everyone else off? What if I had said yes, I only want it to be me? And what if I would have stayed...stayed when he asked me not to change colleges? Stayed and lived in this twisted fairytale he had planned out? " There will be room in my closet for you...and I'll have a drawer or something at your place." What if ....I let it all play out.

Man.
Sometimes I can't help but feel like I sabotaged this.
This...tale of love.
All because I was damaged.

Am I damaged now?
Am I doing the same thing to the new guy?
Probably.
Definitely.
But I can't help that I stay on past loves for SO long.
Especially this time.
Because  whatever we have hasn't really ended.
Maybe it needs to.

I'm happy with this.
BUT still, I dream of more.
Wanna be here, in his life...
but still, I DREAM of more.

I love him...
Infatuated even.
Obsessed...
and addicted.

I want him here...
I need him here.
More than anything I wish I had done things differently.
Maybe my dreams would be closer to coming true.

Can I tell you something?...

Today, I'm doing a 10-1. Things have changed since my first one....

Remember, the 10 to 1 is basically writing down the 10 things I wish I could say to 10 different people but...cant, won't or just haven't. And I don't say who they are :)



To the woman that my prayers have always been reserved for:
Quick tempers.
Sugarless words.
Frequent fists.
Replaying in my new found years of maturity. Years of understanding. Perfection was expected; nothing less accepted. Love disguised by a desire to breed the best. For then, for now, for the future...thank you, I needed it, all.

To my title-less love, the man of my frequently subconscious desires:
part of me hopes this lasts forever.
Beyond forever.
This? This romance, this friendship...this bond.
You frequent my dreams and I allow those images to take control.
Even if no one else ever understands, my love is with you for this lifetime. My lifetime. Your lifetime. Remember through it all, you got me.

To the creator of all souls, the father of all minds:
I need you.
I always have.
I tend to lose sight of what is important to me...sometimes all I have is you.
All my darkest confessions lye with you.
Please help me to overcome the things I can't seem to shake. Keep me guided in the right direction...and if I start to stray please reach down and remind me where I'm headed.

To the new man, slowly trying to tip-toe into my heart:
Be careful. I am broken, handle me with care.
Be patient for those times that I forget that someone loves me.
Fight harder in those times when I will push you away.
Communicate and trust me. I am stronger than I appear.
& remember: I no longer believe in fairy tales.

To the one before the last,"something to do when there's nothing to do"... Number 9 if you will:
I hope you knew what it was when we started.
I hope you knew that I was only interested in one thing...and for your sake I hope you were too.
It wasn't what I'm used to, no where near it. So I'm over it. You had your one shot... and my thoughts?
On to the next...

To the past, the one's who never made it:
It takes a certain type of person to deal with me.
You didn't measure up.
Or maybe it was I..I who didn't measure up. 
It's not your fault...it never was.
I'm sorry.
Part of me wishes, the smallest part---that something would have worked. That maybe I wouldn't be so scarred,...so close to heartless.

To the neglected spirit of my genes:
I have been acting as if you never existed.
I used to speak to you everyday when you first left me,
Correction: When you first came back in my life for eternity.
Somewhere between this hell and heaven, my words got lost.
Maybe I'm ashamed to still be in the same place...
I love you. & I know these genes weren't passed on to become nothing.
Next time I speak with you, I will be doing better. No excuses.

To the one soul that may possess the most faith in me:
My personal little angel.
Thank you for always being here...even when my emotions surpass alone.
Thank you for having my back when the world turned theirs.
Thank you for loving me, unconditionally.
& Thank you most for encouraging me to be better, better than anyone expected. With my heart, mind,and soul...I love you.

To the one who I am supposed to confide to:
Sometimes, I don't want to talk about serious issues.
Too worried that I'm being judged for certain situations.
And I know...I know I shouldn't feel like it.
I know I should just rant and ramble my life away..
that is what your here for. But sometimes...I just don't want to.
Sometimes I rather write, write where I can't be judged


To the root of it all, the over-analyzer... the corrupt dreamer:
We've come along way.
I've watched as we've grown from naive little girl, to a beautiful knowledge-seeking young lady.
The things that were once important to you, have been replaced by real issues.
The things that you never understood are suddenly becoming clear as day. We have a long journey, this is only the beginning. Continue to grow. When we look back on it all, hopefully our dreams will have finally become reality. And I'll look at you with my best smile and nod " You go girl."

