Lost love, again

Hello again,

 This is my outlet. The place I come with all my fears. Right now? I fear that my relationship has finally come to an end. After almost 5 years, I fear that we can not fix this. We've been through so much. I've been through so much. Maybe too much. 

Even still, I am here with full armour fighting to the death. Fighting to the death. One of us must die for the fight to end. And I think that person is me. I think I have to let my love die in order to move on.

I dont want to move on. I don't want any one else.
I thought this was my one.
I thought I'd finally found my forever.

But my forever, is tired of her. 
Not because she is impossible to deal with (although she can be), but because he has his own equally prominent mental issues...and that can take a toll on anyone. Having to deal with her and him, I don't know where I stand.

I love him. With every cell in my body. I love him like nothing else in this world. I love him like he is a part of me. Like he came from me. I can't properly express the depth. It's endless. Bottomless. Unconditional. Irreplaceable.

We've been arguing a lot over nonsense.
Yesterday was probably the worst case of nothing escalating into something in a matter of seconds.

But removing my feelings from the situation, I understand where he was coming from. I should've been more mindful. Less worried about being rude to a stranger and more focused on supporting him. I thought I was doing that by being there. Miscommunication and misunderstanding, as always.

She came out yesterday, despite my efforts of tightly gripping my sanity. He did not convey his message well. He tried conveying it by control. By belittling me. That is the quickest way to get her to come out. And once she's out, there is no stopping her. She showed her ass last night. And there is no erasing her behavior.

Who is understanding when you try to apologize after having a complete meltdown? Almost no one.

In the last week, I've been extra careful in how I react to situations. I have been practicing control, and as hard as it is at times, its been successful. But being told how little I do/am incites rage. A rage I can never stop. Only because I go out of my way for him. As he does for me. I am the one that has been there more than anyone else. I am the one he can depend on in times of bad situations. NO one else, but me. Yesterday, it was worse. Worse because he decided to post to my wall. He wrote how crazy I was being, how out of control I was, how he didn't want me in his home, and begging anyone to come pick me up. I am very private on social media. He is more private than me. We have never gone to social media with any of our past problems.

That was a breaking point. The game-changer. That's when she came out in her rarest form.

I was wrong. He was wrong. But no apologies have been given, and I doubt they will be.

I don't think I'll ever date another Cancer after this. We have too many of the same issues.

I fear that my relationship has come to an end, and I am in no way capable of dealing with the aftermath. *sigh*

Lately, I haven't been feeling it...

The feelings that I once had seem as if they are withering away.
Feelings that seem so recent...that seem so fresh,
withering away like a dying rose.
But just as the rose, the love is still beautiful...even while withering.

As I sit here re-reading all the things I felt, I fell...
they begin to sound unfamiliar.
The love I described for him...
can it be leaving so soon?
Communication has died...
and in came someone new.
Someone to distract me...
someone else to admire me, flaws and all.
Like HE used to.

What is this love that I have approached?
An unexpected twist.
What happened to those feelings of forever?
What happened to our bond?

I love him, still...
with every breath I take I still do love him.
But is it the same?
Is it the love where all I can imagine is being with him?
Is he the first and last person on my mind every day?
Is he my fairytale ending?
No.
No, he is not.

& how do I feel about it?
That...that is where I am lost.
Lost for words.
I can't believe that in a few months...
I have given up.
Given up on US.


Almost replaced those beautiful dreams with someone else.
Dreams that I wanted so bad to come true.
Even while withering,
I will not throw him away.
I will not give up on him, as a person.

But sometimes...
Sometimes, I wish I could remove the rest of the feelings.
Because now, all love is clouded by confusion.
My mind tells me to just mark him off as yet another failed attempt at love.
But my heart?
My heart...is screaming, screaming and fighting to never let him go.
The heart is blind, it knows not of his flaws.
It knows not of our dilemma...
All it knows is what it feels when he's in the picture.
Better than anything or any person has ever made it feel.
Blind to the foolishness, holding on so tight.
But my mind...
My mind knows better.
Knows that logically...he should have been erased.
Knows that I deserve better.

But what do I listen to...what should I trust to lead me?
The age old question- do I go with my heart or my mind?

Can I tell you something?...

Today, I'm doing a 10-1. Things have changed since my first one....

Remember, the 10 to 1 is basically writing down the 10 things I wish I could say to 10 different people but...cant, won't or just haven't. And I don't say who they are :)



To the woman that my prayers have always been reserved for:
Quick tempers.
Sugarless words.
Frequent fists.
Replaying in my new found years of maturity. Years of understanding. Perfection was expected; nothing less accepted. Love disguised by a desire to breed the best. For then, for now, for the future...thank you, I needed it, all.

To my title-less love, the man of my frequently subconscious desires:
part of me hopes this lasts forever.
Beyond forever.
This? This romance, this friendship...this bond.
You frequent my dreams and I allow those images to take control.
Even if no one else ever understands, my love is with you for this lifetime. My lifetime. Your lifetime. Remember through it all, you got me.

