Dear Therapist: 001

Today I am changing my writing style for this blog. Since I am in a place where it feels like I can't speak to anyone in my life comfortably, this blog will be my new therapist...until my insurance kicks in and I can get the help I really need.So.....

Good afternoon Therapist,

Today is hard. Every time I feel overwhelmed, I realize that I don't fully trust confiding in anyone. Seriously, not one single person. Today it's back to this business shit. I don't know if I've told you...I have been building a cleaning business. For my boyfriend.

Everything that has gotten done to make the business legit, I've done. Everything that needs to be done, I will be doing...including the actual cleaning. Something that I have no problem with...if I'm thinking about it as if I am helping my bf build, which will help US build in the long run.

Which may or may not be true. I will help him build, but more than likely it will not help me the same. I think at the end of this, I will regret helping with this. I feel like I will do all the work, just for him to use this as a means to help other women. Women from his past.

And how in the hell is that supposed to make me feel? Other bitches possibly benefiting off of something that I put together? That thought has taken over today. In the ugliest ways.

I've watched this happen many times since I've been "DOWN". As I've gone out of my way to give this man my last. As I've remained faithful and hopeful that one day I'd be all he'd need. And I'm realizing, that that will never be reality for me with him.

I've tried to show just how perfect I am. How I only want him for him. Show how much of "wife material" I am....only to keep getting shown that no matter how much I do for him...it will truly never be enough to get to the place I want to be with him. I want to work for US, Not for him and his nothing hoes.

I AM SO OVER THIS BULLSHIT LIFE.

My heart is too good for this. I've never deserved to feel less than....

I never want a man to marry me just because he's settling because the one he "really wants" is a nothing hoe that he knows he can't build with.

I don't want to be anyone's fucking backup plan.
4 1/2 years in a relationship, and I feel like a fucking backup plan.

I'm just tired of everything and everyone.
Seems like I'm crying daily as my dreams silently crash around me. Closing me in, Unable to breathe..I need help sorting through my thoughts. I need help knowing if I'm wrong or right. I need help figuring out my next step.


I've never prayed so hard on a subject. I've never begged for guidance as much as I have through this. I don't want to love anyone anymore.I hate loving someone more than myself. It is by far the worst mistake I've ever made.

Stop these tears. Please.


-Robyn

Acceptance...

Hello again,

Today, I'm sane. Completly sane. Not overly emotional. Not mad. Not pissed. Not sad. Just at ease.

I think I've finally accepted where we are. What he has been saying to me.

When my friends constantly complain about their men problems I'm always the first to tell them not to take the mans words and twist them into what you think he means deep down inside. Or in other words, change them into what you really want to hear. I've been doing that for about a year now. That never works out.

He's been telling me he needs space. Needs time to enjoy the world. Something that is hard for me to understand because his actions show the complete opposite. Him encouraging me not to get a job, him providing a business for me, him providing EVERYthing for me...makes his words null and void for me, usually. Telling me how he likes taking care of me. How I only need to cook, clean, and work on the business. But since the whole Facebook stunt, I think it has finally registered. In 4 years he has never posted anything about me on his page. He does not comment/like any of my pictures, but is always watching. Which is cool. Meanwhile, he's always my cover photo...any and everyone who comes to my page can see that I am in a relationship and see who with. His? You'd think he was single. He barely posts, so I never had a problem with it because he is private. But for the first thing he posts (besides a birthday post) to be negative? Out of all the positive I've done in these last 4 years is mind-boggling. Like I said in the last post, it's a game changer.

No matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough for him. New meaning has been given to that. And unlike the first few hundred times I've said that, I feel it in my soul this go round. He feels the same way about me. I know that statement to be true. It does not affect me at this point. It just tells me I need to quit. Really quit.  I could go down a list of shit I've done for him that I never have for anyone, but why does it matter? I did it all out of love, nothing else. So no reason to bring it up now. Just know, I am not your average 20 something year old. I'm on a different playing field, and to have someone so blind that they don't see it? You can't force someone to see you for who you are. If they see you like everyone else, and easily disposable...dispose of yourself.

Those are the words I need to live by. Stop fighting to prove my worth. Because it shines bright in everything I do.

Despite the way it sounds, I'm feeling invincible. I feel like a new door has been open with endless possibilities. For the first time, starting over doesn't feel like a death sentence for me. It doesn't make my heart speed to dangerous speeds. It doesn't make my eyes water. It  doesn't have me all sweaty. I'm not damn near balled in a corner praying for strength. I'm not having to talk myself out of a panic attack. Or a killing spree. I am at ease.