Sincerely,

The mind of the dreamer with the corrupt heart, who has finally been pry-ed open

In my moments of craziness...

Yo.

Ok, so my last post?
Just me...in the heat of the moment.
Pretty in my feelings, clearly.
Lol.

I thought it over.
And I realized something.
The only opinion that matters in the situation is my own.
What I think.

I know that whatever is going on doesn't need a definition at the moment.
I'm doing my thing...and he's doing his.
AND I'm actually really happy with where I am right now.
REALLY happy.
I like whatever is going on.
And I will continue to root him on in all his endeavors.
Continue to wish for his success.
Continue to pry in his business.
Continue to be here for him.
Continue to be Robyn with him.

Through tragedy and all.

Maybe HE taught me for someone else...

A peek inside my personal journal:

January 15, 2012:

I want to call.

Call to almost…ask permission.

Ask permission to be involved fully in someone else.

I want him to hear it from me.

I want him to know that even through this…

I love him, forever.

That I love him more than any and every one….that if I had the option to chose,

it would always be him.

ALWAYS.

BUT for now…right now, I must move on.

I can no longer sacrafice my happiness for what might turn out to be just another dream. Another fantasy, a figment of my imagination.

January 21,2012:

WE finally talked.

Talked about the new guy and him wanting a relationship.

I asked his advice,

I felt as if I needed his permission to begin anew.

The lover said that I should give the new guy, Gregory, a try.

He gave me permission.

The permission that I was seeking.

And shortly after, I had a breakdown.

A breakdown because I know that my heart only beats for him.

That the only thing I’ve ever craved…is him.

And that starting this new thing…might drive me insane.

What if it actually works with this new guy?

What if it actually lasts?

Where will that leave the lover?

When will I have my time with him?

Confession.

I’m scared.

Scared that I’m just going to fuck things up in this new relationship.

Scared to fall in love.

Scared shitless.

Scared to…what feels like, leave the lover…

Scared to let go of my dreams of him. Of us.

I feel stupid.

More so than you could even begin to imagine.

Why am I letting whatever we have…possibly affect my present?

Why am I scared to just live in the moment?

Oh yea, because it’s my heart we’re playing with now.

Tugging at its strings, testing it in every way.

I’m probably failing.

ANd I dont know how to fix it.

BUT he gave me permission. 

I wonder how he feels about it, is he really ok with it.

I guess he has to be, he isn’t here with me.

Maybe I shouldn’t go into this with so much baggage. 

Hidden baggage.

Because in the end it will all come out.

Explode in my face like it usually does.

But I can’t run from it…and no longer will I let it affect my NOW.

So…welcome the new guy.

But the most potent part of my heart will always be saved for the lover. 

Through tragedy and all.

-Robyn Latice

I'm back....again. (But forreal this time)

Yo.

So, If your here you probably notice the new changes. I've finally gotten the time to change my blog. And why exactly? Because I actually plan on blogging on it again.

I have a lot to say. And blogging is like an online journal. Helping me keep track of my progress through life.

Any who...hello to the followers who are actually still blogging...and those who come to check on me occasionally.

What's going on now?
School has started for the semester.

I'm SO over school. And my slacking has bought me another year, I would be graduating in May if I stayed on my shit. *shrugs*...I will be out of here soon enough though.

I need to find a job. I have a lot of bad habits that need to be supported. Smoking, drinking, weave, hair colors, shoes, and clothing....!I'm in my "finding my style" phase of my life...and I have SOOO much that I want to try. This should be fun.
Oh.....& there is someone new in my life too!

Finally.
His name?
For the sake of my personal creepers we'll call him....Gregory. (I think that's his middle name)
And the lover that moved to Portland, we'll refer to him as Xavier.
As not to get the two confused.

So the new guy?
He's pretty cool.
Funny as fuck, handsome, older (25), can hold a bomb ass conversation, entertains the fuck out of me,....ohhh and he's nasty. Filthy really. All positive things.
He asked me to be his girl.

I haven't been in a relationship since the ex. Yes, the ex I used to discuss when I first started this blog in 09. SO, it's been a while. BUT, I actually wouldn't mind getting into this. We've only talked for about a month....but we vibe so well together. He's a Cancer. My last two serious loves were Cancers (like myself)....I swear those make the craziest relationships. I had sworn off of male Cancers...but for some reason they seem to be the only ones to "catch me". Everything feels so good with him...