To the creator of all souls, the father of all minds:
I need you.
I always have.
I tend to lose sight of what is important to me...sometimes all I have is you.
All my darkest confessions lye with you.
Please help me to overcome the things I can't seem to shake. Keep me guided in the right direction...and if I start to stray please reach down and remind me where I'm headed.

To the new man, slowly trying to tip-toe into my heart:
Be careful. I am broken, handle me with care.
Be patient for those times that I forget that someone loves me.
Fight harder in those times when I will push you away.
Communicate and trust me. I am stronger than I appear.
& remember: I no longer believe in fairy tales.

To the one before the last,"something to do when there's nothing to do"... Number 9 if you will:
I hope you knew what it was when we started.
I hope you knew that I was only interested in one thing...and for your sake I hope you were too.
It wasn't what I'm used to, no where near it. So I'm over it. You had your one shot... and my thoughts?
On to the next...

To the past, the one's who never made it:
It takes a certain type of person to deal with me.
You didn't measure up.
Or maybe it was I..I who didn't measure up. 
It's not your fault...it never was.
I'm sorry.
Part of me wishes, the smallest part---that something would have worked. That maybe I wouldn't be so scarred,...so close to heartless.

To the neglected spirit of my genes:
I have been acting as if you never existed.
I used to speak to you everyday when you first left me,
Correction: When you first came back in my life for eternity.
Somewhere between this hell and heaven, my words got lost.
Maybe I'm ashamed to still be in the same place...
I love you. & I know these genes weren't passed on to become nothing.
Next time I speak with you, I will be doing better. No excuses.

To the one soul that may possess the most faith in me:
My personal little angel.
Thank you for always being here...even when my emotions surpass alone.
Thank you for having my back when the world turned theirs.
Thank you for loving me, unconditionally.
& Thank you most for encouraging me to be better, better than anyone expected. With my heart, mind,and soul...I love you.

To the one who I am supposed to confide to:
Sometimes, I don't want to talk about serious issues.
Too worried that I'm being judged for certain situations.
And I know...I know I shouldn't feel like it.
I know I should just rant and ramble my life away..
that is what your here for. But sometimes...I just don't want to.
Sometimes I rather write, write where I can't be judged


To the root of it all, the over-analyzer... the corrupt dreamer:
We've come along way.
I've watched as we've grown from naive little girl, to a beautiful knowledge-seeking young lady.
The things that were once important to you, have been replaced by real issues.
The things that you never understood are suddenly becoming clear as day. We have a long journey, this is only the beginning. Continue to grow. When we look back on it all, hopefully our dreams will have finally become reality. And I'll look at you with my best smile and nod " You go girl."

Sincerely,

The mind of the dreamer with the corrupt heart, who has finally been pry-ed open

Maybe HE taught me for someone else...

A peek inside my personal journal:

January 15, 2012:

I want to call.

Call to almost…ask permission.

Ask permission to be involved fully in someone else.

I want him to hear it from me.

I want him to know that even through this…

I love him, forever.

That I love him more than any and every one….that if I had the option to chose,

it would always be him.

ALWAYS.

BUT for now…right now, I must move on.

I can no longer sacrafice my happiness for what might turn out to be just another dream. Another fantasy, a figment of my imagination.

January 21,2012:

WE finally talked.

Talked about the new guy and him wanting a relationship.

I asked his advice,

I felt as if I needed his permission to begin anew.

The lover said that I should give the new guy, Gregory, a try.

He gave me permission.

The permission that I was seeking.

And shortly after, I had a breakdown.

A breakdown because I know that my heart only beats for him.

That the only thing I’ve ever craved…is him.

And that starting this new thing…might drive me insane.

What if it actually works with this new guy?

What if it actually lasts?

Where will that leave the lover?

When will I have my time with him?

Confession.

I’m scared.

Scared that I’m just going to fuck things up in this new relationship.

Scared to fall in love.

Scared shitless.

Scared to…what feels like, leave the lover…

Scared to let go of my dreams of him. Of us.

I feel stupid.

More so than you could even begin to imagine.

Why am I letting whatever we have…possibly affect my present?

Why am I scared to just live in the moment?

Oh yea, because it’s my heart we’re playing with now.

Tugging at its strings, testing it in every way.

I’m probably failing.

ANd I dont know how to fix it.

BUT he gave me permission. 

I wonder how he feels about it, is he really ok with it.

I guess he has to be, he isn’t here with me.

Maybe I shouldn’t go into this with so much baggage. 

Hidden baggage.

Because in the end it will all come out.

Explode in my face like it usually does.

But I can’t run from it…and no longer will I let it affect my NOW.

So…welcome the new guy.

But the most potent part of my heart will always be saved for the lover. 

Through tragedy and all.

-Robyn Latice