Today I am changing my writing style for this blog. Since I am in a place where it feels like I can't speak to anyone in my life comfortably, this blog will be my new therapist...until my insurance kicks in and I can get the help I really need.So.....
Good afternoon Therapist,
Today is hard. Every time I feel overwhelmed, I realize that I don't fully trust confiding in anyone. Seriously, not one single person. Today it's back to this business shit. I don't know if I've told you...I have been building a cleaning business. For my boyfriend.
Everything that has gotten done to make the business legit, I've done. Everything that needs to be done, I will be doing...including the actual cleaning. Something that I have no problem with...if I'm thinking about it as if I am helping my bf build, which will help US build in the long run.
Which may or may not be true. I will help him build, but more than likely it will not help me the same. I think at the end of this, I will regret helping with this. I feel like I will do all the work, just for him to use this as a means to help other women. Women from his past.
And how in the hell is that supposed to make me feel? Other bitches possibly benefiting off of something that I put together? That thought has taken over today. In the ugliest ways.
I've watched this happen many times since I've been "DOWN". As I've gone out of my way to give this man my last. As I've remained faithful and hopeful that one day I'd be all he'd need. And I'm realizing, that that will never be reality for me with him.
I've tried to show just how perfect I am. How I only want him for him. Show how much of "wife material" I am....only to keep getting shown that no matter how much I do for him...it will truly never be enough to get to the place I want to be with him. I want to work for US, Not for him and his nothing hoes.
I AM SO OVER THIS BULLSHIT LIFE.
My heart is too good for this. I've never deserved to feel less than....
I never want a man to marry me just because he's settling because the one he "really wants" is a nothing hoe that he knows he can't build with.
I don't want to be anyone's fucking backup plan.
4 1/2 years in a relationship, and I feel like a fucking backup plan.
I'm just tired of everything and everyone.
Seems like I'm crying daily as my dreams silently crash around me. Closing me in, Unable to breathe..I need help sorting through my thoughts. I need help knowing if I'm wrong or right. I need help figuring out my next step.
I've never prayed so hard on a subject. I've never begged for guidance as much as I have through this. I don't want to love anyone anymore.I hate loving someone more than myself. It is by far the worst mistake I've ever made.
Stop these tears. Please.
-Robyn
Tuesday, December 13
Friday, October 28
Acceptance...
Hello again,
Today, I'm sane. Completly sane. Not overly emotional. Not mad. Not pissed. Not sad. Just at ease.
I think I've finally accepted where we are. What he has been saying to me.
When my friends constantly complain about their men problems I'm always the first to tell them not to take the mans words and twist them into what you think he means deep down inside. Or in other words, change them into what you really want to hear. I've been doing that for about a year now. That never works out.
He's been telling me he needs space. Needs time to enjoy the world. Something that is hard for me to understand because his actions show the complete opposite. Him encouraging me not to get a job, him providing a business for me, him providing EVERYthing for me...makes his words null and void for me, usually. Telling me how he likes taking care of me. How I only need to cook, clean, and work on the business. But since the whole Facebook stunt, I think it has finally registered. In 4 years he has never posted anything about me on his page. He does not comment/like any of my pictures, but is always watching. Which is cool. Meanwhile, he's always my cover photo...any and everyone who comes to my page can see that I am in a relationship and see who with. His? You'd think he was single. He barely posts, so I never had a problem with it because he is private. But for the first thing he posts (besides a birthday post) to be negative? Out of all the positive I've done in these last 4 years is mind-boggling. Like I said in the last post, it's a game changer.
No matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough for him. New meaning has been given to that. And unlike the first few hundred times I've said that, I feel it in my soul this go round. He feels the same way about me. I know that statement to be true. It does not affect me at this point. It just tells me I need to quit. Really quit. I could go down a list of shit I've done for him that I never have for anyone, but why does it matter? I did it all out of love, nothing else. So no reason to bring it up now. Just know, I am not your average 20 something year old. I'm on a different playing field, and to have someone so blind that they don't see it? You can't force someone to see you for who you are. If they see you like everyone else, and easily disposable...dispose of yourself.
Those are the words I need to live by. Stop fighting to prove my worth. Because it shines bright in everything I do.
