Indentity Crisis

Hello,
It's been a while. A LONG while.

This week I've been forced to take a good look at myself and really evaluate things in my life. Understand and decide where exactly I want to go in life. Today, those thoughts led me to this blog. My very first blog. The most personal. The only one I keep having the urge to continue.
Circling back and looking over all my old posts shows me how much growth I have made in my life, and where I am standing still. There are places that I should've grown, where I haven't...and places where I've excelled in growth. It's good to have all of this here...to remind me of the old version of myself and how I am slowly, but steadily, improving.

I've been through so much, I can't believe I stopped writing. I wish I had it all documented. I wish I had all those memories stored here. But maybe, it's for the best that I don't. Maybe I can delete them from my memory and be thankful that there is no evidence to remind me of such a hard time in my life. I used to write my opinion on things I'd never been through. What I thought I'd accept, what I thought I wouldn't. All of that has changed. I have changed.

Life has a way of humbling us all when we get beside ourselves. When we start to think that we are too good for certain situations, life throws a curve ball and laughs as we try to dodge it. I didn't come here to talk about any of that though.

My current relationship (4 years) has exposed so many of my flaws. SO much so, that I am convinced that I have mental issues. I don't know where to go, who to talk to anymore about it. I know that my boyfriend is tired of dealing with me. Unsure of what Robyn he will wake up to. Unsure if it's the one that loves him or hates him. I'm tired of dealing with her (me).

She is insecure. She has a hard time trusting. She is possessive. She has separation issues. She has anxiety issues. She has a sense of entitlement from the world. She is extremely emotionally unstable. She is selfish. She is lazy. She isn't goal-oriented. She needs someone to uplift her every single day. She will not return the favor. She doesn't cherish the good, and dwells on the bad. She feels alone. No one will ever understand her. She is at her height of insanity.

I don't know her anymore. She is a stranger.

I want her to leave. As quickly as possible. She is ruining me.

Him again...

I have a fear of running out of words.

Even as I sit here now....
my mind an empty canvas.

Well, almost empty.
Besides the fact that HE is there.
He is always there.

Lately, I've been having the strangest dreams about him and I.
Dreams of a broken forever.
Those of a more realistic nature.
Last night?
Last night I dreamed about his wedding.
About me sitting on the second row, middle pew...smack dead in the center.
Crying my eyes out as his future wife walked down the aisle to greet him.

In my mind Congratulations by Vesta Williams was playing.

"Congratulations...
I thought it would have been me.
Standin’ here with you,
Congratulations...
I hope you’re happy.

‘Cause as long as I can breathe
You’ll always be the one for me."

It was all so surreal. The weird thing though....75percent of my tears were of joy. Happy that he had found someone to settle down with...someone he was willing to love properly. Even if it wasn't me.

Crazy.
I've never sat down and seriously thought about marrying him.
Not at all really....it only comes in my dreams.
My dreams are never just normal dreams when it comes to him.
It's either one extreme or the next.

Regardless, he frequents them often.

Sometimes I wish I never fell in love with him.
Just so that I wouldn't miss him so much.

I keep replaying 2 certain occasions when I wished my decision was different. Freshman year. What if I would have said yes when he asked did I want him to cut everyone else off? What if I had said yes, I only want it to be me? And what if I would have stayed...stayed when he asked me not to change colleges? Stayed and lived in this twisted fairytale he had planned out? " There will be room in my closet for you...and I'll have a drawer or something at your place." What if ....I let it all play out.

Man.
Sometimes I can't help but feel like I sabotaged this.
This...tale of love.
All because I was damaged.

Am I damaged now?
Am I doing the same thing to the new guy?
Probably.
Definitely.
But I can't help that I stay on past loves for SO long.
Especially this time.
Because  whatever we have hasn't really ended.
Maybe it needs to.

I'm happy with this.
BUT still, I dream of more.
Wanna be here, in his life...
but still, I DREAM of more.

I love him...
Infatuated even.
Obsessed...
and addicted.

I want him here...
I need him here.
More than anything I wish I had done things differently.
Maybe my dreams would be closer to coming true.

Can I tell you something?...

Today, I'm doing a 10-1. Things have changed since my first one....

Remember, the 10 to 1 is basically writing down the 10 things I wish I could say to 10 different people but...cant, won't or just haven't. And I don't say who they are :)



To the woman that my prayers have always been reserved for:
Quick tempers.
Sugarless words.
Frequent fists.
Replaying in my new found years of maturity. Years of understanding. Perfection was expected; nothing less accepted. Love disguised by a desire to breed the best. For then, for now, for the future...thank you, I needed it, all.

To my title-less love, the man of my frequently subconscious desires:
part of me hopes this lasts forever.
Beyond forever.
This? This romance, this friendship...this bond.
You frequent my dreams and I allow those images to take control.
Even if no one else ever understands, my love is with you for this lifetime. My lifetime. Your lifetime. Remember through it all, you got me.

To the creator of all souls, the father of all minds:
I need you.
I always have.
I tend to lose sight of what is important to me...sometimes all I have is you.
All my darkest confessions lye with you.
Please help me to overcome the things I can't seem to shake. Keep me guided in the right direction...and if I start to stray please reach down and remind me where I'm headed.

To the new man, slowly trying to tip-toe into my heart:
Be careful. I am broken, handle me with care.
Be patient for those times that I forget that someone loves me.
Fight harder in those times when I will push you away.
Communicate and trust me. I am stronger than I appear.
& remember: I no longer believe in fairy tales.

To the one before the last,"something to do when there's nothing to do"... Number 9 if you will:
I hope you knew what it was when we started.
I hope you knew that I was only interested in one thing...and for your sake I hope you were too.
It wasn't what I'm used to, no where near it. So I'm over it. You had your one shot... and my thoughts?
On to the next...

To the past, the one's who never made it:
It takes a certain type of person to deal with me.
You didn't measure up.
Or maybe it was I..I who didn't measure up. 
It's not your fault...it never was.
I'm sorry.
Part of me wishes, the smallest part---that something would have worked. That maybe I wouldn't be so scarred,...so close to heartless.

To the neglected spirit of my genes:
I have been acting as if you never existed.
I used to speak to you everyday when you first left me,
Correction: When you first came back in my life for eternity.
Somewhere between this hell and heaven, my words got lost.
Maybe I'm ashamed to still be in the same place...
I love you. & I know these genes weren't passed on to become nothing.
Next time I speak with you, I will be doing better. No excuses.

To the one soul that may possess the most faith in me:
My personal little angel.
Thank you for always being here...even when my emotions surpass alone.
Thank you for having my back when the world turned theirs.
Thank you for loving me, unconditionally.
& Thank you most for encouraging me to be better, better than anyone expected. With my heart, mind,and soul...I love you.

To the one who I am supposed to confide to:
Sometimes, I don't want to talk about serious issues.
Too worried that I'm being judged for certain situations.
And I know...I know I shouldn't feel like it.
I know I should just rant and ramble my life away..
that is what your here for. But sometimes...I just don't want to.
Sometimes I rather write, write where I can't be judged


To the root of it all, the over-analyzer... the corrupt dreamer:
We've come along way.
I've watched as we've grown from naive little girl, to a beautiful knowledge-seeking young lady.
The things that were once important to you, have been replaced by real issues.
The things that you never understood are suddenly becoming clear as day. We have a long journey, this is only the beginning. Continue to grow. When we look back on it all, hopefully our dreams will have finally become reality. And I'll look at you with my best smile and nod " You go girl."

Sincerely,

The mind of the dreamer with the corrupt heart, who has finally been pry-ed open