It may be just for today, but this is what I will need to get through this. This needs to be my everyday mood until I walk away for good.

I'm thankful for this process. The good and the bad.

Lost love, again

Hello again,

 This is my outlet. The place I come with all my fears. Right now? I fear that my relationship has finally come to an end. After almost 5 years, I fear that we can not fix this. We've been through so much. I've been through so much. Maybe too much. 

Even still, I am here with full armour fighting to the death. Fighting to the death. One of us must die for the fight to end. And I think that person is me. I think I have to let my love die in order to move on.

I dont want to move on. I don't want any one else.
I thought this was my one.
I thought I'd finally found my forever.

But my forever, is tired of her. 
Not because she is impossible to deal with (although she can be), but because he has his own equally prominent mental issues...and that can take a toll on anyone. Having to deal with her and him, I don't know where I stand.

I love him. With every cell in my body. I love him like nothing else in this world. I love him like he is a part of me. Like he came from me. I can't properly express the depth. It's endless. Bottomless. Unconditional. Irreplaceable.

We've been arguing a lot over nonsense.
Yesterday was probably the worst case of nothing escalating into something in a matter of seconds.

But removing my feelings from the situation, I understand where he was coming from. I should've been more mindful. Less worried about being rude to a stranger and more focused on supporting him. I thought I was doing that by being there. Miscommunication and misunderstanding, as always.

She came out yesterday, despite my efforts of tightly gripping my sanity. He did not convey his message well. He tried conveying it by control. By belittling me. That is the quickest way to get her to come out. And once she's out, there is no stopping her. She showed her ass last night. And there is no erasing her behavior.

Who is understanding when you try to apologize after having a complete meltdown? Almost no one.

In the last week, I've been extra careful in how I react to situations. I have been practicing control, and as hard as it is at times, its been successful. But being told how little I do/am incites rage. A rage I can never stop. Only because I go out of my way for him. As he does for me. I am the one that has been there more than anyone else. I am the one he can depend on in times of bad situations. NO one else, but me. Yesterday, it was worse. Worse because he decided to post to my wall. He wrote how crazy I was being, how out of control I was, how he didn't want me in his home, and begging anyone to come pick me up. I am very private on social media. He is more private than me. We have never gone to social media with any of our past problems.

That was a breaking point. The game-changer. That's when she came out in her rarest form.

I was wrong. He was wrong. But no apologies have been given, and I doubt they will be.

I don't think I'll ever date another Cancer after this. We have too many of the same issues.

I fear that my relationship has come to an end, and I am in no way capable of dealing with the aftermath. *sigh*

Indentity Crisis

Hello,
It's been a while. A LONG while.

This week I've been forced to take a good look at myself and really evaluate things in my life. Understand and decide where exactly I want to go in life. Today, those thoughts led me to this blog. My very first blog. The most personal. The only one I keep having the urge to continue.
Circling back and looking over all my old posts shows me how much growth I have made in my life, and where I am standing still. There are places that I should've grown, where I haven't...and places where I've excelled in growth. It's good to have all of this here...to remind me of the old version of myself and how I am slowly, but steadily, improving.

I've been through so much, I can't believe I stopped writing. I wish I had it all documented. I wish I had all those memories stored here. But maybe, it's for the best that I don't. Maybe I can delete them from my memory and be thankful that there is no evidence to remind me of such a hard time in my life. I used to write my opinion on things I'd never been through. What I thought I'd accept, what I thought I wouldn't. All of that has changed. I have changed.

Life has a way of humbling us all when we get beside ourselves. When we start to think that we are too good for certain situations, life throws a curve ball and laughs as we try to dodge it. I didn't come here to talk about any of that though.

My current relationship (4 years) has exposed so many of my flaws. SO much so, that I am convinced that I have mental issues. I don't know where to go, who to talk to anymore about it. I know that my boyfriend is tired of dealing with me. Unsure of what Robyn he will wake up to. Unsure if it's the one that loves him or hates him. I'm tired of dealing with her (me).

She is insecure. She has a hard time trusting. She is possessive. She has separation issues. She has anxiety issues. She has a sense of entitlement from the world. She is extremely emotionally unstable. She is selfish. She is lazy. She isn't goal-oriented. She needs someone to uplift her every single day. She will not return the favor. She doesn't cherish the good, and dwells on the bad. She feels alone. No one will ever understand her. She is at her height of insanity.

I don't know her anymore. She is a stranger.

I want her to leave. As quickly as possible. She is ruining me.