Despite the way it sounds, I'm feeling invincible. I feel like a new door has been open with endless possibilities. For the first time, starting over doesn't feel like a death sentence for me. It doesn't make my heart speed to dangerous speeds. It doesn't make my eyes water. It doesn't have me all sweaty. I'm not damn near balled in a corner praying for strength. I'm not having to talk myself out of a panic attack. Or a killing spree. I am at ease.
It may be just for today, but this is what I will need to get through this. This needs to be my everyday mood until I walk away for good.
I'm thankful for this process. The good and the bad.
Today, I'm sane. Completly sane. Not overly emotional. Not mad. Not pissed. Not sad. Just at ease.
I think I've finally accepted where we are. What he has been saying to me.
When my friends constantly complain about their men problems I'm always the first to tell them not to take the mans words and twist them into what you think he means deep down inside. Or in other words, change them into what you really want to hear. I've been doing that for about a year now. That never works out.
He's been telling me he needs space. Needs time to enjoy the world. Something that is hard for me to understand because his actions show the complete opposite. Him encouraging me not to get a job, him providing a business for me, him providing EVERYthing for me...makes his words null and void for me, usually. Telling me how he likes taking care of me. How I only need to cook, clean, and work on the business. But since the whole Facebook stunt, I think it has finally registered. In 4 years he has never posted anything about me on his page. He does not comment/like any of my pictures, but is always watching. Which is cool. Meanwhile, he's always my cover photo...any and everyone who comes to my page can see that I am in a relationship and see who with. His? You'd think he was single. He barely posts, so I never had a problem with it because he is private. But for the first thing he posts (besides a birthday post) to be negative? Out of all the positive I've done in these last 4 years is mind-boggling. Like I said in the last post, it's a game changer.
No matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough for him. New meaning has been given to that. And unlike the first few hundred times I've said that, I feel it in my soul this go round. He feels the same way about me. I know that statement to be true. It does not affect me at this point. It just tells me I need to quit. Really quit. I could go down a list of shit I've done for him that I never have for anyone, but why does it matter? I did it all out of love, nothing else. So no reason to bring it up now. Just know, I am not your average 20 something year old. I'm on a different playing field, and to have someone so blind that they don't see it? You can't force someone to see you for who you are. If they see you like everyone else, and easily disposable...dispose of yourself.
Those are the words I need to live by. Stop fighting to prove my worth. Because it shines bright in everything I do.
Despite the way it sounds, I'm feeling invincible. I feel like a new door has been open with endless possibilities. For the first time, starting over doesn't feel like a death sentence for me. It doesn't make my heart speed to dangerous speeds. It doesn't make my eyes water. It doesn't have me all sweaty. I'm not damn near balled in a corner praying for strength. I'm not having to talk myself out of a panic attack. Or a killing spree. I am at ease.
It may be just for today, but this is what I will need to get through this. This needs to be my everyday mood until I walk away for good.
I'm thankful for this process. The good and the bad.
Wednesday, October 26
Lost love, again
Hello again,
This is my outlet. The place I come with all my fears. Right now? I fear that my relationship has finally come to an end. After almost 5 years, I fear that we can not fix this. We've been through so much. I've been through so much. Maybe too much.
Even still, I am here with full armour fighting to the death. Fighting to the death. One of us must die for the fight to end. And I think that person is me. I think I have to let my love die in order to move on.
I dont want to move on. I don't want any one else.
I thought this was my one.
I thought I'd finally found my forever.
But my forever, is tired of her.
Not because she is impossible to deal with (although she can be), but because he has his own equally prominent mental issues...and that can take a toll on anyone. Having to deal with her and him, I don't know where I stand.
I love him. With every cell in my body. I love him like nothing else in this world. I love him like he is a part of me. Like he came from me. I can't properly express the depth. It's endless. Bottomless. Unconditional. Irreplaceable.
We've been arguing a lot over nonsense.
Yesterday was probably the worst case of nothing escalating into something in a matter of seconds.
But removing my feelings from the situation, I understand where he was coming from. I should've been more mindful. Less worried about being rude to a stranger and more focused on supporting him. I thought I was doing that by being there. Miscommunication and misunderstanding, as always.