Problem though.
I miss the lover, incredibly.
Miss him more than I could ever begin to express.

Man.
So much that subconsciously I'm sabotaging what could be with the next.
I guess the details on that situation can be saved for a separate post though.

Man, I have so much to discuss.
Happy to be back on blogger, Tumblr lacks substance. (But it it addicting as fuck.)
Feel free to follow me there too. Links on the sidebar somewhere.

Even when no one is reading, this blog will forever be my favorite.

-Muah

Counting down the days...

Yo.
I'm not really sure when EXACTLY he's coming home.
But I know that it's soon.
Soon, and I cannot wait to see his face.

I adore him, in every sense of the word.
I'm sure he won't really agree with my decision, but it's better than nothing. I'm ready for these fantasies to be taken care of. To begin this plutonic friendship after the fun is over.
It's crazy.
He's been the only dick in me for almost the past 3 years.
Last one besides him was the ex.
Valentines day 2009.
Since then, it's only been him.

Maybe that's why I don't really care to branch out.
Find replacement dick.
Because I'm completely satisfied with him.

Unless I can get a guarantee that the next will do it like him,or better...I don't want it.
I don't even want to try.

But there is absolutely no way in hell that I will limit myself to dick only when he visits.
That would mean that I would be celibate for majority of the year...with maybe 2 visits from him.

Fuck no, right now that sounds insane.
But it only SOUNDS insane.

I've gone without it for the last 5 months.
Waiting...for him to come back. Isn't that crazy?

I've needed it.
NEEDed it.
& I don't just want to go out and find random dick.
Nor do I really want a relationship or to be in love with anyone else.
The problem. I only want him, so the option of someone else has become non-existent.

But my sex drive is too high for me to continue doing this.
Because if I had the option to fuck him EVERYday I would.
Every morning.
Every night.
Surprise mid-day sex.
Smh, I wish I could go back to a time when all of that was an option.
We'd bang like rabbits.

When he gets here, I need to have all of my fantasies in order. I only want him to fulfill them. And if this is going to be the last few times, then I need to make it count.

Counting down the days...
The hours, the minutes, ...the seconds.

All I can seem to write about is him...

Yo. Just another love poem.

Loves Limit:

Baby...
I...have a confession,
I love you.
Not just that regular fly by night type love...
Naw.
That, baby I love you with my soul type love.
That, baby I love you only when I ...breathe type love.
That, I dream about you every night when I sleep type love.
Yea...baby, I'm in love with you.

I wanna show you new depths of passion, be the only one you need when you dream of love. On some L.L type shit, yea I'm in need of love.

Not that, only know me when you feel you need it type love.
Not that, every single day I fuckin' hate you type love.
Not that motivated by lust, riddled with lies type love.
Naw baby...Naw.
But that, you could be my personal supply of happiness type love.
Yea, baby...I love you.

I need you to teach me all the secrets that you need in love, help me pave the way to suceed to love.

Not that, only said it to get what I need type love.
But that, planning out our future only wanna be with you type love.
That, kiss you all night while you sleep type love.
That, remind you everyday that you're all I...breathe type love.
Yea...baby, I'm completley IN love with you.

All I want is to know that we'll make it in love. All I need is to reach the impossible through love.

Not that, insecure mediocre I love you because you love me type love.
Not that, selfish ass all about me me me type love.
But that, becoming a better me to work towards US type love.
That...If I can't have forever with you, I don't want forever type love.
Yea...that type of love.

Loves Limit,higher than anything one could achieve in love.
Float away with me...to be in love.
There, we'll live happily...all we need is love.

AND, just incase you don't know by now...Baby, I LOVE you.

-Robyn

Excuse me, I'm just venting...

Yo.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

One minute I love him, and want nothing more than to have him in my life...no matter the circumstances. But the next minute?...The next minute I hate him. Hate him to his fuckin core.

Really....I should probably talk to him. But I'm tired of expressing emotions. The more emotions I reveal the crazier I become.

Sometimes I convince myself that I can wait. That I can still be regular with him while he's away. While he's away playing his games. "Finding his self", Kicking it with the boys, Fucking hoes...and possibly falling in love again. With someone that isn't me. Someone irrelevant.