Sometimes we all need reassurance ❤

Fear begins to cloud my heart...
As I recall the memories associated with love.
The pain being the easiest to remember.
The holding on, the moving on...
those broken promises of forever.

Still healing from previous failed attempts,
Leaving love carefully placed on the back burner.
No room for the present...or so I thought.
Yet here it is, here HE is.
Arriving, perfectly packaged.
His words so comforting, his touch so sweet;
His presence reminding me that with him I am whole again.

I...love this man.

The way his lips softly greet my skin,
The subtle kisses he plants on my shoulders.
His steady compliments that never get old.
The light touch of his fingertips caressing my skin.
Down to the times I glance over to catch him staring at me with the sweetest smile.

I can see the love and admiration in his eyes,
In his smile...I can even feel it in his touch.

The fractured pieces of my heart being healed by his love.
Yet still...I am afraid.

Afraid of loving too hard.
Afraid of getting too used to him.
Afraid of how this will end.
Afraid of being left...heart broken.
But most importantly afraid of losing his love.

Knowing that with time this will only get more beautiful,
Magnifying my desire to explore the possibilities.
Maybe I'll be hurt;
Maybe my biggest fears will come true...
But in his arms I feel secure, at ease, at home, and...in love.
And at this very moment, that's all the reassurance I need.

It's been a WHILE, scratch that... It's been a long ass time.

I think...
that maybe...
Well,

*whispers*....I love him.

Him, being the last known new guy.
His name?
Kenon.
My new Cancer.
My homie.
My lover.
My...boyfriend.

Wow. It still feels funny saying that. My boyfriend...! It's been FOREVER since the last actual boyfriend. October 2008 to be exact.

It feels so heavenly. I can't describe how happy he makes me, already. He makes me feel secure. I love being wrapped in his arms...love looking at him. Love trying to figure out how his mind works, love being in his presence. He makes me feel better whenever I'm having one of those days where nothing seems to be right. Nothing but him.

I'm eager to see how this journey with him plays out. Eager to learn all that I can about him. Eager to advance.

But most importantly, eager to leave my past where it is.

I finally found someone that acts as more than a distraction. He's my main focus, emotionally. And it feels damn good.

Pure bliss.
Maybe things are lovely because it's still the beginning...but instead of trying to figure out how this will end, like I always do, I'm going with the flow. Living in the now with him. And I can't get enough.

I'm still guarded, for the most part.
But, I want him to know all of me.
Every single thing.

He's amazing.
His level of care and concern...surpasses the rest.
And with him, my feelings are handled so delicately.
He knows they're fragile.
I understand him and all his weirdness, and he understands and accepts me.

I could go on...
But, I don't want to jinx this one.

*crosses fingers*, I hope this last.

Morning of Cancers ♋

It's morning.
The sun is peeping through the blinds to tell us it's time to be productive.

I feel the sweet kisses that he plants on my face. I smile, as I slowly open my eyes to peep at him. His eyes peering...as if to see what my soul holds.

I close my eyes but continue to smile.
Resting my head on his chest, inhaling his scent,
I can hear the rhythm of his heart.
Bodies entangled, skin to skin.
His hands slowly caressing me, as we lay...in silence.

Bliss takes over.

I listen as his breathing starts to change,
feel his hands as they stop caressing.
His body becomes still as the creeping hours of the night.
He...is sleeping again.
And I?
I am listening to his heartbeat hum me back to perfection.

Freak hoe...Wait

I've sat pondering too many times the difference between a freak and what people consider a hoe. Too many times coming up empty handed.

Wondering which I am categorized as.
But, for the first time I realized...it's just a matter of opinion.

I'm sure to some people, I'm a hoe.
A hoe because I'm with the freak shit.
Completely with the freak shit.
In each and every way.

I don't care that people know that I like freak shit, or that I even participate in freak shit.

Think of a freak.
I'm not the mediocre definition.
I'm the extended...

So if what I do sexually makes me a hoe and not who I'm doing...I guess I'm fucked.

Fucked because I enjoy the art of fucking...😒

Smh.

Judge away...

I have never claimed to be perfect...
Not one single day.
I, like everyone else, make mistakes.
Mistake after mistake.
In which I learn from, every time.
... every single time.
Am I proud of them?
No.
Am I ashamed of them?
Not at all.

Judge me if you must...
my mistakes have made me who I am.
Molded me into the person I am today.
Helped me see what not to do...
what I don't want to be.
They have helped transform me on so many levels.
Mentally, physically, emotionally...sexually,
I am NOT perfect.

It amazes me how people sit around waiting for mistakes...
waiting to bring out the judgement,
as if they themselves are perfect.
Completely unflawed.