She came out yesterday, despite my efforts of tightly gripping my sanity. He did not convey his message well. He tried conveying it by control. By belittling me. That is the quickest way to get her to come out. And once she's out, there is no stopping her. She showed her ass last night. And there is no erasing her behavior.
Who is understanding when you try to apologize after having a complete meltdown? Almost no one.
In the last week, I've been extra careful in how I react to situations. I have been practicing control, and as hard as it is at times, its been successful. But being told how little I do/am incites rage. A rage I can never stop. Only because I go out of my way for him. As he does for me. I am the one that has been there more than anyone else. I am the one he can depend on in times of bad situations. NO one else, but me. Yesterday, it was worse. Worse because he decided to post to my wall. He wrote how crazy I was being, how out of control I was, how he didn't want me in his home, and begging anyone to come pick me up. I am very private on social media. He is more private than me. We have never gone to social media with any of our past problems.
That was a breaking point. The game-changer. That's when she came out in her rarest form.
I was wrong. He was wrong. But no apologies have been given, and I doubt they will be.
I don't think I'll ever date another Cancer after this. We have too many of the same issues.
I fear that my relationship has come to an end, and I am in no way capable of dealing with the aftermath. *sigh*
This is my outlet. The place I come with all my fears. Right now? I fear that my relationship has finally come to an end. After almost 5 years, I fear that we can not fix this. We've been through so much. I've been through so much. Maybe too much.
Even still, I am here with full armour fighting to the death. Fighting to the death. One of us must die for the fight to end. And I think that person is me. I think I have to let my love die in order to move on.
I dont want to move on. I don't want any one else.
I thought this was my one.
I thought I'd finally found my forever.
But my forever, is tired of her.
Not because she is impossible to deal with (although she can be), but because he has his own equally prominent mental issues...and that can take a toll on anyone. Having to deal with her and him, I don't know where I stand.
I love him. With every cell in my body. I love him like nothing else in this world. I love him like he is a part of me. Like he came from me. I can't properly express the depth. It's endless. Bottomless. Unconditional. Irreplaceable.
We've been arguing a lot over nonsense.
Yesterday was probably the worst case of nothing escalating into something in a matter of seconds.
But removing my feelings from the situation, I understand where he was coming from. I should've been more mindful. Less worried about being rude to a stranger and more focused on supporting him. I thought I was doing that by being there. Miscommunication and misunderstanding, as always.
She came out yesterday, despite my efforts of tightly gripping my sanity. He did not convey his message well. He tried conveying it by control. By belittling me. That is the quickest way to get her to come out. And once she's out, there is no stopping her. She showed her ass last night. And there is no erasing her behavior.
Who is understanding when you try to apologize after having a complete meltdown? Almost no one.
In the last week, I've been extra careful in how I react to situations. I have been practicing control, and as hard as it is at times, its been successful. But being told how little I do/am incites rage. A rage I can never stop. Only because I go out of my way for him. As he does for me. I am the one that has been there more than anyone else. I am the one he can depend on in times of bad situations. NO one else, but me. Yesterday, it was worse. Worse because he decided to post to my wall. He wrote how crazy I was being, how out of control I was, how he didn't want me in his home, and begging anyone to come pick me up. I am very private on social media. He is more private than me. We have never gone to social media with any of our past problems.
That was a breaking point. The game-changer. That's when she came out in her rarest form.
I was wrong. He was wrong. But no apologies have been given, and I doubt they will be.
I don't think I'll ever date another Cancer after this. We have too many of the same issues.
I fear that my relationship has come to an end, and I am in no way capable of dealing with the aftermath. *sigh*
Friday, October 21
Indentity Crisis
Hello,
It's been a while. A LONG while.
This week I've been forced to take a good look at myself and really evaluate things in my life. Understand and decide where exactly I want to go in life. Today, those thoughts led me to this blog. My very first blog. The most personal. The only one I keep having the urge to continue.
Circling back and looking over all my old posts shows me how much growth I have made in my life, and where I am standing still. There are places that I should've grown, where I haven't...and places where I've excelled in growth. It's good to have all of this here...to remind me of the old version of myself and how I am slowly, but steadily, improving.