I can deal with the hoes. But the love? The person that has his attention there?....is getting to me.

And through it all, I seem like one of those weak ass bitches that I lose respect for. Waiting on something, that might turn out to be nothing. Someone who is with everyone. Telling myself that I just need to branch out. Find a distraction, a distraction like he started as. Find temporary replacement dick...but dick isn't what's keeping me engrossed with this man. & to find a replacement for love?...not something I want to do. Nor am I sure that its even possible at this point.

I love him. With my soul.
Unconditionally.

I hate that he's away. I hate that he left. These few months have felt like a lifetime...how am I supposed to get through this for years and years?

Why the fuck am I waiting?

...especially when I know that this shit will end tragically. But still, in all my logic...hope remains. Hope that he won't make me regret loving him at the end of this.

I'm mad at myself for being here, because I know what I want. I want to be the spotlight. The girlfriend. Even if he's forever away.

I need to leave, but I desperately want to stay.

Smh, silly me. I hate falling in love. Fuck you Cupid.

Letter to MY {Love}-r:

My tragically gorgeous,

My how things have changed. I remember when we first met. How I didn't really want to be there. I remember my first thoughts."Who the hell flirts by asking if I'm horny because I'm twirling my hair?"...but if you would've asked me back then where I saw us, if I saw an us....'Never' would easily have parted my lips. But somehow you made your way into my bed, inside of me. Made me forget my pain in life. I guess you were my pain killer. When you slipped inside of me...nothing mattered. Life issues disappeared. When you whispered in my ear, all attention was on you. All I felt was pleasure.

I remember wanting you often. Just to take my mind off of things. How selfish I was. Only thinking of me.

I remember that I didn't want you to love me. I didn't want you to be hurt by the monster that lives inside of me. And even if you thought I never took your feelings in consideration, they were always on my mind. Understand ...that at the time I thought it was best to push you away. I thought you'd do better in someone else's life. I didn't need to be loved...because ultimately I knew I would just hurt you. & that was never my goal.

Remember when you told me you loved me. I didn't believe it. I didn't believe that you knew what you were saying...that you didn't KNOW me. So I refused to get caught up in what I thought was just words.

I remember when I walked into Arkansas Hall and saw you with another girl. Looking like you were escorting her from your room. The sharp sting I felt. Remember telling myself to shake it off....not to look phased. It's when I realized that I more than just liked you. More than just wanted to feel you inside of me.
Remember that you came to my room. Pacing. To apologize. How cute I thought it was. Sweet that I meant that much.

But still, I remained a bitch. An asshole. For protection. I didn't have any more pieces of my heart that could risk getting broken. And for that I apologize.(You were always better than him. Even when I couldn't see.)
I still think that night that you came to my room with the 3 movies you rented for us randomly....was the sweetest thing tht anyone has ever done for me. That night it hurt me to turn down your attempts. But, I was still in protection mode.

I didn't want to be just another number to you. I was so afraid to be hurt again, that I didn't allow you to love me. Love me like I needed.
Even when we stop communicating, you worked your way back into my life. Made me realize how deep this really was...how deep this really is. And for that, I thank you. Thank you for your consistency. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to truly fall for you. Well...grow. Grow to the highest form of love I've ever experienced. And even with all of my craziness, thank you for accepting me. As Robyn. Flawed and all. Thank you for being the only person that I can be myself with, comfortably...and completely.

If I could take back my antics, I would in a heartbeat. Blind to your love the first time around...blind to your beauty. If I knew that we were on a time limit, it would've been different. But then again...I guess thats what I was afraid of. Afraid of letting you in, only for you to leave me.
Now that your gone...I need you more than ever. So many words unsaid. So many feelings unshared. Soooo many tears cried...because I don't want it to be goodbye. Not forever.

2208 miles away, and still you consume my thoughts. Holding them hostage. I could look at you all day, without you saying a word...and still be entertained. Kiss you in your sleep for an eternity. Watch you talk, listen to you laugh. Be a part of your silliness. All day every day...and I'd never get bored.

And our sex? It can get no better. The way my body reacts to your touch.  Melts from your kisses. Responds to your thrust. Craves for your words. Drips from our passion.

Lover, lover...please stay with me for a lifetime. Stay with my heart, make your home in my soul. I promise never to let you go. Promise for a lifetime. I love you more than all words could express, and know that OUR forever isn't up yet...