To them I say...
Get a fuckin' life.
Quickly.

I am young,
I'd be naive to think that at 21 I will never make another mistake in my life.
I know that I still have experiences to learn from.
Fuck-ups to make.
Is it intentional?
No.

But even in my wildest dreams, I'd never want to be perfect.

Lately, I haven't been feeling it...

The feelings that I once had seem as if they are withering away.
Feelings that seem so recent...that seem so fresh,
withering away like a dying rose.
But just as the rose, the love is still beautiful...even while withering.

As I sit here re-reading all the things I felt, I fell...
they begin to sound unfamiliar.
The love I described for him...
can it be leaving so soon?
Communication has died...
and in came someone new.
Someone to distract me...
someone else to admire me, flaws and all.
Like HE used to.

What is this love that I have approached?
An unexpected twist.
What happened to those feelings of forever?
What happened to our bond?

I love him, still...
with every breath I take I still do love him.
But is it the same?
Is it the love where all I can imagine is being with him?
Is he the first and last person on my mind every day?
Is he my fairytale ending?
No.
No, he is not.

& how do I feel about it?
That...that is where I am lost.
Lost for words.
I can't believe that in a few months...
I have given up.
Given up on US.


Almost replaced those beautiful dreams with someone else.
Dreams that I wanted so bad to come true.
Even while withering,
I will not throw him away.
I will not give up on him, as a person.

But sometimes...
Sometimes, I wish I could remove the rest of the feelings.
Because now, all love is clouded by confusion.
My mind tells me to just mark him off as yet another failed attempt at love.
But my heart?
My heart...is screaming, screaming and fighting to never let him go.
The heart is blind, it knows not of his flaws.
It knows not of our dilemma...
All it knows is what it feels when he's in the picture.
Better than anything or any person has ever made it feel.
Blind to the foolishness, holding on so tight.
But my mind...
My mind knows better.
Knows that logically...he should have been erased.
Knows that I deserve better.

But what do I listen to...what should I trust to lead me?
The age old question- do I go with my heart or my mind?

Again, I'm awaken from a beautiful dream...

Sometimes when I wake up,
I wish I hadn't.

I wish that God would have spared me...and just let me live in the dream.
In my beautiful dreams of perfection.

Sometimes...I just don't want to be here.

Sad right?
Yea, I know.
I never really confess that to anyone.

Never really talk about what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling that way.

But today?
Today, I will.

I feel stuck.
Like I'm drowning in this point of my life.
Like I'm at a stand still...
like my dreams will never come true.

I remember this beautiful life plan that I made when I was in elementary.
One that consists of an awesome career, an amazing husband, beautiful and healthy children,...all living in the home of my dreams happily ever after.
A life plan that has never changed.
A life plan that I thought would be easy to achieve.
I guess I used to think just because I said it, it would happen.
Just because it's what I've wanted since forever...that it would be given to me.
I never worried about what if it doesn't happen.
What if I don't make it in the career field I've dreamed of?
What if I never meet that awesome man?
....

What starts to happen when your dreams fall apart?

Here I am, in college...
Still working towards those dreams.
But more and more they begin to seem unrealistic.
Like I'll never achieve them.

In my mind, I'm not trying hard enough.
But how hard can you really try in Arkansas.
What would I be able to do with my journalism degree here?
Nothing...well nothing that would fit in to my dream career.
So, here?
Here...I am miserable.
Each and every day.

But I wake up, and smile.
Dress up. Attend class.
Pretend...that everything is peachy.
When, for the most part, I feel stuck.
And I hate it.

As soon as my funds are right, I'll be on the first plane out of this place.

But then I get this scary thought,
What if it isn't just Arkansas that makes me feel like this?

What if it's deeper?
Man...I pray that it's just this place, this city, this state.

I refuse to end up like everyone else here.
Settling.
I just refuse.

Him again...

I have a fear of running out of words.

Even as I sit here now....
my mind an empty canvas.

Well, almost empty.
Besides the fact that HE is there.
He is always there.

Lately, I've been having the strangest dreams about him and I.
Dreams of a broken forever.
Those of a more realistic nature.
Last night?
Last night I dreamed about his wedding.
About me sitting on the second row, middle pew...smack dead in the center.
Crying my eyes out as his future wife walked down the aisle to greet him.

In my mind Congratulations by Vesta Williams was playing.

"Congratulations...
I thought it would have been me.
Standin’ here with you,
Congratulations...
I hope you’re happy.

‘Cause as long as I can breathe
You’ll always be the one for me."