I've been through so much, I can't believe I stopped writing. I wish I had it all documented. I wish I had all those memories stored here. But maybe, it's for the best that I don't. Maybe I can delete them from my memory and be thankful that there is no evidence to remind me of such a hard time in my life. I used to write my opinion on things I'd never been through. What I thought I'd accept, what I thought I wouldn't. All of that has changed. I have changed.
Life has a way of humbling us all when we get beside ourselves. When we start to think that we are too good for certain situations, life throws a curve ball and laughs as we try to dodge it. I didn't come here to talk about any of that though.
My current relationship (4 years) has exposed so many of my flaws. SO much so, that I am convinced that I have mental issues. I don't know where to go, who to talk to anymore about it. I know that my boyfriend is tired of dealing with me. Unsure of what Robyn he will wake up to. Unsure if it's the one that loves him or hates him. I'm tired of dealing with her (me).
She is insecure. She has a hard time trusting. She is possessive. She has separation issues. She has anxiety issues. She has a sense of entitlement from the world. She is extremely emotionally unstable. She is selfish. She is lazy. She isn't goal-oriented. She needs someone to uplift her every single day. She will not return the favor. She doesn't cherish the good, and dwells on the bad. She feels alone. No one will ever understand her. She is at her height of insanity.
I don't know her anymore. She is a stranger.
I want her to leave. As quickly as possible. She is ruining me.
It's been a while. A LONG while.
This week I've been forced to take a good look at myself and really evaluate things in my life. Understand and decide where exactly I want to go in life. Today, those thoughts led me to this blog. My very first blog. The most personal. The only one I keep having the urge to continue.
Circling back and looking over all my old posts shows me how much growth I have made in my life, and where I am standing still. There are places that I should've grown, where I haven't...and places where I've excelled in growth. It's good to have all of this here...to remind me of the old version of myself and how I am slowly, but steadily, improving.
I've been through so much, I can't believe I stopped writing. I wish I had it all documented. I wish I had all those memories stored here. But maybe, it's for the best that I don't. Maybe I can delete them from my memory and be thankful that there is no evidence to remind me of such a hard time in my life. I used to write my opinion on things I'd never been through. What I thought I'd accept, what I thought I wouldn't. All of that has changed. I have changed.
Life has a way of humbling us all when we get beside ourselves. When we start to think that we are too good for certain situations, life throws a curve ball and laughs as we try to dodge it. I didn't come here to talk about any of that though.
My current relationship (4 years) has exposed so many of my flaws. SO much so, that I am convinced that I have mental issues. I don't know where to go, who to talk to anymore about it. I know that my boyfriend is tired of dealing with me. Unsure of what Robyn he will wake up to. Unsure if it's the one that loves him or hates him. I'm tired of dealing with her (me).
She is insecure. She has a hard time trusting. She is possessive. She has separation issues. She has anxiety issues. She has a sense of entitlement from the world. She is extremely emotionally unstable. She is selfish. She is lazy. She isn't goal-oriented. She needs someone to uplift her every single day. She will not return the favor. She doesn't cherish the good, and dwells on the bad. She feels alone. No one will ever understand her. She is at her height of insanity.
I don't know her anymore. She is a stranger.
I want her to leave. As quickly as possible. She is ruining me.
Friday, September 28
Sometimes we all need reassurance ❤
Fear begins to cloud my heart...
As I recall the memories associated with love.
The pain being the easiest to remember.
The holding on, the moving on...
those broken promises of forever.
Still healing from previous failed attempts,
Leaving love carefully placed on the back burner.
No room for the present...or so I thought.
Yet here it is, here HE is.
Arriving, perfectly packaged.
His words so comforting, his touch so sweet;
His presence reminding me that with him I am whole again.
I...love this man.
The way his lips softly greet my skin,
The subtle kisses he plants on my shoulders.
His steady compliments that never get old.
The light touch of his fingertips caressing my skin.
Down to the times I glance over to catch him staring at me with the sweetest smile.
I can see the love and admiration in his eyes,
In his smile...I can even feel it in his touch.
The fractured pieces of my heart being healed by his love.
Yet still...I am afraid.
Afraid of loving too hard.
Afraid of getting too used to him.
Afraid of how this will end.
Afraid of being left...heart broken.
But most importantly afraid of losing his love.
Knowing that with time this will only get more beautiful,
Magnifying my desire to explore the possibilities.