It was all so surreal. The weird thing though....75percent of my tears were of joy. Happy that he had found someone to settle down with...someone he was willing to love properly. Even if it wasn't me.

Crazy.
I've never sat down and seriously thought about marrying him.
Not at all really....it only comes in my dreams.
My dreams are never just normal dreams when it comes to him.
It's either one extreme or the next.

Regardless, he frequents them often.

Sometimes I wish I never fell in love with him.
Just so that I wouldn't miss him so much.

I keep replaying 2 certain occasions when I wished my decision was different. Freshman year. What if I would have said yes when he asked did I want him to cut everyone else off? What if I had said yes, I only want it to be me? And what if I would have stayed...stayed when he asked me not to change colleges? Stayed and lived in this twisted fairytale he had planned out? " There will be room in my closet for you...and I'll have a drawer or something at your place." What if ....I let it all play out.

Man.
Sometimes I can't help but feel like I sabotaged this.
This...tale of love.
All because I was damaged.

Am I damaged now?
Am I doing the same thing to the new guy?
Probably.
Definitely.
But I can't help that I stay on past loves for SO long.
Especially this time.
Because  whatever we have hasn't really ended.
Maybe it needs to.

I'm happy with this.
BUT still, I dream of more.
Wanna be here, in his life...
but still, I DREAM of more.

I love him...
Infatuated even.
Obsessed...
and addicted.

I want him here...
I need him here.
More than anything I wish I had done things differently.
Maybe my dreams would be closer to coming true.

The importance of titles...

Yo.

So what's on the menu for today's discussion?
What's on my mind?
Titles.
As in titles for relationships.

So....
How important are titles?

For me? They are extremely important. I put titles on everything, and everyone. Seriously. My best friend asked why I always had to label everything...she said it was one of my problems. And I agree..completely. That doesn't mean that it will change though.

To me, titles are everything.
Excuse me but I just don't get being involved in something, having EVERY relationship privilege...with absolutely no title. What is the point of that? Have you just gotten too comfortable in the space that you are that it would be pointless to be IN A relationship? Instead you rather be with someone who you spend all your free time with, going out, hanging out, fucking, even loving....but don't want to be IN a relationship? Ladies, that's bullshit. I know that most of you want to be...but the guy is usually the problem.You're too busy tip-toeing around what he feels, what he thinks,and what he wants. What about what you want? What you need?

 Ladies, why are we constantly selling ourselves short?
 And yes, I said we.

I am not above the title-less love position.
From previous post, you can obviously tell that I've been there, done that.
BUT, I wasn't offering everything I would as a girlfriend.
Never have, never will.
But too many times I've gotten awfully close.
Wanting to be ALL in.
To cook, to "trick" on him, to go that extra mile everyday to remind him that I love him.
Yea, things that I've never really done for anyone.
But I wanted to for him....
and then I reminded myself, I am not the girlfriend.
Don't make yourself so readily available like you are the girlfriend.
As someones girlfriend, it's a completely different game for me.
As a girlfriend, my behavior will change, for the better.

If I'm not good enough to ever make it to girlfriend, there are some experiences you just won't ever get to sample. And it means that you never really deserved them anyway.

Really sit back and examine your situation. Are you in a title-less love? Do you like it being title-less? How long has it been? Why don't you have a title? Why are you not good enough?

For me, in my situation...I asked.
I asked him about why when he was here why was I never considered for girlfriend.
His answer?
" I knew I was moving. And I'm not good with distance."
Simple enough. Bullshit answer if you ask me.
He wasn't ready for a girlfriend, for so many obvious reasons.
Period. I didn't trip about it.
It is what it is.
I never gave all the girlfriend privileges anyway...it's never been like that with us.
So IN my head, my situation is different.

Why would you agree to hide something that you've put so much work into? Why really agree to giving all the privileges? What's to offer when it's time to go further? What would really change? If your doing relationship shit and getting relationship benefits...what is keeping you from getting/giving the title?

Someone please explain it to me? Girlfriend is not wife.
Why not give it a go? Try something new....
Because if both parties were really feeling each other as much as they think, they would be there.
Someone is being deceived.
Male or female...someone has the upper hand.
Don't settle for someone wanting to be a hoe...
why the fuck are they fucking with your heart then?
Or they might be scared? But to me...that isn't a valid excuse.
Sometimes it's worth it...sometimes going with the flow is what's best...
But...still I say, Move on.
Most situations as such end in a very ugly manner.
And someone is always left heartbroken...just don't let it be you.

Can I tell you something?...

Today, I'm doing a 10-1. Things have changed since my first one....

Remember, the 10 to 1 is basically writing down the 10 things I wish I could say to 10 different people but...cant, won't or just haven't. And I don't say who they are :)



To the woman that my prayers have always been reserved for:
Quick tempers.
Sugarless words.
Frequent fists.
Replaying in my new found years of maturity. Years of understanding. Perfection was expected; nothing less accepted. Love disguised by a desire to breed the best. For then, for now, for the future...thank you, I needed it, all.

To my title-less love, the man of my frequently subconscious desires:
part of me hopes this lasts forever.
Beyond forever.
This? This romance, this friendship...this bond.
You frequent my dreams and I allow those images to take control.
Even if no one else ever understands, my love is with you for this lifetime. My lifetime. Your lifetime. Remember through it all, you got me.

To the creator of all souls, the father of all minds:
I need you.
I always have.
I tend to lose sight of what is important to me...sometimes all I have is you.
All my darkest confessions lye with you.
Please help me to overcome the things I can't seem to shake. Keep me guided in the right direction...and if I start to stray please reach down and remind me where I'm headed.

To the new man, slowly trying to tip-toe into my heart:
Be careful. I am broken, handle me with care.
Be patient for those times that I forget that someone loves me.
Fight harder in those times when I will push you away.
Communicate and trust me. I am stronger than I appear.
& remember: I no longer believe in fairy tales.

To the one before the last,"something to do when there's nothing to do"... Number 9 if you will:
I hope you knew what it was when we started.
I hope you knew that I was only interested in one thing...and for your sake I hope you were too.
It wasn't what I'm used to, no where near it. So I'm over it. You had your one shot... and my thoughts?
On to the next...

To the past, the one's who never made it:
It takes a certain type of person to deal with me.
You didn't measure up.
Or maybe it was I..I who didn't measure up. 
It's not your fault...it never was.
I'm sorry.
Part of me wishes, the smallest part---that something would have worked. That maybe I wouldn't be so scarred,...so close to heartless.

To the neglected spirit of my genes:
I have been acting as if you never existed.
I used to speak to you everyday when you first left me,
Correction: When you first came back in my life for eternity.
Somewhere between this hell and heaven, my words got lost.
Maybe I'm ashamed to still be in the same place...
I love you. & I know these genes weren't passed on to become nothing.
Next time I speak with you, I will be doing better. No excuses.

To the one soul that may possess the most faith in me:
My personal little angel.
Thank you for always being here...even when my emotions surpass alone.
Thank you for having my back when the world turned theirs.
Thank you for loving me, unconditionally.
& Thank you most for encouraging me to be better, better than anyone expected. With my heart, mind,and soul...I love you.

To the one who I am supposed to confide to:
Sometimes, I don't want to talk about serious issues.
Too worried that I'm being judged for certain situations.
And I know...I know I shouldn't feel like it.
I know I should just rant and ramble my life away..
that is what your here for. But sometimes...I just don't want to.
Sometimes I rather write, write where I can't be judged


To the root of it all, the over-analyzer... the corrupt dreamer:
We've come along way.
I've watched as we've grown from naive little girl, to a beautiful knowledge-seeking young lady.
The things that were once important to you, have been replaced by real issues.
The things that you never understood are suddenly becoming clear as day. We have a long journey, this is only the beginning. Continue to grow. When we look back on it all, hopefully our dreams will have finally become reality. And I'll look at you with my best smile and nod " You go girl."

Sincerely,

The mind of the dreamer with the corrupt heart, who has finally been pry-ed open

Love, move over...

I'm convinved that I worry too much about love.

Much like most people, failure/rejection is my biggest fear.
In every sense of the word.

I fear that maybe I won't find my "one".
I fear being alone at the end of forever.
I fear not having someone to grow old with...
I fear never becoming someone's wife.

I think too much about it all.
Too much about who forever will really mean forever with.

I should be focused more on taking steps towards my career.
Getting internships, traveling, freelance writing to get my words seen...
But most times?
Love consumes me.

Love is first in my life.
Forever has been, probably forever will be.
I hate being a hopeless romantic.
Hate it with a passion.

Even when it may appear that I'm "alone", I'm loving someone...
Loving someone, somewhere..with my all.

I have too many goals for love to be number one.
There will forever be time for love...
but opportunities, career-wise?
Come and then in the blink of an eye, you've missed your big chance.