Maybe I'll be hurt;
Maybe my biggest fears will come true...
But in his arms I feel secure, at ease, at home, and...in love.
And at this very moment, that's all the reassurance I need.
As I recall the memories associated with love.
The pain being the easiest to remember.
The holding on, the moving on...
those broken promises of forever.
Still healing from previous failed attempts,
Leaving love carefully placed on the back burner.
No room for the present...or so I thought.
Yet here it is, here HE is.
Arriving, perfectly packaged.
His words so comforting, his touch so sweet;
His presence reminding me that with him I am whole again.
I...love this man.
The way his lips softly greet my skin,
The subtle kisses he plants on my shoulders.
His steady compliments that never get old.
The light touch of his fingertips caressing my skin.
Down to the times I glance over to catch him staring at me with the sweetest smile.
I can see the love and admiration in his eyes,
In his smile...I can even feel it in his touch.
The fractured pieces of my heart being healed by his love.
Yet still...I am afraid.
Afraid of loving too hard.
Afraid of getting too used to him.
Afraid of how this will end.
Afraid of being left...heart broken.
But most importantly afraid of losing his love.
Knowing that with time this will only get more beautiful,
Magnifying my desire to explore the possibilities.
Maybe I'll be hurt;
Maybe my biggest fears will come true...
But in his arms I feel secure, at ease, at home, and...in love.
And at this very moment, that's all the reassurance I need.
Thursday, August 30
It's been a WHILE, scratch that... It's been a long ass time.
I think...
that maybe...
Well,
*whispers*....I love him.
Him, being the last known new guy.
His name?
Kenon.
My new Cancer.
My homie.
My lover.
My...boyfriend.
Wow. It still feels funny saying that. My boyfriend...! It's been FOREVER since the last actual boyfriend. October 2008 to be exact.
It feels so heavenly. I can't describe how happy he makes me, already. He makes me feel secure. I love being wrapped in his arms...love looking at him. Love trying to figure out how his mind works, love being in his presence. He makes me feel better whenever I'm having one of those days where nothing seems to be right. Nothing but him.
I'm eager to see how this journey with him plays out. Eager to learn all that I can about him. Eager to advance.
But most importantly, eager to leave my past where it is.
I finally found someone that acts as more than a distraction. He's my main focus, emotionally. And it feels damn good.
Pure bliss.
Maybe things are lovely because it's still the beginning...but instead of trying to figure out how this will end, like I always do, I'm going with the flow. Living in the now with him. And I can't get enough.
I'm still guarded, for the most part.
But, I want him to know all of me.
Every single thing.
He's amazing.
His level of care and concern...surpasses the rest.
And with him, my feelings are handled so delicately.
He knows they're fragile.
I understand him and all his weirdness, and he understands and accepts me.
I could go on...
But, I don't want to jinx this one.
*crosses fingers*, I hope this last.
that maybe...
Well,
*whispers*....I love him.
Him, being the last known new guy.
His name?
Kenon.
My new Cancer.
My homie.
My lover.
My...boyfriend.
Wow. It still feels funny saying that. My boyfriend...! It's been FOREVER since the last actual boyfriend. October 2008 to be exact.
It feels so heavenly. I can't describe how happy he makes me, already. He makes me feel secure. I love being wrapped in his arms...love looking at him. Love trying to figure out how his mind works, love being in his presence. He makes me feel better whenever I'm having one of those days where nothing seems to be right. Nothing but him.
I'm eager to see how this journey with him plays out. Eager to learn all that I can about him. Eager to advance.
But most importantly, eager to leave my past where it is.
I finally found someone that acts as more than a distraction. He's my main focus, emotionally. And it feels damn good.
Pure bliss.
Maybe things are lovely because it's still the beginning...but instead of trying to figure out how this will end, like I always do, I'm going with the flow. Living in the now with him. And I can't get enough.
I'm still guarded, for the most part.
But, I want him to know all of me.
Every single thing.
He's amazing.
His level of care and concern...surpasses the rest.
And with him, my feelings are handled so delicately.
He knows they're fragile.
I understand him and all his weirdness, and he understands and accepts me.
I could go on...
But, I don't want to jinx this one.
*crosses fingers*, I hope this last.
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