Let's rearrange my priorities:
1.Build a better relationship with God.
2. Focus more on graduating.
3. Slowly begin to tip-toe into the writing feild.
4. Figure out where you need to be to best accomplish what you want. {State/City}
5. Build a better foundation for yourself. {Support system}
6. Figure out what exactly you want in this man of my future "forever".
7. Take it slow, live your life...
8. When the correct love shows up, don't push it away. Be accepting; be open for change.

Now, if only love would just take a hike for a while.
Wishful thinking.

Some of us are just vain...

Yo.

A guy made a statement.

A dumb ass statement if you ask me. Stating that girls who take a lot of pictures and post them to social networks are clearly insecure.

I wanted to hear why he felt that way. It turned into a debate.

They are social networks. Facebook in particular. Is it not for sharing pictures? Sharing opinions? Socializing?

I rather someone call me a shallow bitch than insecure…especially for a dumb reason.

I’m vain. & Yes, I like looking at myself.

I LOVE taking pictures, and occasionally I like sharing them.

Never to get approval from anyone.

Never in search of comments/reblogs.

Smh at the ignorance in his statement.

At the end of every day, the only opinion that matters on that subject is my own.

I’m bomb, and I KNOW this.

{P.S- I’m sick as fuck…the reason for the cough drop.}

Muah.

In my moments of craziness...

Yo.

Ok, so my last post?
Just me...in the heat of the moment.
Pretty in my feelings, clearly.
Lol.

I thought it over.
And I realized something.
The only opinion that matters in the situation is my own.
What I think.

I know that whatever is going on doesn't need a definition at the moment.
I'm doing my thing...and he's doing his.
AND I'm actually really happy with where I am right now.
REALLY happy.
I like whatever is going on.
And I will continue to root him on in all his endeavors.
Continue to wish for his success.
Continue to pry in his business.
Continue to be here for him.
Continue to be Robyn with him.

Through tragedy and all.

Hold the fuck up...am I the bottom bitch?

Yo.

My mind is so disheveled right now.
I just read an article over at BLACK GIRLS ARE EASY.  ...titled Stop Being The Bottom Bitch.
It's probably one of the realest articles I've read in a long ass time.
Any who, it left me questioning my position with the lover.

Am I his bottom bitch?
....Or one of them?

I love that boy...with my soul.
And I always just think that no one understands what it is that we have.
That even without a title, I know that it's real.

Even though he's forever away, I'll be here with him forever.
Through tragedy and all.

And I see no problem with that.
Well, I didn't. Until I read the article.

In my mind, I'd like to think that whatever we have is just complicated.
"More of friends, but the best of lovers."

Never been the girlfriend.
Never met his mother.
Never been out on "dates".

And it didn't bother me. Until I found out he was leaving, moving to Portland. I guess none of that really mattered.
It was too late, I was already completely in love with him.

I expressed my concerns about the title, the meeting of his mother...all after he had moved away.

But I feel like I must explain something.
This started on a different level.
Different than what I even wanted it to be.
I NEVER wanted to be girlfriend before.
NEVER gave a shit about meeting anyone..and going out on dates.
Because, well because I guess that when I got involved with him, that's not what I signed up for. It's not what I even wanted.

He was serious with me before I ever dreamed about being serious with him.

What is it that we have?
I can not answer that question.
I know that he wants me to be here with him...and I know that I want nothing more than to see him succeed.

But I'm not one of those girls who secretly wishes to marry him.
Who secretly thinks that I'll be wifey.
No, never.

BUT one day, since I'm being honest with myself, I do want that opportunity to be girlfriend. Just to test the waters. I know I'm more than qualified.

I'd like to believe that what we have is different. That there is absolutely no way that I am his bottom bitch. Just a bomb ass friend who wants the best for him...even if it never truly involves me. BUT...what if I am? What if I'm the girl that would never seriously be considered for girlfriend. What if I'm the girl that he just fucks when it's convenient...tells whatever to just to keep around?

I can't be that stupid bitch.
I can't be playing that role unknowingly...can I?
Fuck man.

Now I need to talk to him again.
But really, what is there to say?

No.
I'm not the bottom bitch.
I can't be.
I'm too fuckin fly to ever play a role like that.

I know that there is shit that Robyn doesn't stand for. He knows I'm not with the bullshit. Not the naive bitch buying him shit, not the one getting mad because he's fucking other bitches...just the one that loves him unconditionally. And the only strings attached are those to my heart. Those that will root him on towards his goals. Those who want nothing more than for him to be a success...as much as I want it for myself.

I'm someone that titles are important to, but with this...I don't know what it is.
I'm just going with the flow...and for now I'm content with it.
But if time goes on and I realize that I have been playing the "bottom bitch",
Mannn all hell will break loose. And I will only be able to blame myself.

But I know that we're more than that.
Well, I hope...

-Robyn Latice

No thanks, I'll pass on being the "skinny" bitch...

Yo.

Sooooo.....

I'm on a diet.
The HCG diet to be exact.
I've lost a total of 19 lbs in 23 days.
(Really I lost more, but I cheated and it came back...*shrugs*)

This is the day before I began the diet:

{When I finish the diet, I will post a picture in the same outfit...just to show the progress}
{Ohh....& I have box braids right now, I was obsessed with them so I gave them a go. I love them}
This diet is a very strict diet, but the results are phenomenal...google it for those who are interested.

Any who,  since being on this diet....the comments I've gotten. Smh.

People must think I'm one of those "big girls" who secretly want nothing more than this world to be skinny. And that couldn't be further from the truth.

Just because I am on a diet, does not mean I crave to be skinny.
I love my shape right now...my curves.
Why am I on a diet if I LOVE my shape?...
Simple.
I know that I have problem areas.
My arms, stomach/back area. They could use a little shrinkage, and this diet targets problem areas as such.

I don't want to lose a person.
I'm not trying to get back down to a size 3/6/8.
Shit, I haven't been a size 3 since 6th grade.
And looking back on old pictures, I hate the skinny Robyn.
My head is too big for my body to be so little.
No thanks.

To tell the truth, I'm quite sad that my pants are starting to sag off of me.
Means I'm losing some of my ass...and my big pretty ass thighs.
The things I love.
I like that my pant size is 14/15.
I never want it to be under a size 10. EVER.

& last time my ass was a size 10, I was in 8th grade...
I love my adult body.
People don't know how much fun curves can be.

I'm tired of the slick comments on if you were truly happy with yourself you wouldn't be on a diet.
Smh. Child please, I know that I'm sexy when my clothes are off.
My body is evenly proportioned.
Waist dips in to create that hour glass illusion. Yea, I know I'm bomb.
I spend too much time in the mirror admiring myself.
BUT, why not make it better.
If I can have a big ass, flat stomach, big tits, fit arms....why not have that bomb ass body?

And I hate when people see you losing weight and make a huge deal about it. Telling you how good your going to look when your down to so-and-so's size. Smh, who the fuck said I wanted to be petite? If I lose more than 30 lbs on this diet, I'm quiting. Period.

I'll continue to work on what needs to be toned through exercise, but numbers don't matter to me.
Curves are included in my definition of beauty for myself.
And they forever will be.

At the end of every day I love myself, regardless. Big ass and all.

-Robyn Latice

Maybe HE taught me for someone else...

A peek inside my personal journal:

January 15, 2012:

I want to call.

Call to almost…ask permission.

Ask permission to be involved fully in someone else.

I want him to hear it from me.

I want him to know that even through this…

I love him, forever.

That I love him more than any and every one….that if I had the option to chose,

it would always be him.

ALWAYS.

BUT for now…right now, I must move on.

I can no longer sacrafice my happiness for what might turn out to be just another dream. Another fantasy, a figment of my imagination.

January 21,2012:

WE finally talked.

Talked about the new guy and him wanting a relationship.

I asked his advice,

I felt as if I needed his permission to begin anew.

The lover said that I should give the new guy, Gregory, a try.

He gave me permission.

The permission that I was seeking.

And shortly after, I had a breakdown.

A breakdown because I know that my heart only beats for him.

That the only thing I’ve ever craved…is him.

And that starting this new thing…might drive me insane.

What if it actually works with this new guy?

What if it actually lasts?

Where will that leave the lover?

When will I have my time with him?

Confession.

I’m scared.

Scared that I’m just going to fuck things up in this new relationship.

Scared to fall in love.

Scared shitless.

Scared to…what feels like, leave the lover…

Scared to let go of my dreams of him. Of us.

I feel stupid.

More so than you could even begin to imagine.

Why am I letting whatever we have…possibly affect my present?

Why am I scared to just live in the moment?

Oh yea, because it’s my heart we’re playing with now.

Tugging at its strings, testing it in every way.

I’m probably failing.

ANd I dont know how to fix it.

BUT he gave me permission. 

I wonder how he feels about it, is he really ok with it.

I guess he has to be, he isn’t here with me.

Maybe I shouldn’t go into this with so much baggage. 

Hidden baggage.

Because in the end it will all come out.

Explode in my face like it usually does.

But I can’t run from it…and no longer will I let it affect my NOW.

So…welcome the new guy.

But the most potent part of my heart will always be saved for the lover. 

Through tragedy and all.

-Robyn Latice